Let’s throw it back to the good ol’ days for a bit: WWE in the noughties was the pinnacle of wrestling. It had everything — from scantily-clad colourful characters to obviously scripted nail-biting action. These guys had our childhoods in a chokehold, and it was impossible not to find a wrestler that you could identify with.
Here’s what your favourite WWE character says about your childhood:
You were the quiet and mysterious child from middle-class parents who came to school and looked like they had a bright future as a doctor. A lone ranger efiko who always ended up in the class’ top three at the end of every term, all your classmates secretly hated you because you didn’t join any cliques. These days, you probably have a job as a civil engineer at a construction company. Your former classmates look at your Facebook page from time to time and go, “A civil engineer? WTF?!”
You were the child who knew what they wanted and would do anything to get it, including literally throwing your classmates under the bus. You eventually became a school big boy because you joined the right cliques and not for academic excellence. You topped all this off by becoming a bully in your senior year, which you parlayed into your current job: a General manager at a big company, who moonlights as a political godfather.
You wanted to be cool so bad but you were a wimp who got picked last for everything. That all changed when you got to SS1 and got hit in the face by some piping hot puberty. Suddenly, all the girls/boys wanted to date you. You never let your newfound fame get to your head, though, remaining the loveable softie you’d always been. These days, you’re most likely a media person or a party planner. You love the limelight but you’re not consumed by it. Never change.
All your classmates were scared of you because you liked horror films, wore black, and wrote a creepy diary. The air of mystery around you piqued the interest of all the girls/boys, but they all got over it when they found out your entire persona was an act. These days, you listen to heavy metal and write dark poetry on Facebook. No one takes you seriously.
You were the arrogant brat who pretended his parents were rich so people would like you. Your name also used to appear at the top of the Noise Makers list every time with (3x) next to it. You’re now a front-end engineer who doubles as a Yoruba Demon.
You were the straight A student who everybody loved. You always played by the rules and your parents were at the front row cheering you on during every prize-giving ceremoney. These days, you’re most likely a successful doctor who has japa’d and radiates good vibes on social media by encouraging people to take better care of themselves but not in a condescending way.
You were the weirdly tall, chubby child who was often misunderstood. People warmed up to you in secondary school and started calling you “Gentle Giant” and “Biggie” because they realized that even though you looked intimidating, you were actually accommodating. You’re now a plant parent who posts pictures of their cats and maintains a rusty Instagram aesthetic.
Matt and Jeff Hardy
If you liked these guys, you’re bad vibes. Seriously.
You were the charismatic ring leader of every bad gang. Teachers couldn’t punish you sha because you were so damn charming. Your luck ran out when you led boys to jump fence to go and watch football and you were expelled from the hostel. But even as a day student, you still ran things in the boarding house. Now, you’re a Burna Boy fan and a crypto bro, which is the worst combination of things anybody can be.
You were the easy-going child always radiating love and light. But bullies liked to pick on you. One day sha, you finally stood up for yourself and everyone grew to respect you. These days, you’re a LinkedIn influencer who writes motivational stuff on how people should chase their dreams. You’re a sucker for underdog stories and always root for the small guy. Your heart is soft, which unfortunately means that you’ve eaten a shit load of breakfast from Igbo women. I hope you find someone who will give you the peace of mind you deserve.
The intimidating kid who could be friendly when you got close to them. You still keep to yourself and get shit done. These days, you’re most likely an executive at a high-growth startup who is also an activist and who everybody respects and looks up to on Twitter. You’re also probably a Ronaldo fan.
You were the child who started working out before it became a fad. You were also smart and dependable, letting people copy you during exams. You grew up, got into tech, and became obsessed with money. Now, nobody can talk to you on Twitter if they don’t earn in dollars.
Wow. This means that you were awful as a child, and you probably still are. Get help.