How To Identify Fake Churches, According To This Insane Book

August 14, 2020

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “HOW TO IDENTIFY FAKE CHURCHES”

The book starts with the author telling the reader to be cautious and spiritually sensitive in whatever church they’re in now because the evil ones constantly train and deploy pastors to different churches meant to intentionally lead people astray. He also says that ignorance is no excuse before God so, in the event that you are led astray by one of these decoy pastors, you’re going to hell.

When I got to this part, I was like:

Because it sounded like the author was about spill tea and throw shade of biblical proportions. I pursed my lips, crossed my legs, and prepared myself for the chaos I believed was coming.

  • It Doesn’t Matter International Church
  • Come As You Are International Ministries.
  • We Are No Longer Under The Law Christian Church.
  • Judge Not Mission Church.
  • Dress As You Like International Gospel Mission.
  • Ones Saves Is Forever Saved Mission.
  • Merciful God Don’t Sent Anyone To Hell International Ministries.
  • God Only Looks At The Heart Chapel.
  • Liquid Fire And Miracle Center Ministries.
  • Prosperity Without Effort Gospel Mission.

This list left me like:

This author thinks he has jokes, huh?

He follows up the list up with this:

It means your church is officially being led by a demon-trained pastor and you need to do something about it or kiss your chance at heaven goodbye. The book doesn’t say what exactly you’re supposed to do but I assume it’ll involve a pentagram, a ring of salt, and a DVD of the first season of “Supernatural”.

The author further explains how these decoy pastors function:

The author ends the book with 12 things to watch out for when identifying fake churches:

Even those ones that have pictures of cute animals with bible verses that have nothing to do with the picture itself.

If your church has ever thrown a thanksgiving or bazar party, you’re screwed.

So only Mountain of Fire and Deeper Life members are safe? Damn. Also, if you’re wondering why they this author thinks makeup and weaves are from hell, read this:

RECOMMENDED: The Spiritual Origin Of (And Covenant Behind) Wigs & Weaves

Why would an evil pastor have such a room on the church premises? Why not just have it someplace where prying eyes will never see it?

There is NO WAY this particular “clue” isn’t steeped in misogyny. No fucking way.

Enough said about this.

Same thing as the previous point.

This is clearly shade thrown at Catholicism.

Well, any fan of Mount Zion movies already knows this.

They’ve made this point twice already.

Wow. So pastors can’t even like bling?

I knew it!


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


You'll like this

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

September 28, 2020

Remember (Senator) Elisha Abbo? The same person that physically assaulted a young woman in a sex toy shop n May 2019? Well, a court has just granted judgement that 50 million naira be paid to the assaulted woman, Warmate Osimibibra. In Suit No FHC:CV/2393/19 Osimibabra Warmate v. Senator Elisha Abbo, the Court awarded 50 million […]

September 28, 2020

Dating a Yoruba man is something most people do to build character. Some consider this extreme sport as a cry for help and a means of inflicting self-harm. From the Tundes to the Femis, Yoruba men will leave you wishing you chose a life of celibacy. Today, I spoke to a 25-year-old lady who has been in 6 awful relationships, dated only Yoruba men and considers them her Kryptonite.

September 28, 2020

There’s every other normal person in life, and there are tech bros. Such is the difference between our species. Nonetheless, it’s not hard to pick out a tech bro from the crowd if you know what to look out for. 1. Turtleneck. Every tech bro has at least 3 different shades of black turtlenecks. It’s […]

September 28, 2020

Yesterday, we wrote on how the NLC and its 4 million members would go on strike if they did not reach an agreement with the federal government.  Well, the NLC has suspended its strike for two weeks, meaning some agreements were made for the meantime. This is everything the newspapers are not telling you they […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X