Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the book titled, “15 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Fornicate.”
The book’s super short opening reads like the author had just encountered his close friends fornicating even though he’d warned them many times about the dangers of it. So he went home and made the decision to write this book.
And you know what? I dig it. Getting straight to the meat of the matter is good.
God does instruct people at some point in the bible to not bump genitals with people they’re not married to. So fair point.
This is where it starts to get good. The author says that fornication affects the soul spiritually but doesn’t explain how. He just says that it’ll cause the fornicator to backslide, and this made me imagine a fornicator doing the moonwalk into hell. He also shades people who go straight from fornication sites (significant other’s house, clubs etc) to church. This reminded me of Shaggy’s “Church Heathen” so I took a break to listen to that.
The explanation here is that when one commits a crime, they’re arrested by the state and punished. So because the bible refers fornication as a sin against the body, God will punish you if you sin against it because the human body is the temple of the Lord.
He says something here about how sex is binding between two people and that the blood shed when a girl’s hymen breaks seals an agreement of some kind. This made me wonder what the rules are when the two people having sex are men.
The author says that fornication turns the bodies of the people who engage in it into meat suit hotels where demons will check in and never leave.
He refers to STDs here and proceeds to list out 10 names of well-known STDs. He then adds that waiting till marriage can save you from STDs and I had to pause here to laugh.
He uses this point to fuel HIV hysteria by calling it a death sentence. He then goes on a strange rant in which he shames the owners of a church he once heard of for having a high percentage of members with HIV.
It’s the way he presents this point that kills me. He talks about a man he once heard of who was in Form 6 while his son was in Form 1. The timeline in this story makes no sense but I’m not going to talk about it more because I’m tired.
He says that pregnancies resulting from fornication always end in abortions (he calls it murder).
I shit you not, the author says that instruments similar to knives and forks are used during abortions to wreck the womb and that leads to the fallopian tubes being tied.
I’m not even touching that one.
This contradicts his previous claim. But whatever I guess.
According to this nigga, every child born of fornication ends up being a menace to society.
Fornication brings slut-shaming.
The hurts and wounds resulting from slut-shaming.
He says fornication is the straw that breaks the camel’s back in unhappy marriages. And I feel like if the marriage was already unhappy, the fornication would’ve done them a favour.