Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled “The Danger Of Fornication And It Consequences”.
The author (whoever that is, the book doesn’t say) starts the book with a definition of fornication, defining it as “a sexual relationship that exists between an unmarried man and woman.” Accompanying this shaky definition is a stock image that made me spit water all over my laptop in a failed attempt to not laugh.
A classic case of a guy bragging about his ‘skills’ pre-coitus – raising the girl’s hopes – and then only lasting 40 seconds during the actual deed.
The book personifies Fornication and describes it as a slave master that ensures the bondage of anyone who engages it. It also warns anyone who encounters Fornication to run (as opposed to staying to fight) because Fornication is a bad bitch who wins all her fights.
At this point, I paused to imagine Fornication in human form as a bad bitch. What I imagined, looked something like this:
I also imagined her holding a bullwhip instead of a gun, but that’s a personal preference I’d rather not talk about.
What follows this is my favourite chapter in the whole book. A chapter titled:
This chapter claims to reveal the foundational root and cause of sexual immorality in humans. It starts with men.
Before I had time to question why the author made the elephant/lizard connection, they go on to list two muscles…
…and I legit fell off my chair like…
…because girl, what the hell? Lmao.
The author goes on to explain that these two muscles are greater than all other organs and have disgraced many men and paralysed the destinies of countless others throughout history.
He then explains the root of sexual immorality in women.
Girl I –
There will never be a grosser nickname for vagina than “Hole Muscle”.
This chapter also says that every woman has a tiny guardian angel who acts as a gateman to her womb. And that terrible things will befall any woman who gets rid of her guardian angel gateman and uses her vagina anyhow.
The next chapter starts with a personal story from the author. He says that he once attended a program at a church headed by a friend of his. That friend showed him a really tall uncompleted building and revealed that a girl died there a few months prior. How the woman died, however, is the stuff after school specials are made off.
Apparently, the girl had been chatting with a guy on Facebook (where else?) for a while. They eventually made plans to meet, the man insisting that they meet at the top of the super tall uncompleted building. The book says that the girl – not being suspicious at all about the rendezvous point – went to meet the guy dressed in sinful and ungodly clothes.
Here’s the story’s conclusion:
I feel like he implied that sexting was what killed her but you know what?
Here’s what the next chapter had to say about pornography and the people who watch it.
The author takes his time to explain that fornication opens you up to diseases (both physical and spiritual). According to him, fornication leads to demon transfer i.e (and this is his example btw) if a man or woman possesses 2000 demons within and you bump genitals with them, you automatically get half of those demons transferred to you.
I’ve seen The Exorcist for God’s sake.
The last chapter, titled: Sexual Boundaries, talks about how sexual immorality is spreading so fast, even children are doing it. The author complains that staying sexually pure in this age of free porn is a Herculean task. He goes on to say that the number one reason people fall into sexual temptation is that they get too comfortable around the opposite sex believing that they have control over their urges, while in reality, control is A LIE.
This is the author’s idea of how two members of the opposite sex should interact so as to avoid getting the urge to bump squishy parts:
What base is this?!
The book ends with these warnings:
Is it ever that deep?
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.