Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “HOW TO IDENTIFY FAKE CHURCHES”
The book starts with the author telling the reader to be cautious and spiritually sensitive in whatever church they’re in now because the evil ones constantly train and deploy pastors to different churches meant to intentionally lead people astray. He also says that ignorance is no excuse before God so, in the event that you are led astray by one of these decoy pastors, you’re going to hell.
When I got to this part, I was like:
Because it sounded like the author was about spill tea and throw shade of biblical proportions. I pursed my lips, crossed my legs, and prepared myself for the chaos I believed was coming.
- It Doesn’t Matter International Church
- Come As You Are International Ministries.
- We Are No Longer Under The Law Christian Church.
- Judge Not Mission Church.
- Dress As You Like International Gospel Mission.
- Ones Saves Is Forever Saved Mission.
- Merciful God Don’t Sent Anyone To Hell International Ministries.
- God Only Looks At The Heart Chapel.
- Liquid Fire And Miracle Center Ministries.
- Prosperity Without Effort Gospel Mission.
This list left me like:
This author thinks he has jokes, huh?
He follows up the list up with this:
It means your church is officially being led by a demon-trained pastor and you need to do something about it or kiss your chance at heaven goodbye. The book doesn’t say what exactly you’re supposed to do but I assume it’ll involve a pentagram, a ring of salt, and a DVD of the first season of “Supernatural”.
The author further explains how these decoy pastors function:
The author ends the book with 12 things to watch out for when identifying fake churches:
Even those ones that have pictures of cute animals with bible verses that have nothing to do with the picture itself.
If your church has ever thrown a thanksgiving or bazar party, you’re screwed.
So only Mountain of Fire and Deeper Life members are safe? Damn. Also, if you’re wondering why they this author thinks makeup and weaves are from hell, read this:
Why would an evil pastor have such a room on the church premises? Why not just have it someplace where prying eyes will never see it?
There is NO WAY this particular “clue” isn’t steeped in misogyny. No fucking way.
Enough said about this.
Same thing as the previous point.
This is clearly shade thrown at Catholicism.
Well, any fan of Mount Zion movies already knows this.
They’ve made this point twice already.
Wow. So pastors can’t even like bling?
I knew it!
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.