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  • Over here, we are passionate about exploring the realities of men and talking more about the things that men don’t talk about enough and one of them is friendship. So today, we spoke to five men about the best thing a friend has ever done to me.

    Fredrick, 27.
    In 2017, I lost my job and was unemployed for about almost two years. When you are unemployed for that long and don’t have a family that can help you with bills, it gets really bad. I was tired of life and honestly wanted out of it. My friend knew it and stopped letting me stay alone because he knew I would probably harm myself. He would come over with food, or invite me out just so that I could eat without making it clear that he wanted to feed me. One day, I broke down and told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I had to kill myself, he took it upon himself to carry me to his house. I stayed there for three months, he fed and clothed me. He also helped me get into therapy and that really helped me get on the right track.

    Daniel, 25.
    Last year, I got arrested by the police and I was only able to send my location to my friend with a text message. It was around 11 pm and he entered his car and drove to the location and figured out the closest police station. He went there and brought out his press ID card and let them know he had called everyone. It took almost two hours of him raising hell and pulling every string he could to get me out of there. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t done all that.

    Chukwudi, 23.
    When I lost my parents, my best friend travelled immediately to the village to be with me. The next month, she sent me tickets for both of us to fly out. It was so very thoughtful of her because I needed to getaway. I don’t think anyone has done something like that for me since then.

    Steve, 25.
    So my ex was, unknown to me, actually someone else’s girlfriend and because of this there was some drama between me and the guy as the guy was threatening me. One day, he came to my place and was trying to get to me so he could fight me. I called my friend and luckily, he lived close. Omo, he came the fuck through. I was grateful for that because I don’t think I had anyone else that could have come through that quickly especially when they are unsure of what would happen or how brutal it could get.

    Tasie, 32.
    I dropped out of university because of a mental breakdown and when I realized where I even was, it had been two months of me largely being despondent. I didn’t have money, my family didn’t know where I was, and I had no idea what to do with my life. I was staying with my best friend, and I was just there like what even is life? The thing my friend did that I am so grateful for is just allowing me to be there and come to realizations myself. He didn’t push me, he allowed me healed and when I asked for help, he also gave that to me. It took me almost a year to get to where I could afford to move out and he never for once complained or made me feel bad about it.

    • Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject for today’s “Man Like” is Rilwan. He’s a lawyer and premium baby boy. He tells us about the responsibility that comes with living alone, finding it easier to form deeper connections with women than with men and how Amala is life.

    You know the drill.

    Lmao. The first time I had my “man like” moment was at the beginning of 2018 when I moved out of my parent’s house. Moving out was significant because I was suddenly responsible for myself and a lot of choices. Up until then, I’d been fortunate enough to have the support of both of my parents. 

    What were some of the challenges you faced?

    A lot of it was tied to being responsible. I was suddenly living alone with no one monitoring my entry and exit time. I was also now responsible for the choices I made and the company I kept. The question became: “What do I do with my newfound liberties?”

    As someone who has always felt a deeper sense of responsibility, especially when compared to my peers, I had to constantly check myself. I had to ensure that I was as responsible as possible. Although I still had reckless interludes. Lmao. 

    I was expecting you to talk about curtains and furnishing challenges. Are you rich or something?

    Lmaoooo. I’m not rich oh. I moved in with a responsible housemate, so that made furnishing the apartment a lot easier. 

    I remember that one “annoying” challenge I faced from moving out was having to fuel my car myself. When I was living at home, my parents used to fuel my car sometimes and that made things soft for me. After moving out, I was notorious for always driving my car on E — my girlfriend at the time constantly dragged me for this. 

    Till today, I’m amazed when I see people who drive around with full tanks for no reason — I keep wondering why.

    Lmaoooo. 

    I also had a challenge trying to keep track of all my expenses. I haven’t gotten the hang of it, but I keep trying regardless. I guess it’s part of trying to be more intentional with where I put my money. 

    Interesting. Tell me about some things moving out made easier for you.

    Firstly, it reduced my commute time because I was closer to my office. Living alone also removed the burden of mum and dad calling me if I was running late from work. Not having to answer to anyone to a larger extent was one of the things I valued the most. It was also when I moved out that I started thinking about marriage in a deeper sense. In fact, I  thought I’d be married by next year. 

    I —

    Lmao. I had everything figured out and a plan. If I could trace the source of the conviction, I’d say that in addition to other factors, moving out played a big role. It was just like check, I’ve done this. I’ve done that. So I can do this next. 

    Energy. When are we wearing this aso-ebi? 

    It’s a long story, but there were fundamental circumstances around the relationship that couldn’t be resolved, so we ended things. 

    Issues like?

    It’s a long story…

    We have some time.

    It’s a long story. 

    Oh. 

    Yeah.

    …

    In between trying to figure out where my life is headed and trying to show up, I have a lot less incentive for marriage right now. 

    Interesting. Why did you think you were ready then?

    I was sure I had found the right person. I believe a major reason people say they don’t believe in marriage is that they haven’t found the person that’ll make them lock up. At the time I was sure I had found my person, but hey, life happened!  

    Does your experience influence how you navigate romantic relationships these days?

    Sigh.

    It does a whole lot. It’s different when you lose something because you didn’t value it and you realise the value in retrospect. But when you understand the value of what you had and lost it to circumstances beyond you, it hits differently. It’s no longer a case of you didn’t know what you had. It then becomes a situation where you helplessly watch as something of value painfully slips away from you. 

    Photo credit: Aisha Ife

    What this experience does is that it sets expectations for you. You’re always going into romantic relationships using that experience as a benchmark. If nothing else matches it or is better than it, you’re a lot more hesitant to commit. 

    I’m not sure if it’s a problematic thing, but I just feel that we settle so much as Nigerians and marriage and the person we love is something we shouldn’t settle on. 

    I’m jotting.

    Lmao. I always joke that if I continue with this mindset, I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. 

    My unpopular opinion is that the choice of who you end up with is a lot less about love and more about compatibility — does the relationship fit into your family and spirituality goals? Are they team stay or team jaapa? I’m not saying love isn’t important, I just think there are so many considerations to navigate. 

    I’m curious about your red flags for relationships.

    I don’t do “crazy” people.  Some people might find it exciting, but I’m not cut out for the stress that comes with it. 

    I also can’t be with someone who can’t hold a conversation, isn’t genuine and doesn’t have some measure of consistency. I understand that people have different versions of themselves, but I want to be able to know that the version of you I’ll see today will be the same to a large extent as the version I’ll see tomorrow.  

    Naira to dollar exchange rate, I hope you’re listening?

    Lol. 

    Does anything scare you?

    I generally struggle with feelings of inadequacy and I’m constantly asking myself if I’m good enough. It’s a battle of constantly checking myself and reminding myself of my capabilities. This feeling of “not enough” always leaves me fearful that growth opportunities might pass me by. It’s something that I’ll keep working on. 

    Photo credit: Aisha Ife

    Then there’s also the question of purpose: “What am I here for?”  “What’s my end game?” “Where do I see myself in 20 years?” There’s also the part of navigating societal expectations where I find myself asking: do I want to be a father? And what kind of father will I be?

    It’s a lot to think about and I’m thankful for friendships where we’re not shy to talk about our struggles. 

    Tell me about these friendships.  

    They’re mostly with women. Right from primary school, some of my closest friends have been women. I remember that people used to mock me for this, but the truth is I found it easier to form deeper connections with women. With men, I found it difficult to have conversations about the things that were on my mind in quiet moments. Beyond all the jazz and noise, I wasn’t sure I was having real conversations with my male friends. 

    So you don’t have male friends you have deep conversations with?

    I do. In the past year, I’ve been intentional about nurturing deeper relationships with men. I’m very pro-deeper friendships.  

    What’s that experience like?

    It’s not been easy. 

    In my experience, women are a lot more open and honest about their struggles. With men, there’s a whole lot of intentional effort that goes into getting your guy to talk. You have to ask how they are three times before they talk about their issues. These days, as young men who are all struggling to find our place in the world and are facing many challenges, we definitely need to talk. 

    My friends are slowly accepting that someone asking how you really are slaps differently, especially as Nigerian men. As a man in Nigeria or even as a Nigerian, you’re always going through something traumatic. 

    My brother. 

    Have you experienced any pushbacks from trying to form deeper relationships with men?

    For sure. But I’ll never give up. Mostly because I’ve seen what happens when you don’t talk to your friends or just leave them be. 

    Oh. 

     I had a friend from Uni who took her life a couple of years ago. The rumour [whether wrong or right] was that she was struggling with figuring out her place in the world and there was not enough support for her to talk about it. 

    That incident made me feel like I didn’t pay enough attention. It also made me realize how similar we all are at the end of the day. I realise that regardless of any push back I need to always reach out. 

    Photo credit: Aisha Ife

    Because of books and websites where I get to read about the experience of others, I don’t find it discouraging to reach out. Consuming other people’s stories makes me realize that I’m not alone [and no one should be], and there’s no shame in being open about struggles. 

    I feel you. 

    You mentioned something about a lot of your friends being female, I’m curious about that. 

    It’s a lot of dealing with people either calling you a woman wrapper or [wrongly] assuming you’re sleeping with your female friends. At some point, I used to be bothered but I’ve learnt that one thing I owe myself is to live an authentic life. It’s easier to live with myself because I don’t depend on the validation of others. In fact, I sleep better at night. 

    I’m not going to throw away deep, meaningful friendships with my female friends because of what people will or won’t say.

    How do you balance your female friendships with a romantic relationship? Do they clash?

    They do. My best friend in the entire world [even though we don’t do labels] is a woman. What this means is that whenever I’m in a relationship, the dynamics of our relationship changes. 

    It’s not like I cut her off or anything. It’s just making adjustments and respecting my partner enough that I don’t create the wrong impression or find myself in situations beyond my control. This means prioritising my partner at the time and always placing her first.

    Wahala for who is not your number one woman.

    Smh.

    How do you define your masculinity?

    Masculinity is not something I really care about or think about often. However, if you placed a gun to my head asking for a definition, I’d say masculinity involves self-restraint. It’s lowering your ego and accepting responsibility. Being accountable too. Ultimately, it’s a continuous process of learning and unlearning until we’re comfortable enough to make authentic decisions that allow us to sleep better at night. 

    Love it. 

    Random question: what do you think are some things necessary to live a happy life?

     Jollof rice. 

    Party Jollof in the morning and amala with abula in the afternoon. Very key. 

    A life without amala is not a life worth living —Rilwan 2021.

    On a more serious note, I think that to live a “happy” life you need to surround yourself with people who love and care about you unconditionally. People who always want the best for you even when you can’t see it. 

    I see. Do you think you’re surrounded by people who love you unconditionally?

    Yes, I think so. 

    My chest. So sweet. 

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Moboluwaduro, a doctor. He talks to us about his plans to spoil his mum and struggling to pay his first house rent. Additionally, he tells us how observing his dad showed him that people express affection differently.

    When did you get your “Man now” moment?

    I feel like I’ve generally been privileged because I wasn’t rushed into becoming “a man”. When I finished my first degree in Basic medical science, I went back to medical school. In a way, I kept asking myself if I was going to medical school because I wanted to be a doctor or if I wanted to be shielded a little more from growing up. 

    The first time I got hit with the reality of being a man was when I finished housemanship — a compulsory one year service medical graduates undergo in the hospital. I suddenly went from having a well-paying job and a hospital-provided apartment to hustling for a job and trying to figure out how to pay rent. 

    That’s when the bubble burst. 

    For the duration of my housemanship, I’d saved up ₦500,000 to rent an apartment in Lagos. After going around for two to three weeks, it dawned on me that I had fucked up. As someone who’s always prepared for anything, I was rudely shocked when I realised that my one-year savings couldn’t pay rent. 

    When my eyes cleared, I SOSed my mum and was like, “Mummy, send help.” Through the efforts of my mum, combined with a loan from a friend is how I eventually paid the rent of my first apartment.

    Damn. 

    I didn’t have money for furnishing after I moved in, so my sitting room was empty. Thankfully, I got a job. An aunt here came through, another friend here came through, and I was finally able to set up the house. It took me nine months to find my feet. The post housemanship phase was a life-changing event that showed me “real life.”

    I’m sorry.

    Nah, it’s fine. I’ve come a long way from then, and while I’m not a pro at this adulting business, I remind myself that I’m not doing badly. At least I stay in my own apartment and I now pay my rent without any assistance. LMAO. 

    LOL. What did you learn from your house-hunting experience? 

    House-hunting in Lagos teaches you how challenging it is to be a young adult in Nigeria. How can it be legal for landlords to expect you to have almost a million naira to pay rent for like two years? When you compare other countries where rent is monthly versus our lump-sum system, you start to see how cruel the system is on young people trying to find their feet. 

    I also learnt that there’s mad corruption in this country. If a professional who’s supposed to be relatively comfortable is struggling, it shows that cost of living doesn’t match income levels. I suspect that illegal money in the possession of a select few has inflated housing costs and made life more difficult for honest earners. 

    The whole house hunting experience made me feel poor and helpless. I kept asking, “How do people who don’t earn as much as doctors fare?”

    Bro! Does this reality scare you? 

    Yes, it does. There’s the worry that people may come for you because they feel you’re better off than them. 

    I’m actually scared of being outside my house past 7 p.m. I grew up in the relatively sleepy town of Ijebu-Ode where 7:30 p.m. counted as getting home late. And I also grew up hearing about how unsafe Lagos was. Add low income and high cost of living to my fears, and suddenly, my anxiety makes sense. 

    I feel you. Do you have any other fears?

    I’m scared of my mum dying before I have enough time to do big man things for her. I do things for her in my own little way, but I want to really spoil her; I want her to ask for x amount while I send her 3x the amount. 

    Energy oh. 

    Lool. My mum has been there for me every step of the way and has supported me through everything I’ve done in life. No one can want good for you more than your parents. There’s nothing I’ve asked my mum for that she didn’t find a way to provide. 

    If my mother saved all the money she spent on her children, she’d probably be a multimillionaire by now. That’s why I won’t feel accomplished until I can properly spoil her. 

    Love it. Do you feel the same way about your dad?

    My dad is reserved and a man of few words. Also, he was constantly shuttling between Ijebu-Ode and Lagos for work, so this made conversations sparse. I guess it’s easier to gush about my mum because we spent a lot of our formative years with her. 

    Overall, I’m not worried because my mum takes care of my dad. Taking care of her guarantees I’m also taking care of my dad. 

    Neat. Did your dad’s reserved attitude have any impact on the type of man you grew up to become?

    As reserved as my dad is, I know he’ll give me a kidney if I need one. I remember that every Sunday, my dad would put us on his laps and cut our fingernails and toenails. He’d also never finish his food without giving the kids meat from his plate. I came to understand that he wasn’t cold, but just affectionate in his own way. I mean it’d have been nicer if he was more expressive with his emotions, but I understand that he’s a product of his upbringing. 

    I like to think that I’m an antithesis of my dad because I wear my emotions on my sleeves. 

    Observing my father showed me that the fact that someone doesn’t express themselves the way you want doesn’t necessarily mean they’re cold. It just means that they show love differently. 

    How does wearing your emotions on your sleeves play out for you?

    It’s going quite well. Being myself has allowed me to attract like-minded people. With my friends — both male and female — I try to be vocal about my feelings. I don’t want to die and my friends are unsure about how I feel about them. I understand this behaviour is definitely not what society expects of me as a man, but I’m an open book. I’m now 30+, it’s too late to fight who I am. 

    Do people tell you to act like a man/man up?

    I used to hear it a lot while I was growing up. One of the beauties of adulthood is that growing older gives you a tougher skin and the words people say have less power to hurt you. 

    You have to be unapologetically who you are. You must not allow someone’s opinion or definition of who you are hold you back. 

    Mum, Dad, I hope you’re reading this?

    Lol.

    How do you define your masculinity?

    I don’t. I like to believe that I’m self-aware enough to be my own person. This knowledge is why I don’t subscribe to certain notions of masculinity. 

    I cry when I get frustrated. Some people see crying as a sign of weakness, but I’ve found that crying helps me relieve frustrations. Crying doesn’t stop me from pursuing my goals because as I’m crying, I’m still putting one leg in front of the other. 

    I feel like I’m a complete person, so I don’t bother putting labels and expectations on masculinity. 

    Interesting. What do you think is different about being a man in Nigeria?

    Your recognition as a man is tied to your ability to provide. If you can’t do that, you’re not counted as a man. If you have money, your experience as a man in Nigeria is 70% easier because everyone respects and treats you differently. I think this is the reason why men spiral when they get into situations where they can no longer provide. They understand, subconsciously, what’s at stake. 

    I’m curious about your role models for what it means to be a man.

    Weirdly enough, I don’t think I have anyone. All in all, I always want to be a nicer and better model of my previous self.  I know the things I want and I’m always open to change, so I don’t put any one person on a pedestal. I add and remove from people’s traits as I find them useful to me.

    To be honest, the only “role model” I want to be is to be successful. After all, people say that money is the bicycle of the gospel. 

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Olanrewaju, the head of TC Insights — a research group that gathers data on startups in Africa, and uses the data to provide insights for stakeholders. He talks to us about the sacrifices of fatherhood, the influence of his parents in his life’s journey and what men should know before getting married. 

    When did you get your “Man Now” moment?

    I’d say that there hasn’t been one single moment. I feel that because I’m constantly evolving, it has been several moments. The first time I discovered I was “a man” was when I hit puberty and discovered changes in my body. In my head, I was like, “I’m becoming a man with my physical features.”

    Another incident was going to boarding school in another state and having to fend for myself against hungry seniors. That was a lonely experience that also made me sit up. 

    Marriage has been the biggest level up for me because I’ve had to learn new things about myself and my partner, and make sound decisions. After trying to balance marriage, fatherhood hit me. I’ve mostly just been discovering different “man now” moments as I progress from one level to another. 

    Tell me about your fatherhood experience.

    Ah. Bro. Lmaoooo. 

    Fatherhood is a huge responsibility. You can try to prepare yourself by learning and reading from other people, but nothing prepares you for the actual job. From the change in your schedule — blocking out your schedule so that you can spend meaningful time raising a child — to combining work and family, to even being responsible for someone.

    Fatherhood adds a layer of complexity to your life and exposes new things about you. Even though it’s a mixed bag of experiences, nothing replaces the joy of watching your kids grow. 

    What have been the challenging parts of fatherhood?

    On one hand, there’s the physical stress of waking up at night to take care of a baby. Then there’s the psychological part where I’m hyper-aware that I’m now responsible for another human being and I have to do right by them. I’m constantly asking myself, “Am I setting the right example for my boys?” “Have I sent my kids to the best schools ?” It’s a whole different type of performance pressure. 

    Growing up, we’d say that our parents put a lot of pressure on us to perform, but the reality is that parents are also under pressure. Even if kids don’t say, there are certain expectations that are placed on you to make them happy. 

    Have you ever had to trade personal fulfilment for the sake of fatherhood?

    I’ve worked two to three jobs at the same time before just because I couldn’t shake off the internal pressure to do right by my family. I was so worried that I took on a full-time job alongside side gigs that required the effort of full-time jobs. It didn’t end well because I eventually had a breakdown. 

    I’m sorry. 

    It’s fine. 

    What are the joys of fatherhood?

    It’s everything from watching your child cry to taking their first step. It’s also hearing my two-year-old son tell me: “Daddy do you know I love you?” followed closely by a warm hug. Other times, it’s me melting when my older son says, “Mummy and daddy are the best.” One of the most priceless things in life is watching your kids come from nowhere and grow to become an integral part of your life. 

    So cute. I seek refuge against the spirit of baby fever.

    Hehe.

    Does anything scare you though?

    I recently lost my mum, so I find myself thinking more about the reality of death. The concept of here today and gone tomorrow is a lot to take in. No matter how much we accept that death is a constant factor in life, we’re never truly prepared for loss. The finality of death is scary, but my faith in Jesus keeps me going.

    Asides from the finality of death, I can’t think of anything that really scares me. This is because my approach is to constantly try to solve a problem, no matter how daunting. After all, I’ve been through the worst mentally, and I’ve come out more emotionally mature. 

    Tell me about the worst mental experience.

    During that period where I was working three jobs, things went south. I broke down and suffered from a bout of depression coupled with suicidal thoughts. It was one of the most difficult points in my life — I had to go see a doctor for help, I was out of a proper job for almost a year, and I was just going through the motions.  

    Sometimes I look back and there’s a tinge of regret, but I’m just glad the worst is over. I’m in a better place now with my career, and I have a better grasp of things. 

    What are some things that have changed in your approach to work between now and then?

    I’ve come a long way from crying at a job to being more centred in my current role. One thing I learnt from my breakdown is that energy management is greater than time management. I’ve learned to manage my bandwidth for projects because spreading myself too thin would make me unhappy, stressed out and unfulfilled at jobs. 

    I’m jotting things. Tell me about your current job.

    I work at TC Insights where we do deep research and analyse various sectors. A lot of my job involves coming up with fifty-page briefs on particular topics. The best part is that because I now utilise energy and bandwidth management, I can work hard and still go home to have a good night rest. You could say I’m living the best of both worlds.

    Love it. Where do you find joy these days?

    It’s not one thing. Today I might find satisfaction from a project I’m working on. Tomorrow it might be from watching CNN pundits analyse American politics. Some other day I’d find satisfaction in watching Bridgerton on Netflix with my wife. About three weeks ago, I found a lot of joy in teaching and watching my son trace number 2. Seeing him go from zero to hundred was so satisfying to observe. 

    I repeat: I refuse to fall for this baby fever agenda.

    LMAO.

    You’ve spoken a lot about work and family, is there a place for friendship in your life?

    I don’t keep a lot of friends because between working and raising a family, I’m constantly struggling to maintain friendships. For the few people I’m friends with, I try to show up whenever they need me.

    Hmm. Who do you go to for advice?

    Because of the way my life is set up, I don’t have a single person. What I have are a series of people depending on the topic I need advice on. For marriage, I sometimes talk to my closest friend and we discuss openly all the nuances of marriage. For work stuff, I approach people who have been through similar challenges for advice. When I need an older perspective, I talk to my dad. 

    Interesting. Who are your role models for what it means to be a man?

    I’d say, my parents. 

    From my dad, I learned to take responsibility for my life and family. He taught me to wake up every day and show up for the people who matter to me. He also showed me how to use tools like emotional intelligence and diplomacy. 

    My mum taught me the value of hard work and the importance of family. Outside of these two people, I’ve had different people influence me in little ways, but there’s no single person that has influenced the entirety of my experience. 

    Love it. What advice would you give young men considering marriage? 

    I’d encourage them to run their race at their own pace and not give in to the pressure to tick some societal boxes. Marriage is a lifetime decision and it has to be treated as such. It’s important to ensure that your partner is someone you gel with in every area of life [Shout out to my wife, Princess].

    Men should also break out of the stereotypical definition of being a married man. Marriage is a partnership. I think that if all these are followed, then peace will follow in the marriage. 

    Amen.

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s Man Like is a visual artist, writer and occasional spirit husband. He tells us about losing his parents when he was 10, moving a lot because he lived with different families and starting to live when he turned 24.

    When did you get your “Man Like” moment?

    So there are two answers here. If you ask me the first time I started feeling like a man, my closest answer would be final year project defense. I wore some ash wool trousers with a blue striped shirt, second-hand shoes and suspenders. And I followed the combo with a big boy bounce. In my head, I was like, “Wow, yes, I have arrived.”

    LMAO.

    In a sense, it was the aesthetics of being a man that dawned on me. The first time I felt the expectations of being a man was when my parents died. I had just turned ten, and there were expectations that I was going to continue my father’s lineage. It was weird because I had been insulated from all of these expectations up until then. At the burial, people kept on saying I shouldn’t cry because I was “a man”. In my head, I thought, “Okay this is new.”

    Mahn, I’m sorry. How did you cope after their death?

    I lived with different families through my teenage years up until my early twenties.

    What does moving around do to you as a person?

    It makes you not hold on to a defined sense of identity. It also leaves you craving permanence; a desire to stay in one place and hold on to something for a while. You lose a part of yourself each time you move and assimilate to a new family. As an adult, I find that I’m still always travelling. I’m still interested in moving. Even now that I have my own place, there’s a restlessness to move on to the next thing.

    Are you an only child?

    I have a not so little sister, but we lived separately and only got to spend Christmas together during our teenage years. In my head, I’m an only child because I had to deal with a lot of things alone — it’s only recently I started to rely on people. In fact, I called my sister before this interview.

    LOOL. How did constantly moving affect your ability to make friends?

    On one hand, I amassed an uncomfortable number of people in my life. Uncomfortable because moving into so many families meant i had no psychological or physical space of my own. 

    On the other hand, I always had it in the back of my mind that I’d return to the city where I grew up in. However, by the time I went back, all my dear friends had either left the country or had changed. 

    These days my disposition is to be personable and friendly, but I don’t actively encourage friendships. I remember someone trying to be friends with me, and I was like, “You’re an amazing person and we could both learn a lot from each other, but you came at the wrong time in my life. I have a lot of things to deal with.” Even with my tactic, some people have still managed to find their way into my life. 

    Awww. What are some important relationships that have added to your life?

    I’d say intergenerational friendships. I find that because my friends differ from me in lived experience, age and geography, these friendships pull me out of my reality. I get to witness other possibilities. I’m 29 now, and I’m looking forward to my thirties mostly because I’ve seen how my friends above thirty have embraced life. Watching them just live life gives me a lot of hope. This is a lot of improvement from the teenager who had no plans of seeing past 25. 

    Interesting. Does anything scare you?

    I don’t think I have any fears. I see the possibility of death hanging over anyone I love so I’m always telling myself that loss can happen at any time. I know I love someone when the thought of them dying stresses me out. 

    Ah. I see.

    I really started coming alive as a full person around the time I turned 24, which was around the time I wore suspenders. It was also the year of good music. I started listening to what young people my age were listening to, and I stopped thinking about death. 

    Before turning 24, I had just been going through the motions.  I really feel like I’ve lived a full life and if I die now I’ll be happy. 

    Wawu. What are some differences before turning 24 and after turning 24?

    For one, I feel like I’m the shit. 

    I’m also learning to occupy space more. 

    I’m learning to accept help. 

    To accept compliments. 

    To rely on people. 

    I’m learning to allow myself to feel loved.

    I love you mahn.

    I don’t believe you because you said the same thing to Adekunle Gold. 

    Scream.

    What gives you joy?

    Kidney pie — dough with kidney stuffing — gives me joy.  Then Citrus! I love using citrus-scented soaps. I also love Electronic dance music: I pray the angels fast forward the footage of me dancing alone in my apartment when they put my life on the projector on judgement day.

    Then the colour red makes me happy because God speaks to me in the colour red. I own red candles and my dressing room is painted blood red. 

    Are you… like a cultist?

    Haha. 

    I want to hear about your models for what it means to be a man. 

    Because of how I grew up, I had models that were not gender-specific — My parents alternated cooking and other house chores. My dad was more likely to laugh or say sorry to me than my mom in fact. I only started considering him as a model after he died and I started encountering other forms of [toxic] masculinity. These encounters made me start archiving memories of my dad because I was like this is how men are expected to behave in society, but this is how it was in my house. For me, those memories were in a way me clinging to being soft and kind.

    Interesting.

    In addition to being soft and kind, I also wanted to be as creative as my father. 

    How so?

    My dad had a studio behind the house where he used to make stuff because he was very good with his hands. While I didn’t follow his exact path, I still feel that a lot of my identity has been defined by my creative career. Being able to create is what made me consider life. 

    A lot of decisions I took in my life, the characters in my stories did them first. The first time I asked someone out was because I had written a character where a 19-year-old — who was my age mate then — had asked someone out, so what was the big deal? In real life, it ended up becoming a two-hour conversation and some long ass walk. 

    Damn. 

    Tying your identity to a career is not healthy because I remember this one time where I was in a bad space because my career wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I had to constantly affirm myself outside of my career. It was a constant struggle to remind myself that I didn’t need to be a great author to be worthy of being alive.

    Heavy stuff. 

    How do you define your masculinity?

    I only define it in the parts that interest me. And that’s in the aesthetics/fashion. But there’s also socialisation and how masculinity relates to me in terms of bias. Even though I don’t feel “masculine”, I still find myself unlearning little biases I didn’t know I had in me. 

    I thought I was “woke”, but I have realised no matter how feminist you are in your relationship with a woman, the world is still waiting with its nonsense outside. I was in a friend’s car once and when road safety stopped us, the officer came to “bargain” with me and not my friend in the driver seat who owned the car — because she was well, a woman. I almost responded to him but I had a ‘wait a minute’ moment in my brain.

    There was a funnier incident years ago when someone had asked me out, and I accepted and was happily enjoying the relationship. One day I got a text: When are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend officially? I was like, wait, is it joke we have been joking since? I’m learning that at the end of the day, we all have inherent gender biases to work through.

    Preach. Has anything ever threatened your idea of masculinity?

    I think there’s generally a sense of compulsory masculinity that piles certain expectations on you. I internalised some of those ridiculous expectations when I was younger. 

    For example, I hated jewellery growing up. When I started interrogating my hate, I realised it was simply because society decided men wearing jewellery was effeminate and anything that leans towards the feminine must be punished. I read that before colonisation came, my father’s people (Tiv) actually mocked teenage boys who turned fifteen without wearing gold earrings. 

    Oh wow.

    I don’t think masculinity is bad. It can be colourful too. I’ve lived in parts of Nigeria where men dye their beard orange or wear eyeliner. I’m also interested in the idea of collaboration between men. There’s a strong chance for men to have real conversations and unlearn toxic masculinity. If men on Twitter could come together and build a stingy men association website, then they could intervene in the case of boys who go through sexual abuse.

    Overall, I’m just interested in being soft last last. I don’t have strength for the performance society wants from me. It’s too limiting. The world is vast and full of wonders. 

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Muyiwa. He’s a writer and business mogul. He tells us why men should live intentionally, the role of friendship in his life, and his beer journeys.

    When did you get your “Man now” moment? 

    I don’t think I’ve had one moment. For me, it’s been a lot of small moments which always comes down to people being able to rely on me when the stakes are high. And not just anybody. I’m talking about my parents respecting me enough to ask for my opinion — about something high level that’s bothering them — not to ask for money or send me on an errand. And when I talk they actually listen to me. 

    That didn’t always happen. If your experience is limited no one is going to call you for advice. If you’ve never faced certain conditions, no one is going to call you. 

    Interesting. 

    In addition to my parents, I also have friends who ask for my opinion. My friend wants to quit their job and they aren’t sure so they reach out. A friend who’s a parent calls to ask about the pros and cons of buying a house vs sending a kid to school abroad. That’s as high stakes as it gets, and I’m like, “What do I fucking know that somebody is asking for my opinion?”

    The older I get, I find that people want me to weigh in on things. Half the time I’m screaming, “See, I don’t have the answers any more than you do.” But there’s also the part where they don’t need me to have answers — sometimes explaining how I’m thinking of their problem is all the help they need. You’d be surprised at the kind of person you are when the stakes are high. 

    Don’t these expectations scare you? 

    To be fair, not a lot of things scare me. Dealing with my own fair share of challenges early prepared me. In university, I had an extra semester that became an extra year simply because they moved the course to the second semester. I got out of uni, and I couldn’t find a job for a year. When I found a decent enough job, I got dragged to court by my employer and spent four to five days in prison for nothing.

    All these experiences coupled with personal failures helped me redefine what to be scared of. For things I can control, like work, relationships, I’ve learnt that increasing knowledge reduces my fear. Then for things that I can’t control, like death, there’s nothing you can do. You just get on with it. I understand that a lot of this is based on my disposition to life; my perspective is that as long as I’m not dead, I’ll keep trying. 

    This sounds super hardcore. I’m curious about how you get through a difficult day/bad patch.

    Ọmọ. Bad patch differs from bad patch. There’s a regular bad patch where you go home, drink a beer and call a friend to talk about your day. There are other bad patches where you need to call your family because they’re the only ones who can bring the energy you need at that point. I’m not really a sharer, and this is sometimes a limitation. However, I’ve found that whenever I open up, my friends are really invested in my life. I don’t take it for granted that I can tell them about a bad day and they’ll call to check up throughout that week.

    I find time to drink beer twice a month with my closest friends. Beyond the drinking, I’ve realised that we’re lowkey a support group where we encourage each other, share things we’re working on, and help members in financial distress. My friends are my family, and in them, I’ve found my tribe. 

    Wahala for who no get tribe.

    When I was younger, I used to say a lot of weird things. Like “the people you work with are not your friends.” or “Twitter people are not your friends.” Life, time and the benefit of experience have shown that those statements were garbage.

    When I went to prison, some of my closest friends didn’t show up. Instead, it was the people I used to drink beer with that showed up. These guys left their jobs and were running around for me. One of them even stood as a surety for me. It was at that moment I saw that with each hangout, our relationship had slowly become more rooted. We now have a WhatsApp group where we talk about serious things and also just banter. It’s a pretty safe space where I can say “I’ve had a shitty day and I need someone to come over”, and someone would leave their office. 

    Ahan. I too want to partake in this.

    Lmao. It’s a closed WhatsApp group. 

    You said something about not being a sharer. How does this play out in romantic relationships? 

    My love life is a disaster, and it’s the subject of unending continuous jokes among my friends. Not being a sharer is not good for any relationship, but I like to think that it gets easier the more I get comfortable with the person.

    I’ve realised that there are things that I don’t share because I haven’t processed the event. However, I’ve learned that it’s important to communicate this reality to my partner. Something as simple as saying, “I don’t want to talk about it right now because I’m still processing.” or “Can we talk about it tomorrow?”

    Hmm. Does this influence the kind of people you date?

    I wish I could say that I’m intentional about relationships, but the truth is that many times, my relationships are anywhere belle face. And that’s not a good thing. I’ve been lucky to meet amazing people, so I’ve not been pressured to change my methods. I generally find that I don’t attract impatient people. 

    What’s one relationship that has added to the quality of your life?

    This will be divided into two. The human part and my dog. You think your dog annoys you until he is out of the house for four days. You go to the parlour and it’s empty. You feel an ache when you look at the door to your room and you don’t see your dog there. Then you say to yourself: “God forbid, I’m missing a dog.” 

    It’s funny because I used my fridge money to buy my dog, Charlie. I had ₦50,000  to buy a fridge, and I opened Twitter and saw someone selling American Eskimo for ₦45,000. That’s how the money got diverted. I couldn’t afford a fridge for another nine months. 

    LMAO. 

    What of the human part?

    That’d be my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Nothing has ever challenged my perception of self like that. We arrive at a point where we think we’re perfect, do all the right things and we’re great at communication. If you’re lucky, someone comes along to challenge these notions and you get some growth. I think everyone needs the type of love that makes you say, “Wait, me?” By being aware of your shortcomings, it becomes easier to apologise and you become open to criticism. 

    I feel attacked. 

    Lol. 

    What does masculinity mean to you?

    Masculinity is about showing up for your shift, doing your best and accepting whatever result comes with your head unbowed. And also knowing that sometimes your head will be bowed — this is where the relationships you build with people become useful. You can find safety within them. 

    If you say you have friends, and you don’t call them in a month, you’re not showing up for your shift in that friendship. Call your friends, take them out for drinks, pay attention when they talk so you know what’s going on in their lives. Buy something for your friends that lets them know they’re your guys. Show up for your family. Even if people complain about black tax, understand your own situation and realise we’re all different. Find joy in being there for your family. Don’t spend all your time chasing money that you forget to show up for people.

    Profound. Do you have role models that shaped your idea of masculinity?

    I’d say my father is a pretty strong figure though we didn’t get along when I was growing up. He is a strong example of you must go through good times and bad times, but you must always get on with life. My father has embodied to me that a man is human, flawed and with his own virtue. And at the end of the day, it counts to really try — you can’t KPI your life like some to-do list. You have to live intentionally and genuinely. 

    Love it. 

    What does the perfect drink look like to you? 

    LMAO. I feel like it changes. In 2006, it was Star because there was Star Trek and everyone drank it. Then I moved to Heineken, but it was too expensive so I had to do anywhere belle face. I moved to Hero. I really enjoyed drinking Trophy before because that beer knew where I hurt and did a good job of soothing the pain. It was a chilled beer that was neither too heavy nor light. Almost like a Lagos man that can form tush or werey depending on the situation. 

    Lately, I’ve been drinking Tiger beer. I’m turning thirty this year and it’s the perfect beer for my thirties. Mostly because I’m currently in the space where you’ll find me just chilling with a cold bottle while judging the whole world. 

    LMAO. 

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject for today’s “Man Like” is Micheal Okoh. He’s a makeup artist and a content creator. Micheal tells us about discovering his love for makeup while growing up, struggling with anxiety, and some of the requirements for living a happy life.

    Everyone gets their “man now” moment. Do you remember yours?

    I’m going to break the answer into two parts. My first realisation happened in JSS 3/SS 1 when I had my first wet dream. I realised that something was changing in me, and I was becoming a different person. The next realisation was when I couldn’t recognise my face after I caught my reflection in the mirror. Until that moment, I hadn’t really observed my face closely. Staring at my face in the mirror, I was like, “Yup, you look old. You now resemble a man.”

    Interesting. You sound like you’re scared of getting old.

    LMAO. Even though I don’t like to admit it, getting old scares me. It seems that the older you get, the more pressure piles and life starts to kick you. Also, the body changes that come with old age scares me — I’m usually shocked whenever I see how much adults I grew up knowing have changed. Change is crazy, and it’s still something I struggle to accept.  

    Same. Does anything else scare you? 

    I’m scared of failing. There are many things I should have done but didn’t because of the fear of failure. Sometimes even saying out my plans is scary because I keep asking myself: what if? I’m scared that life can just hit me hard and leave me asking, “Wow. What just happened?

    What are some examples of things you’ve failed at?

    Hahaha. The first incident that comes to mind is secondary school. There was this term where they mixed everyone in the set and we took exams together. In my own class, I used to come fourth or fifth. However, this time the school decided that instead of ranking class by class, they’d rank everyone in the set. That’s how I suddenly moved from fourth to fourteenth. I told myself: “This is on you because you didn’t prepare.”

    Damn. What’s something you’re scared to fail at?

    One place I’m scared of failure is with makeup. For the longest time, I’ve had the idea to hold a WhatsApp class to train people on how to do makeup. But I’m always scared of starting because I’m like, what if people don’t show up? What if I don’t train them well enough? What if I don’t agree with them? It’s just this year I finally decided to do something. I’m going to hold my class next month and stop worrying about whether things will work out or not. 

    Energy. Tell me about your makeup journey.

    It all started in 2016/17 when I was living with my sisters. I remember thinking one of them was a makeup artist because of how good she was at it. My sisters spent so much time doing makeup that they always made us late for church on Sunday mornings. What struck me was how they always looked like different people when they were done with the makeup. That was when I started to fall in love. 

    There was also the era of PicMix where people would do before and after photos — it was magical seeing how makeup transformed people. I wanted to know the trick, so I started watching a lot of Youtube and Instagram videos. I also started practising on myself and my sisters, and I could practise as many as three times a day because of how eager I was. During that period, I saw one before and after video of a bride on her wedding day. Just looking at her dress, her tiara, the background music, I was like, this is perfection. At that moment, I was sure that makeup was something I wanted to do for life. 

    I don’t know about you, but Harmattan makes me cry. 

    LOL. 

    Did you experience any pushback from your family? 

    I grew up effeminate and that helped. In the beginning, when I started makeup, my family was against it. They were worried about my chosen path and kept asking why. However, they realised I wasn’t stopping because I was spending all my pocket money on buying kits and equipment. I’d also show them my practice videos. I think all that seriousness eventually won them over.

    Energy oh. 

    It wasn’t easy like that. My mum wasn’t fully in support. I’d catch her making a face anytime I told her I was going to do makeup for someone. I’m thankful that things improved. These days she’s always asking whether I have jobs or not. 

    Lmao. Love it. 

    Funny enough, the pushbacks I’ve gotten are mostly from external sources; like social media. In 2019, when I started posting my makeup content, while the reception was mostly good, I got one or two negative comments from Twitter and IG. I’ve generally learnt to ignore negative comments and focus on the positives. Sometimes when I’m in public, I see people giving me nasty looks and some of them even point at me. 

    Omo.

    It’s very exhausting. I struggle with anxiety, and when I get paranoid, being outside can be triggering. Anytime I’m outside, my face is usually covered with a mask and sunglasses so that no one recognises me. When they do, I don’t know how to react: Do they like my video or don’t agree with it? It’s always a struggle trying to figure out what they want and matching their energy. If they like my video, I never know what to say, so I just keep thanking them over and over again. 

    Did I hear someone say celebrity? 

    Na so. 

    How do you define masculinity?

    I really don’t think masculinity is a real thing. I feel like it’s a term that people developed to give something a name. It’s interesting because everyone has different perspectives on what it means to be a man. 

    For some people, if you try to date a girl and she turns you down, you must chase her. Failure to do this means you’re not masculine enough. Other people believe that if you don’t open the door for your wife, you’re not masculine enough. Honestly, there’s no set in stone definition and everyone can be masculine in their different ways. 

    Has anything threatened your definition of masculinity?

    Yes. One way I define my masculinity is that one man is meant for one woman. I believe that seeing other people outside of your partner is disrespectful. Many times I get pushback because there are quite a number of men who believe that men should date as many women as possible. Some even go as far as saying that it’s not possible for a man to date only one woman. When I try to reverse the script, they get angry and claim their partners are meant for them alone. It’s tedious getting these men to see their double standards. After a while, they always end up saying: “You sure say you be man? You should have just come to life as a woman.”

    I—

    Lol. It’s fine.

    Growing up, did you have role models?

    I wouldn’t say I had role models, but I had people who influenced me — my sisters. I remember spending a lot of time in my sisters’ room because that was where I felt I belonged. I liked the way they reacted to stuff, especially their emotional intelligence. I didn’t have male role models because I sensed that the men around me were different from me. 

    In what ways?

    Let’s just say we didn’t agree on some things.

    Interesting. What do you think is different about being a man in Nigeria?

    You’re not a Nigerian man if you don’t have more than two girlfriends and break women’s hearts. LMAO. 

    On a more serious note, I don’t think there’s one “single” thing. Whether male or female, we all have our good, bad and ugly sides.

    Fair enough. What do you think are some things necessary to live a happy life?

    Just be yourself. Live life on your own terms and not for anyone. No matter what you do, people will both love and hate you. Take the good and ignore the bad. In addition to hard work, God should also be a part of your journey because you can’t do it alone. It’s also important to have a source of income. Money is not everything, but it’ll pay your bills and that ensures that you’re not sad. 

    Preach sis.

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Israel Oni, a pharmacist and content creator based in Lagos. While working as a pharmacy intern in 2018, Israel lost his mum, who was an integral part of his childhood and adult years. He talks about navigating grief as a medical professional and then as an individual. Israel says that his mum’s death provided an avenue for him to bond with his dad who was busy with work for most of his life growing up. He talks about the struggles, setbacks, and eventual success with getting to slowly know his dad. Israel has some very deeply held beliefs about what it means to be a man, and he says his inspiration is Jesus Christ.

    Everyone gets their “Man Like” moment. When did you get yours?

    It was during my time at university. I was the assistant class rep, and this meant that people always came to me with one problem or the other: “Israel, I failed this course. What should I do?” “Israel, how do we register for this?” Some even brought personal problems, and with that, the pressure to try to help them make good decisions because they believed whatever I said. People confided in me so many times I started to wonder what they saw in me — I felt like a priest at confession.

    Omo.

    Then the second time…

    Wait, second time? 

    Ah. Yes. The second time was when I lost my mum in 2018. Her death hit me like a rock on the head because it was really hard to take in. Also, as the only medical person in my family, I couldn’t afford to fall hand. So while my friends, family and siblings were crying, I had to be strong for them and make arrangements. Sometime during the running around, it hit me that I no longer had a mum and I would have to take care of my old dad; check up on him, support him and spend time with him so he doesn’t get depressed. These newfound responsibilities reminded me of being a man. 

    What position are you in the family?

    Funny enough, I’m the last born, the baby of the house. I have a brother and a sister.

    Wait. Why was it up to you to do all of these things?

    It’s not like my siblings didn’t want to help. It’s like this: my sister is married and lives with her family. My older brother stays on his own. So it was just me, my dad and mum at home before I lost her. Now that one of us was no longer in the picture, I couldn’t abandon my dad like that. My siblings call and visit, but when the responsibility of physically staying came up, it fell naturally on me. I felt I had to be the one to do all of the running around for my dad. 

    I’m wondering: did you get time to properly grieve as a person? Not as a son or medical professional now.

    I lost my mum in 2018, and I went for NYSC outside Lagos at the end of that year. I hadn’t processed what happened because it felt like a dream during that period. But you see 2019? I cried every day from around February till June. Every night, I’d come back from work, lock my door, think about the incident surrounding my mum’s death and start to cry myself to sleep. I’d wake up and go to work the next day, come back and repeat. One time I forgot to lock my door and my neighbour saw me crying. She was so shocked, she didn’t know whether to beg me to stop crying or to join me. She just sat down with me until I got myself. Death is such a terrible experience. 

    I’m so sorry. 

    Have you been able to find joy after this experience?

    I find joy in seeing other people happy. Once they’re happy, I’m happy. Life is not as hard as many of us take it and so it’s the little things that matter to me. Even when I’m going through anything, I focus on the positive. I believe that if you keep focusing on the negatives you’ll never find a way out.  Perspective matters when you’re going through things

    Interesting. Do you have any fears? 

    I’m scared of poverty. If I’m poor, I can’t put smiles on people’s faces, and I want to help people. I try to be as hardworking as possible because, without money, you can’t help even yourself. 

    My brother. 

    I’m curious: what’s something everyone assumes you’re supposed to like but you don’t?

    During my time as assistant class rep, a large number of people who used to confide in me were women, and over time, a lot of these people have gone on to become my friends. 

    People looking in from the outside who see me surrounded by a lot of female friends assume I’m having affairs with them. Me that I’m scared of womanising because I can’t imagine playing with someone’s heart. I’ll now break it and carry curse. 

    Lmao. But that’s how Lagos men do now. Small curse.

    I dey fear oh, and I don’t like to toy with people’s emotions. If I’m not going to be serious with the person, there’s no point leading them on.

    I feel you. 

    It’s not good to break women’s hearts. They already go through a lot on a normal day, so why add more? Have you seen a woman having menstrual pain before? Or giving birth? It’s painful to add on top of that. Fear God. 

    My brother, it’s like both of us are the last two God-fearing Nigerian men left. 

    Lool.

    I was going to ask: what’s your relationship with your dad like now? Especially now that your mum isn’t around.

    It’s very different because my siblings and I grew up with my mum. My dad is a pastor so he was always on the move doing one thing or the other. It’s not like he abandoned his responsibilities as a father; he just didn’t have time to bond with his kids. My mum was the one keeping things together. 

    So when she was no longer around, it was difficult for me to try to shift the relationship I had with her to my dad. However, with time we settled into a routine. We’ve both accepted that whether we like it or not, we only have ourselves. I can say our relationship is better now because I can talk to my dad about a woman I like, and we’ll laugh and he’ll advise me. This didn’t exist before.

    My dad is a great person. He just didn’t have time when we were growing up.

    I hate the dry season because it makes tears come out of my eyes.

    Lmao.

    Do you think your upbringing will affect how you raise your kids?

    Definitely. From my relationship with my parents, I learnt the benefits of bonding early with your children and some of the challenges that come with not bonding on time. I like to think I’m properly armed with the dos and don’ts that’ll make my kids my best friends. Top of my list is quality time with their parents, and so help me God, I’ll provide it. 

    Amen! What would you say is different about being a man in Nigeria?

    We’ve made it look like it’s the sole responsibility of a man to provide everything. And once he can’t provide, his masculinity is in question. The worst thing you can do to a Nigerian man is say they’re not man enough. E dey pain o. To be regarded as “men”, they work their asses out and fail to do other things like bond with their family. When they get old, they see all their effort has been for nothing because the kids don’t check up on them and everybody is on their own. Then they get lonely. Some go into depression while others develop disease conditions because they didn’t pay attention to their health while slaving away. I think that being a man is much more than providing, and there must be a balance. Men should know that there are a lot of ways to show impact as a man. 

    Why exactly did you get married if you know it’s only you that’ll handle all the responsibilities? Your wife is supposed to be your partner, so it’s supposed to be teamwork. You’re supposed to do this life thing together and make it easy for each other so you can enjoy each other until the last day. Men fail to understand that providing is important, spending time with kids is also important, but striking a balance is “importantest.”

    Preach.

    How do you define your masculinity?

    A man should always stand up for the things he believes in. He should try as much as possible to not allow society define him because it’s easy to fall into a stereotype. Men should know and go for what they want. Men should respect and welcome the opinion of other people because they can’t do life alone. Men shouldn’t say because they are men their word is final — you learn more from listening to others. Another important thing is that a man shouldn’t be ashamed to seek help when he needs it. 

    I can’t but wonder who your role models are. 

    Jesus Christ is my role model of what it means to be a man. I liked the life he lived because he listened and was slow to respond. In the book of John, when people were feeling very religious, Jesus would ask them questions and let them answer. By the time they realised what was happening, he’d give them  a savage reply. Remember when Jesus asked, “If there’s anyone among you without sin, let him be the first to cast a stone.”   He makes me want to do better, and although I’m not perfect, I try to live up to his teachings.

    Wow.

    I also see some of my friends as role models, so I wouldn’t say I have a particular person.  I look at different people and emulate one or two things from their lifestyle so I can be better. As long as they have traits I admire in them, I see everyone I meet as a potential role model. 

    You mentioned being raised by your mum, and I’m sure she started you on this journey. I couldn’t help but wonder about the last memory of your mum you have.

    It’ll be the time when she told me, “Israel, do fast and bring wife oh. Let me carry my grandchildren while I still have strength.” It’s almost like she saw the future because she said this just a few months before she passed. 

    Damn. I’m so sorry. 

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

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  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Desmond, a renowned writer. He talks about not fitting into the masculine stereotype, being raised by women, and how his anxiety about money pushes him. 

    When did you get that you’re a man now vibe? 

    I feel like I’ve always been aware that I was different. Growing up as an only child with my mum, I was always aware that my actions affected other people. This meant that I grew up as a super good kid who never got into trouble or had a fight. 

    One time, someone put my name in the list of noisemakers and somehow my mum got involved.  She had them remove my name from the list because to her, “it’s very unlike Desmond.”

    Teachers would enter to flog the whole class and not touch me. They’d always be like: “It’s Desmond. He doesn’t make noise.” I wasn’t well behaved because it was my nature but because I felt that “life is trash but my mum is looking up to me and I have the responsibility to be all of these things [responsible] to her and my family.” I wasn’t like the other children who could play, have fun and be destructive the way kids usually are. I’ve always made decisions knowing if I fucked up, other people’s lives would be fucked up. 

    Mahn…

    It’s fine. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided to live life for myself on my own terms. I need to have fuck ups and make my own mistakes. I’m constantly telling myself: live your life and have fun.

    Give me an instance you chose yourself first.

    My mum called me the other day to ask for a huge favour, and it involved money. I knew getting the money would inconvenience me so I declined. 

    At the end of the day, everyone will be fine. 

    Energy.

    Boundaries are important and that’s something therapy is helping me work on. My therapist told me that I have zero boundaries because I’m always giving and giving.   

    I have situations where I know I’m inconveniencing myself financially and mentally, yet, I still send money home. I don’t tell my friends and therapist about it. In my head I’m like, I shouldn’t be doing this because I’m falling back into old patterns — but also like, no one will know. I’m aware that change is not a straight path. As long as you keep trying, you’ll get to your destination.  It’s just that every now and then, we fuck up. 

    Lmao. That’s my mantra for 2021.

    You said something about your dad not being in the picture. Which men did you look up to growing up?

    Almost every single one of the people I looked up to growing up were women. In particular, Black African women. My mum has six sisters, and all of them had a hand in raising me. It has always been women who took a special interest in my life. With men, my interaction usually involves them telling me to “Man Up.” And because I don’t care about the “regular” man stuff, I don’t have much in common with men. Because of the type of masculinity I saw growing up and how genuinely problematic it was, I believed that every man was a cheater. I had terrible models of men growing up. 

    Career-wise, most of the people I look up to are black women — from Beyonce to my mum. Women taught me how to be a man — they made me see all the ways men fuck up, therefore, things I should not do as “a man.”

    Profound. 

    I’ve had to leave behind the definition of a man because I don’t entirely fit the description.

    How would you define your masculinity?

    I don’t. Because it’s hard. 

    It feels like you must have had a hard time fitting in with kids in school…

    I had an unbelievably hard life in school. One of the worst experiences I had was when I was in uni for the first time and a lecturer was dividing the class for a debate. The lecturer split the guys and the girls into different corners. As I was going to the guys corner, the guys were like, I shouldn’t come to their side — I should go to the girl’s side because I’m a girl. Incidents like this make it hard for me to define masculinity or what being a man is. The funniest part of that incident was that the girls were open to allowing me to stay with them. My masculinity as a whole revolves around being rejected by men but accepted by women. 

    I’m so sorry. How did the incident make you feel?

    At the time, I felt stupid as fuck. I was standing in the middle of the class, all the attention on me. It’s more annoying because it’s not an isolated incident. Similar stuff like this happened in secondary school and it was repeating itself in uni. I can’t even say it’s a locality thing because my secondary school wasn’t even in Nigeria.

    Sigh. Is this not frustrating?

    It’s extremely frustrating because I’m always on my own, and I have people going out of their way to be mean to me because I don’t fit their idea of what a man is supposed to look like or act like. 

    Ugh.

    I’ve been in a cab where the driver was asking why my ears were pierced or why I had my nails painted. More often than not, women are open to how I am. But men will always want to ask you why? Almost like how dare you not be like them?

    Has there ever been violence?

    I’m lucky that it always ended with dialogue. Because I don’t want to push my luck, the moment someone starts to be passionate about my appearance, I start to move away. I’m a very peaceful person, and I try not to fight people. At least not by myself.

    Call me!

    I’m from PH, I’m covered.

    Ded. 

    I’m curious, what makes you happy as a person?

    Credit alerts.

    I stan a focused king. 

    It’s not even banter. Money gives you a certain level of protection. As a queer person in Nigeria, money gives you a level of independence. The major reason why it’s easy for me to be out is because I make my own money. I don’t have my family dictating my life or anything for me. I know it’s the money I’ve made that gives me that level of independence. Any time I get a new credit alert, I get reminded that I can renew my protection. 

    Another thing that gives me joy is the fact that I’ve been able to build a small community that distracts me from how incredibly violent Nigeria can get.  

    I love it.

    Does anything scare you?

    I’m a very anxious person, and my anxiety makes me work extremely hard. I get anxious because I know that protection with money is limited. This realisation makes me push myself harder. It also makes it difficult for me to say no when I get an opportunity that’ll give me more money. My biggest fear is allowing anxiety overwhelm me and dictate my my life. 

    I’m also anxious about losing a loved one. Death is one thing that no matter how smart you are, no money, social capital, or connection can help you figure because it has happened. My mum raised me with the motto: “Anything wey happen, e get how we go do am.” What’s the solution to death?

    …

    I’m now also worried about dying and realising there’s an afterlife.

    Bro. Me too. 

    It’s not even discovering hell or anything. I don’t want an afterlife. I want to die and just die. If God comes now and says choose between dying and nothing, I’ll choose nothing. I just want to die and sleep forever. It have do. I’ve suffered enough.

    We’re all living the same lives. 

    I’m curious: what’s your relationship like with your mum these days?

    My mum and I used to be really close growing up. However, at the point I came out to my mum, she was religious. Everything went downhill from there. She reacted violently to the news that her only son was not straight. Now, she has not warmed up to the idea, but she’s better. She still tries to get me a girlfriend though. I guess this is her own way of trying to make me a “regular Nigerian man.”

    I’m sorry. I can’t help but wonder who you go to for advice…

    I look within. Have you ever listened to Whitney Houston’s song The Greatest Love Of All?  There’s a part that goes: “I never found anyone who fulfill my needs, A lonely place to be, And so I learned to depend on me.”  That’s how I navigate life. 

    There are not many people at the intersection I live in, so it’s hard to find people to talk to. I try to learn little bits from different people. When that doesn’t work, I take a leaf from people who have been in similar situations. And for me it’s very important that those people are as close to my identity as possible. I can’t possibly be taking advice from a heterosexual white man; we don’t have the same reality. 

    You don’t oh.

    How much of your identity has been defined by your career?

    My career defined me because most of what I write are things that I care about. So work is an extension of myself and my passion. It also helps that I’m not poor in the process of pursuing my passion.

    Lmao. 

    Before I go, I want to ask what you think are the necessary ingredients to living a happy life.

    Money. Followed by a lot of therapy, which is also tied to money. You need the right people around you, and therapy allows you to be the right person for the right people.

    You also need to be doing good work, work that you’re proud to show off. Then you need love. We all need love. Lastly, and most importantly, you need to be as far away from Nigeria as possible.

    LMAO.

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    [donation]

  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    As 2020 comes to an end, we’ve gathered absolute must-read stories from the “Man-Like” series. The stories cut across money struggles, old age, to toxic masculinity.

    Dive in:

    1) Man Like…Fu’ad Lawal

    The subject for today is Fu’ad Lawal, head of content at Big Cabal. His definition of being a man revolves around duty, loss, and being a baby boy beyond what a tough exterior might suggest.

    I really like this one because you can tell how hard it took for Fu’ad to be vulnerable.

    Man Like...Fu'ad Lawal | Zikoko!

    Read here.

    2) Can Men Really Be Stay At Home Dads? – Man Like Pelumi

    The subject of today is Pelumi, a pharmacist and a tutor. He talks about his great relationship with his dad, how his strained relationship with his mum affects his romantic relationship and why men can’t really choose to be stay at home dads. 

    I also really like this one because it shakes some tables. What do you think?

    Can Men Really Be Stay At Home Dads? - Man Like Pelumi | Zikoko!

    Read here.

    3) Toxic Masculinity Is The Worst Thing That Can Happen To The Boy Child – Man Like Victor

    The subject for today is Victor, and he’s the managing editor of TechCabal. He talks about the struggles of growing up effeminate, the challenges of toxic masculinity and what it means to be human.

    This one works for me because it’s so honest, so human, so relatable.

    Toxic Masculinity Is The Worst Thing That Can Happen To The Boy Child - Man Like Victor | Zikoko!

    Read here.

    4) “I’m Not Scared Of Death, But Old Age Terrifies Me” — Man Like William

    The subject for today’s “Man Like” is William. He’s a husband, father and entrepreneur. He talks about being scared of old age, the benefits of contentment and why a supportive partner is everything.

    This still remains the oldest subject in the “Man Like” series. It was such a wholesome story for me because it touches on a fear I have – getting old.

    Header Man Like 1024x512 (3) (2) | Zikoko!

    Read here.

    5) “Therapy Is Helping With My Anxiety About Money” – Man Like Dwin The Stoic

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Edwin, popularly known as Dwin The Stoic. He talks about quitting his 9-5 to pursue music, his anxieties about money, and how he navigates the expectations of masculinity.

    Money is at the center of our lives and it was refreshing hearing someone speak so openly about their struggle.

    Therapy Is Helping With My Anxiety About Money” - Man Like Dwin The Stoic | Zikoko!

    Read here.

    6) Demanding Better Is Not Strange To Me And My Family — Man Like Eromz

    The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Eromz. He talks about being abducted for speaking up during the #EndSars protests, his plans moving forward after his release, and how his family supports all his decisions.

    When someone speaks up against the Nigerian government, you had better drop everything and pay attention!

    Demanding Better Is Not Strange To Me And My Family — Man Like Eromz | Zikoko!

    Read here.

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