I went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever last week, and I can’t tell if I liked the movie or not because I was too busy hating everyone around me for being the absolute worst. Then I went on Twitter and saw that other people experienced the same thing. Because look at this tweet.
I met at least two of these kinds of people last week, but if you hang around a Nigerian cinema long enough, you’ll meet them all.
The blockbuster you’ve been anticipating is out
Let’s fucking goooooooooooo!
And you have some loose change
Sapa is outside, but you find small ₦5k in the back pocket of the trousers you haven’t won since you were four 😉.
So you decide to go and see the movie on its premiere day
Let them know you’re a real fan.
But once you see the crowd, you know you won’t have a great time
Wahala. Wahala o.
If it’s a Nigerian cinema, these are the people you’ll meet
Let me prepare your mind.
People with children
I once sat between two people with children in a cinema hall. I left before the movie finished. The child on the left wouldn’t stop crying and the one on the right wouldn’t stop asking the silliest questions. It wasn’t even a children’s movie. And this is a normal thing in Nigerian cinemas. Why? Leave your kids at home!
People making out
Just look out of the corner of your eye in a Nigerian cinema, and I promise you’ll see two teenagers kissing and touching each other. In a room full of people o. We should actually start flogging these people when we catch them.
These are my personal least favourite people to share a cinema hall with. They’ll make one joke that makes three people chuckle and take it as a sign that their comedian career is off to a great start. They’ll then proceed to make terrible jokes throughout the movie even though nobody is laughing.
When I went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever last week, a group of about 15 boys were loudly making jokes every five minutes. Someone told them to keep quiet, and the entire group insulted them, which turned into loud fire-for-fire insults. The movie was still playing.
I know you’re trying to get to your seat, but does that mean you should blind me? Ehn?
Have you been in a cinema hall with a Yoruba uncle? His phone will ring loudly while he’s struggling to bring it out of his pocket, and when he eventually gets it out, he’ll pick and have the entire call at his loudest voice — “Can you hear me?!”
People who keep standing up to go out
People need to control their bladders better. I said what I said.
People who came to eat
Let me not lie. Me, I want to be one of these people. I’m just jealous I didn’t have money to buy shawarma.