Sarcasm | Zikoko!

Every two business days, someone drops a hot take that anime is for kids, and you know what? They’re right. Only children would want to watch a bunch of characters run around and fight people that are not fighting them. That’s peak joblessness. Here’s all the proof you need that anime is for kids.

Anime is too soft and emotional

As an adult, why are you watching something that’ll make you feel warm when news channels exist? You better call all the kids in your neighbourhood together so they can watch Grave of Fireflies or Attack on Titan. Those are the kinds of shows only kids deserve to see abi?

RELATED: QUIZ: Which Anime Character Are You According to Your State of Origin?

The main characters are kids, so only kids can relate to them

No, think about it; how can you relate to a twelve-year-old boy looking for his dad and gallivanting around with his little friend with no troubles whatsoever? What’s realistic about that? As an adult, why would you be watching Hunter X Hunter? What life lessons can you gain? Please rethink your life choices.

See, they totally agree

When characters die, it’s cute

We all know that death is not cute in real life. Indeed since anime is for kids, they’ll avoid the grimness of death, right? It’s not like they show splattered blood in Chainsaw Man or a half-eaten, Gala-looking human being in Attack on Titan. No, they just put soft flowers around the cute dead character. People don’t just explode after becoming curses because of some evil antagonist. It’s for kids, nau.

Anime has the softest themes

I mean, it’s a genre for kids; it’s totally okay for kids to watch a psychopath that kill people for fun by writing their names in a black book based on his moral high horse. It’s not like seeing Ryuk from Death Note will scar them for life or anything. Just pure wholesomeness and clear blue skies.

All they do is go on little quests to activate the power of friendship

What’s the fun in watching something like that? Only kids enjoy watching cartoons. It’s not like anime characters are known for occasionally trying to kill their friends over small things. In fact, I recommend letting kids watch Devilman Crybaby to experience true friendship at its peak.

awww besties

Hentai is age-appropriate for kids

You definitely want to interrupt your kid’s regular programming of cococmelon with possibly tentacle sex scenes in anime. I mean, sex education should be taught early, abi? So what if they show a lot of problematic stuff? A genre for kids can do no wrong.

Violence is always the answer

Now come on, that child in your life shouldn’t still be watching stuffed animals teach them life lessons that help them grow to be kind people. They need to watch anime series about a man who occasionally turns into a person with a chainsaw for a head and a chainsaw on his arms to help him fight devils. Yep. That’s something I’d definitely let a child see before they go to bed.

READ ALSO: Everyone Who Watches Anime Has Met One of These 10 Types of Anime Fans
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Can I tell you the truth? If there is one Zikoko flagship you should never miss, it should be Interview With. I’m serious, this series brings you humour, madness, creativity and range like never before. I have interviewed Saxophone, Titus sardine, Small Yansh, Turning Stick, among many others. Why would you miss such a series?

Because I love you, I compiled a list of top ten inanimate object interviews you must read. You’re welcome.

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

Let’s be honest, we are all tired of Saxophone serenades at this point, yeah? We want someone to hold their birthday without the neighbours being disturbed by pararan sounds. If we as humans are tired, guess how tired the actual saxophone must be.

That’s why you should read this interview so you can ‘hear’ Saxophone itself rant to us. Read here.

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

Before Nigerians started discovering the slices of house in Lagos and the madness of Lagos agents, Zikoko already gathered up the apartments and spoke to them about the situation of things. In this interview, we spoke to Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba, Dog House In Lekki, Uncompleted Building In Shomolu, Shop In Mushin, and Slice Of House In Lagos Island. All the apartments Lagos agents offer to you when you tell them you want to rent a house.

Read here.

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

There’s Omicron outside. Constable Sapa too is patrolling the streets. But does this concern Detty December? Apparently not. She’s all dressed up and ready to hit the streets.

Read our interview with her so you can get the full gist of our discussion. Read here.

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

In case you forgot, let us remind you: this was the year Twitter was banned in Nigeria. This was also the year Adamu Garba tried to force Crowwe on us. And this, too, was the same year Adamu Garba filed a lawsuit against Jack Dorsey of Twitter.

You know what we did while all of this was going on? We secretly brought the Twitter bird into our office and interviewed it.

Read here.

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

Gather all the naira notes together, and they still wouldn’t be able to buy you a decent live chicken for Christmas. Why then are we running after them? In this interview, the naira notes expose themselves as fake beaches and detty liars who are living a fake life.

Read here.

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

Quick question: what does not belong in a small chops platter? You don’t have to answer, the members of the small chops association already answered that question in this interview. They all dragged each other, and only one baddie came out on top. Guess which one?

Read here.

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents (read: Lagos alcoholics) have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito. As the investigative journalists that we are, we brought Lagos Mojito itself into our office for questioning.

Guess what? It’s now being called Mojisola.

Read here.

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

In this interview, we spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

Read here.

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? ~~Of course, hold Buhari.~~ And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

It was such a honour to have Titus sardine grace us with its expensive presence.

Read here.

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

See Small Yansh dey shake oh!

Small Yansh ‘shaked’ into our office and we interviewed it. If you’ll read only one interview on this list, let this be the one.

Read here.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

[donation]
Christmas is here again, and as always, chickens are grieving in the market because they are about to be slaughtered. The ones that are not grieving are too expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive don’t have enough meat on them. The next alternative is turkey, but let’s tell ourselves the truth: how many of us can afford a live turkey, especially in this economy where a tin of Titus sardine is the same price as a 48 karat piece of gold?

We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:

1. Lizard.

They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.

2. Snake.

People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.

3. Cockroaches.

This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.

4. Stolen goat.

Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.

6. Your pet dog.

What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.

7. Your ex.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.

Merry Christmas! 💃 🎁

[donation]
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?

Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.

[Detty December walks in and looks around]

Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—

Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?

Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?

Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.

Zikoko: Dirty?

Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?

Zikoko: Not at all.

Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.

[Detty December smacks lips]

Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?

Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?

Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.

Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?

Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.

Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].

Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.

Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?

Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.

Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?

Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.

Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?

Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.

And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.

Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.

Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.

Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.

Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?

Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.

Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?

Detty December: As how?

Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.

Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.

Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?

Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.

Detty December and Queen Elizabeth when they jam at Murtala Muhammed Airport.

Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.

Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?

Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—

[Detty December’s phone rings]

Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!

[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]

Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.

Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.

[Detty December walks out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Lukman, The Lagos Long Island Iced Tea

[donation]
There’s always that one person in your DM who sucks at conversations and always goes “Wyd?”, especially at odd hours of the day. Did we lie? You might have even blocked one or two of such people, because which one is “What are you doing?” by 12 a.m.?

If you want to bother with a response the next time this happens, try the following:

1. “Picking beans”

“But make it, “Picking out the stones to cook and throwing the actual beans away. Ask them if they’d like a plate when it’s done, smh.

2. “Counting the sky”

By the time they try to figure out how many skies are there, you’ve blocked them.

3. “Plotting your downfall”

Since it seems your village people sent them to be a nuisance in your DM.

4. “Avoiding you”

For obvious reasons. Period.

5. “Minding my business”

If you’re feeling extra spicy, add that you highly recommend they do same.

6. “Sleeping”

If they ask how you can be sleeping and chatting at the same time, ask them if it’s their sleep. Tch.

7. “Mopping the ocean”

Yes, tell them it is your favourite pastime.

8. “Sending your number and location to kidnappers”

That should send a loud and clear message not to ask you JAMB question.

9. “Things”

The vaguer the better. Even if you’re doing nothing, and bored out of your mind.

10. “Wyd?”

This is a psychology trick of reflection. So, by returning their question, it may hit them how annoying it is.

11. “Damtkoqa

Meaning, “Don’t ask me this kind of question again.” But leave them to figure out what the acronym means.
To create the perfect Nigerian man, you need a few of these things. It’s okay to mess the order up a bit and use substitutes if you can’t find certain ingredients. It’s just that the product might not be the perfect Nigerian man.

1) A tipper of audacity

One thing Nigerian men have in droves is audacity. They don’t care who you or your dad are; they will do whatever they want. This is the most important ingredient in making the perfect Nigerian man, that’s why you need at least a tipper of audacity. Some might have more, but a tipper is the minimum measuring quantity of how much audacity a Nigerian man has.

2) Six litres of lies

What is a Nigerian man without the ability to lie? Six litres of lies might not be enough, but let it be a guide.

3) Dash of unfaithfulness

A dash can be anything from three grains to a whole bucket. A dash is guided by the ancestors, so make sure you call upon the ancestors to guide you on how unfaithful you want this Nigerian man to be.

4) Bowl of inability to cook

Can Nigerian men cook? No. A bowl of inability to cook is what fuels the male Nigerian population. However, some of these men are able to make things like noodles and fried eggs, so the bowl size is dependent on you.

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5) Two cups of hunger

In addition to not knowing how to cook, the perfect Nigerian man is always hungry. This is why he’s always looking for who to cook for him.

6) Five spoons of alpha male

Nigerian men are tough and don’t show emotions. They also aren’t fans of moisturiser and think that telling your friends you love them means you’re gay the basic characteristics of the typical alpha male. That’s why the perfect Nigerian man is made of at least five spoons of alpha male.

7) Sprinkle of inability to flirt

”Wanna come over”, “where do you base?”, and “I want to marry you”, are some of the ways Nigerian men flirt. Their compliments also include calling you different shades of wife material, and trying to sleep with people.

8) One cup of entitlement

The one cup of entitlement is to complement the tipper of audacity. There’s nothing that screams “Nigerian man” more than entitlement and audacity. That’s why it is another key ingredient.

[donation]
Nollywood is improving and we appreciate them for it, but the sex scenes still need extra work. If you watch Nollywood movies hoping to get an idea of what sex looks like, you will be shocked. Here are 9 unrealistic things you will encounter in Nollywood sex scenes:

1. Opening the door and scattering things.

Nollywood (and Hollywood) have some sex scenes that leave me wondering what exactly is going on. Two horny people bang the door open and suddenly start rushing each other like hot jollof. They’ll kiss against the wall, scatter the table, break bulb, remove wig, yank off eyelashes, all the while squeezing and roughing up each other like kitchen foil. Wetin dey go on? Why are you people treating sex like hot yam? Is that how people do it in real life?

2. Questionable sex positions.

I know the idea is not to turn it to porn, but at least make it as realistic as possible. Your actors are doing doggy style but it looks like they are doing bumbum choreography. Plis plis plis. Even the dogs that are the actual inventors of the style sef don’t do it that way. Doggy well or don’t doggy at all.

3. Sex under the sheets.

I am a virgin oh, but even at that, I know that people don’t have sex with the duvet covering them up. First of all, it will impede movement. Secondly, all that kpa-kpa-kpa is happening under a duvet and you are not scared of the heat that will cook up your genitals? By the time you finish the first round under that thick sweater you call a duvet, prepare to emerge with a boiled kpekus and John Thomas.

4. Intense sex but the make-up is still intact.

They will rough up someone in a Nollywood movie, and by the time they are done, the make-up is still intact, eyelashes is still popping, wig is still set. Who are you people deceiving? Ordinary kissing that we are kissing people, things are shifting positions. But you all will now do all that tug of war and nothing will change. Please, please, just stop.

5. Fake moans.

PLEASE STOP OH. JUST STOP. I know people fake moans in real life and films try to be as close to reality as possible, but some fake moans are too fake, please.

6. Ejaculation faces.

Don’t even get me started on this. Can’t we have men looking pretty when they arrive at “the destination”?

7. Kissing with morning breath.

Nollywood (and Hollywood) people wake up and start kissing each other. I don’t care how much I love whoever is in bed, but if it’s early in the morning and a toothbrush hasn’t touched that mouth, please keep it far away from me. Keep iniquity away from my holy mouth.

8. Unrealistic timing.

Just look at this. Una no get job?

9. Collecting tea after sex.

I kid you not. I saw this movie where the actor gave the actress a cup of watery Milo in the morning after sex. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he said, “Thank you for allowing me deflower you.”

First of all, girl, I am disappointed in you. Someone entered your flower garden to pluck it and you are collecting watery Milo?? Best believe if it were me, I’d be asking you for your entire life.

Anyway, the whole point of this is simple: Sex happens a lot differently from what Nollywood shows us. Please do better or don’t do anything at all. Let your characters be virgins, we will collect it like that.

[donation]
We will go into this article with the assumption that you all know what “Whocup” means. Please don’t pretend, you cannot tell us that you don’t know that “Whocup” is another name for “Hook up.” Yes, that kind of hook up. Don’t squeeze your face until you hear why we think you should consider this line of business:

1. Your salary does not last till month end.

If your salary does not last till the end of the month, it might be time for you to consider doing Whocup. Whocup pays more, and you don’t even have to work from 9-5, unless you are into that kind of thing.

2. Your bills are threatening to finish your life.

Small salary that you are collecting, bills want to choke it to death. How is a young person to survive in these trying times? The answer? WHOCUP. Stand by the roadside or ask people to refer you. You are kuku sleeping with people for free, why not monetise it?

3. If you are the first child, please enter “Whocup” immediately.

Only first children will understand this. We see your struggle, and we wish we could help, that’s why this article exists. Whocup is the way oh.

4. You can meet your destiny helper.

Whocup is a very diverse field. Who knows who you might encounter that will change your life for good? Do Whocup and succeed!

5. You learn different styles.

“Skibidipapapa” style? Whocup will teach you. “Buhari is on top” style? E dey here. “Osinbajo BDSM speciale?” You will learn it here. By the time you decide to get married, you will have become an encyclopedia of sex styles.

6. You can even travel abroad.

Abroad that people are struggling to enter, one night of intense Whocup and you are on a private jet entering Adelaide. Believe me, I have seen it happen.

7. Whocup keeps your body parts active.

Why go to the gym everyday when you can get the exercise (and the orgasms) you need from Whocup? Whocup erases wrinkles, relieves stress and straightens your back. That’s more than enough reason to discover it.

8. Whocup allows you to discover your hidden talents.

So you can have an entire arm shoved down your throat? Oh who would have thought? You can bend lower than Meganmikuro Thee Stallion? Thanks to Whocup! Is wearing rags your thing? The point is, if you don’t enter Whocup, you might probably go all your life without discovering your hidden talents. EXPLORE TODAY!

9. And if you refuse to do it for all these reasons, remember December is coming.

Wizkid is holding a concert, Burna Boy too. How will you pay for it and still detty your December? Whocup is the way oh, my brother, my sister. Let’s enter this thing now.

Please note sha, in all Whocups you are Whocupping, remember that streets are tough. Follow our advice at your peril.

[donation]
There is a matter of national urgency we must attend to: many Nigerians are of the opinion that you cannot make ₦30k per day from selling akara. In this Nigeria where akara is competing with the National Cake? When we heard it, we were disappointed. Some people may perish for lack of knowledge, but if you listen to us, that will not be your portion.

Here are 10 valid spots to sell akara and make over ₦30k per day. Start peeling your beans now.

1. Cemetery.

Imagine selling akara to dead bodies who have not eaten anything since their soul departed from this sinful world? Only you, dominating that market and covering distribution from grave to grave. Believe me, you will make nothing less than ₦50k per night. In less than one month, you will be a silent millionaire.

2. Dammy B’s Night Market

If you don’t know her, Dammy B is the Madam of those people that sell anything sellable. Just go to her and beg her to help you. I swear, one client that she will introduce you to can buy like ₦500k akara in one week. You think they call her Dammy B for nothing? The B in her name stands for “Bundles of Cash.” That should tell you what to expect.

7 Things We Want To Buy At The Night Market

3. Aso Rock.

Imagine selling akara to Buhari himself. Ah, you are made forever. If they catch you there sha, you may end up in jail, but fortune favours the bold my dear.

4. House of Assembly.

Just camp outside so they can see you and patronise you before they go in for the meeting. As they are deliberating on taxes, let them be munching your akara and wondering just how much to tax lazy akara sellers who cannot meet daily target of ₦30k.

4. Winners Chapel.

You mean to tell me that you can’t make ₦30k per day from selling akara to these people? Come off it, abeg. You know what you should do? Tell them your akara was what was shared at the Last Supper and see how people will rush you like hot Jollof.

5. Redeem Camp.

Ahan, just look at. If you cannot market your akara to this mammoth crowd, then you are the source of your own problem oh.

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6. Hell Fire.

These people are hungry. Imagine how they will feel to hear that you can now buy akara at the Hell Fire Cafeteria. If you want to finish the business, just add pure water to it as jara. Omo. You go too sell.

7. Coven meeting.

Witches are people too nau. They need something to snack on while plotting to kill Iya Ramo’s first son. For them, you can fry the akara with palm oil. It will look like blood to them and they will rush you. You don’t even need to make ₦30k per day if you have the witches support.

8. ATM queues

You can sell on credit to people here. Operate on a policy of trust. As soon as they withdraw their money, they come and pay you. Some of them can even buy more to take home to their family.

9. Road to heaven

They said the road is long and narrow. Imagine if you camp there and you’re selling akara. If you don’t make ₦30k, come and arrest me

10. Going door to door with a gun and forcing 100 people to buy 300 naira akara.

If everything else fails, remember that violence answereth all things. Don’t dull.

[donation]
Driving in Lagos will run you mad. One minute, you are a saint, the next minute, you are winding down your window to shout oloriburuku at someone who just almost took out your side mirror. But why raise your voice when you can improve the quality of your madness?

If you ever want them to fear you in Lagos, here are 8 things you must always carry in your car.

1. Calabash and red cloth with three cowries.

This one is for when they stop you at a toll gate or an agbero tries to collect money from you. Always put your money inside it. When you are harassed for money, take it from the calabash. Believe me, they will ask you to be going with your money.

2. Army sticker.

Not everybody who has that “NIGERIAN ARMY” sticker on their windscreen is a part of the army. But who will stop them and ask? Everybody is always afraid of them, and this is why you must get the sticker too. Whatever you do sha, don’t get into trouble with the real army. Zikoko ~~will not~~ cannot save you then.

3. Koboko.

This one is multi-purpose. If someone blocks your car in the parking lot and they still have the nerve to insult you, this one will teach them a lesson. And if any driver bashes your car and tries to move mad, just come down and flog the living daylight out of them. Again, if this person can fight, Zikoko cannot help you.

4. Bathroom slippers.

Wo, any driver that overtakes you in traffic, just wind down and fling it at them. Don’t worry about how you will hit the mark, once the slippers enter your hand, you will feel it.

5. Police cap on the dashboard.

This one can backfire. Too many people have beef with policemen. But they won’t beat you sha. The worst that will happen is that they will offer you N50 bribes when they see you coming towards them.

6. Pankere.

This one is for when a fellow driver misbehaves. Just signal for them to wind down. They will think you have something important to say. Just serve them one on the head — tawai! And speed off.

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7. Duvet.

This is not to show that you are violent. In fact, it is to show that you have enough time for rubbish. If someone overtakes you rudely and you finally get to overtake them, just block their path and pull out your duvet. Now balance on your seat and fall asleep. That place they were rushing to get to, we will see where they will get there. Just pray this person has not read this article because…

8. Blended pepper.

You can also use ground pepper. Just pour it in an empty Ragolis bottle and pierce the cap. Anyone that moves mad next to you, wind down and squirt some pepper in their face. Ojoro cancel ojoro. Their father.

[donation]

Anime is too soft and emotional

The main characters are kids, so only kids can relate to them

When characters die, it’s cute

Anime has the softest themes

All they do is go on little quests to activate the power of friendship

Hentai is age-appropriate for kids

Violence is always the answer

READ ALSO: Everyone Who Watches Anime Has Met One of These 10 Types of Anime Fans

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

1. Lizard.

2. Snake.

3. Cockroaches.

4. Stolen goat.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

6. Your pet dog.

7. Your ex.

Merry Christmas! 💃 🎁

Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—

Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?

Zikoko: Dirty?

Zikoko: Not at all.

Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?

Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.

Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.

Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?

Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?

Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?

Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.

Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.

Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?

Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?

Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.

Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?

Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.

Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—

Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.

READ NEXT: Interview With Lukman, The Lagos Long Island Iced Tea

1. “Picking beans”

2. “Counting the sky”

3. “Plotting your downfall”

4. “Avoiding you”

5. “Minding my business”

6. “Sleeping”

7. “Mopping the ocean”

8. “Sending your number and location to kidnappers”

9. “Things”

10. “Wyd?”

11. “Damtkoqa

1) A tipper of audacity

2) Six litres of lies

3) Dash of unfaithfulness

4) Bowl of inability to cook

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5) Two cups of hunger

6) Five spoons of alpha male

7) Sprinkle of inability to flirt

8) One cup of entitlement

1. Opening the door and scattering things.

2. Questionable sex positions.

3. Sex under the sheets.

4. Intense sex but the make-up is still intact.

5. Fake moans.

6. Ejaculation faces.

7. Kissing with morning breath.

8. Unrealistic timing.

9. Collecting tea after sex.

1. Your salary does not last till month end.

2. Your bills are threatening to finish your life.

3. If you are the first child, please enter “Whocup” immediately.

4. You can meet your destiny helper.

**Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.**