Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    My fellow we outside people, the 100 days left in January aren’t going anywhere. So here are ten steps to survive any spirit of SAPA this month. Tag a friend that went to chill with the big boys in December to see this too.

    Written By:

    Ortega

    Last Updated

    How is 2020 looking for you, my fellow outside people? It’s day seven of January, and we still have about 100 more days to go. So while you hold on to the memories of Detty December in your current state of SAPA, I advise you to cut out these expenses this year.

    1. Stop buying food

    You can just disguise and join the fitfam people this month to blend grass into smoothies. Or you can join that  90 days dry fasting happening at your church. Who knows, you may even win the fight against your village people.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    2. Cancel every Netflix ‘n’ Chill 

    You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Lol. I honestly can’t help you. See you on day 100 of January.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    3. Delete any title of boss/iyawo oga

    Before they say chairman or boss, just start rolling on the floor. You are not anybody’s boss in Jesus name. You can even hang a SAPA placard on your back.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    4. Block all your friends and stay at home

    This is the time to avoid any catch me outside talk. Omarion is kuku there now, so just stay in your house. Anybody that didn’t see you in December should rest.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    5. Go back to your parents’ house

    What’s that saying again? There’s no place like home abi? Forget about being a bad bitch or tech bro, better bend down and wash the plates in the sink so you can see free food.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    6. Travel with your sugar mummy/daddy

    Two heads are better than one. Better answer that DM and head to Dubai to shake what your momma gave you on a yacht. At your own risk sha, because anything you see, just take it like that.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    7. Dump your partner

    Just tell them it’s you,not them. They won’t even question whether it was about SAPA since Valentine’s Day is still far away. You’re welcome.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    8. Sell everything you own

    Vanity upon vanity is vanity. That human hair and PS5 you’re looking at right now is three months of food. You better post it for the highest bidder and focus on surviving.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    9. Host your own heist

    What’s a little La Casa de Papel? all the money the government has been borrowing technically belongs to you. 

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    10. Sleep

    If all else fails, sleep. Is it in your dream somebody will be asking you,  “Savings or current?”.

    If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps

    About the Authors


    Ortega

    Your retired money girl. Still send me dollars *blows powder

More By This Author

OUR MISSION

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.