All The Things That Happen When You Die (According To Nollywood)

March 6, 2019

Nollywood’s depictions of a lot of things are usually straight up bizarre and unintentionally thigh-slappingly hilarious, but the thing that takes the cake is their depiction of the afterlife.

 

Here’s how things usually go when someone dies in Nollywood:

 

 

1. Your soul will literally leave your body.

As opposed to just appearing in the afterlife, Nollywood standards imply that recently deceased souls have to walk there. The lesson, of course, being that exercise is important, even when you don’t have a physical body.

2. In some cases (Mount Zion movies), you’ll be given a tour of hell and heaven respectively by an elderly angel dressed in a poorly-tailored white suit and then sent back to Earth because it’s “not your time.”

It’s amazing how terrible the angel of death in the Mount Zion Cinematic Universe™ is at their job of picking who dies.

3. If it indeed was your time to die and you were a terrible person when you were alive, you’ll be insulted for at least 20 minutes by the elderly angel after the tour and then sent straight to hell.

Angels in the MZCU™ don’t play.

4. In a normal Nollywood movie, you’ll be given the tea on who killed you and why.

Why “killed?” Because nobody ever dies of natural causes in Nollywood. When someone dies, it’s because they were poisoned by a close friend or family member.

5. You will presented with a choice to either move on or return to Earth as an angry ghost so you can haunt the person who killed you.

This has to be how it happens because why else do they all end up choosing this?

6. If you choose to become an angry ghost, your clothes will be taken from you and you will be given a flowing white gown.

I…I don’t even…what is happening in this picture??

7. Also, you’ll be covered in a shit ton of white powder and have cotton wool shoved up your nostrils.

Because being a dead person popping up in the world of the living is not scary enough, you also have to look like you have leprosy.

8. You will then proceed to torment the person responsible for your early demise by appearing to them from time to time and messing with their light bulbs.

You’ll remember that this was Liz Benson’s character’s M.O in Nollywood blockbuster, Diamond Ring. You know why? Because there’s nothing scarier (more annoying) than flickering lights.

9. This “torment” will continue until the person, frustrated by your disappearing acts and electricity tampering, confesses what they did in a public place filled with many people.

Then they either run mad and/or die.

10. Having found peace due to your murderer’s death (preferably by suicide), you will then go to heaven.

Regardless of the fact that you just exacted delicious revenge and God explicitly instructed that we leave that to him.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

zikoko - #IfIwereBiggie
August 18, 2020

So the official Big Brother Naija page asked fans and followers what they would do if they had big brother’s powers and they all came through with sermons of war and fight. It’s a good thing they are not big brother because there’s so much violence in these suggestions. Nobody is interested in sharing love […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

December 6, 2022

The Nigerian Voter is a series that seeks to understand the motivations that drive the voting decisions of Nigerians — why they vote, how they choose their candidates, why some have never voted, and their wildest stories around elections. This week’s subject of The Nigerian Voter is Umar, a tech freelancer in his early twenties […]

December 6, 2022

The Socio-Economic Rights and Accountability Project (SERAP) has a track record of suing Buhari every three market days. The organisation has dragged the president to court over the embezzlement of ₦1.4 trillion meant for oil refineries, and for his failure to publish the repatriation details of Abacha’s $23 million loot, amongst others. The list of […]

Recommended Quizzes

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

October 30, 2019

Kemi Adetiba’s King of Boys movie got a lot of things right, especially casting, so yes, it was a monster hit. Now, we know you may not have put much thought to this, but the personalities of some of the characters closely match yours, and we would like to help you find the perfect match. […]

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

More from Pop

December 5, 2022

It’s hard to talk about 2012 (the year the world was supposed to end) without discussing the dissolution of one of Nigeria’s most impactful creative marriages: Don Jazzy and D’banj’s Mo’Hits Records.  Seven years after breaking onto the music scene with D’banj’s Tongolo, Mo’Hits Records had become a household name, gotten recognition from international heavyweights […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X