Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re six months into 2021 and I have no idea where the time went or what exactly I spent it doing. Friends and family say I’ve been walking around and functioning so my guess is that I dissociated one time just to see how it felt, enjoyed it, and then made it my default, leading to me being on autopilot the entire time.
10/10. Would definitely recommend. Unless you enjoy raw-dogging life, in which case, you can keep experiencing reality as it is or whatever.
Anyway, I’m here today to put together a list of the 5 most-read entries in the SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO series. Because I worked hard on them (family and friends told me this) and would very much like you to read them again. Or you could just share them with other people you think would enjoy this. That also works. Because if you don’t share:
1) I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Highway To The Grave,” So You Don’t Have To
What do you get when you throw self-proclaimed witch hunter; Helen Ukpabio, prolific director; Teco Benson, and goddess of beauty; Regina Askia into an idea pot? You get “Highway To The Grave,” a movie about a beautiful witch who goes about destroying the lives of men unlucky enough to eat her snail. I’ll never know why the honorary Winchester sister, Helen Ukpabio, decided that the world needed this movie (when there are dozens of others like it), but her decision gave us another chance to gaze upon Regina Askia’s beauty so I can’t complain.
Click here to read my recap of “Highway to the Grave”.
2) I Watched The Music Video For P-Square’s “Senorita” So You Don’t Have To
To quote the iconic Saturday Night Live character, Stefon, the 5 minute and 28-second music video for “Senorita” has everything:
- A love triangle.
- Insane early 2000s fashion.
- A dance break in the middle of the street.
- A weird celebrity cameo you won’t see coming.
- A grass to grace story with details shrouded in mystery.
- A beautiful, gold-digging young woman named Vivian.
- A poorly-filmed accident scene that’ll have you screaming, “How the fuck did that happen?!”
Click here to read my recap of “Senorita.”
3) I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “White Hunters,” So You Don’t Have To
Contrary to what the name will have you believe, White Hunters is not about women hunting white men for sport in a Hunger Games-style arena. It’s a Nollywood franchise consisting of FOUR MOVIES about a group of women who have decided to exclusively date white men as a way to lift themselves out of poverty and elevate their status in society. The movies chronicles all the insane things these women do just to bag rich white niggas.
Click here to read my recap of “White Hunters.”
4) I Watched The Music Video For Daddy Showkey’s “Dyna” So You Don’t Have To
The plot is straightforward and cliché. It’s about a woman stripperly named Dyna and chronicles all the shit she puts up with trying to get pregnant. The unintentional comedy here comes from the way the events play out in the music video.
Click here to read my recap of “Dyna.”
5) I Watched The Christian Movie, “War Room” So You Don’t Have To
My heart swelled with anger as I watched ‘War Room’ for the first time back in 2016. Not just because I’d been catfished by the title — I assumed it was about a family trapped in a war-torn country but it’s really about a woman convinced by Christianity that her husband’s shortcomings are kinda her fault — but because it was problematic as hell and just plain bad. I had forgotten all about it until that whole Derrick Jaxn cheating scandal happened.
Click here to read my recap of “War Room.”
