7 Super Specific Things That Are In Every Telemundo Series

August 5, 2020

1) A female lead character:

She’s a pretty, brunette-haired woman who’s either fierce, strong, and independent or a naïve damsel in distress. There is no in-between. If she’s strong and independent, chances are she’s an orphan whose family died in some tragic accident before the show. If she’s naïve, her parents are alive but poor as shit.

2) A male lead character:

He’s billed as a lead but he’s really just there to be the love interest of the real lead, the woman. He’s good looking and has abs that you can use to grate okra. He’s either a poor and lowly farmhand or a super obnoxious trust fund baby boy who’s just self-aware enough to want to change after the female lead insults him for being a discount Tony Stark.

3) An ageing patriarch who will soon die of an undisclosed illness (portrayed as a super-wheezing cough) and leave his wealth behind for his family members.

You would think that someone like this would be smart enough to leave a will behind, and you’d be right. But his will be so fucking vague that it’ll throw his family into disarray as they (occasionally physically) fight each other for his property.

4) A Hacienda (Usually a coffee field):

This is just one of the many properties up for grabs after the ageing patriarch dies but for reasons never revealed, everyone will want it. So most of the show’s scenes will take place there.

5) The show’s main villain:

It’s always the much younger second wife of the ageing patriarch who may or may not have sped up his death by lacing his food with tiny amounts of anti-freeze not enough to show up in scans so his organs slowly shut down. She’ll spend most of the show plotting against the male and female leads. Her rain of terror will end when she’s blown to bits by a bomb she meant to set under the female lead’s pillow but mistakenly detonated. Either that or she’ll get thrown off a rooftop by the male lead while the rest of the cast cheers.

6) An incredibly stunning, mildly-evil sibling of either the male or female leads.

They are mildly-evil because they only exist to shake up the show’s storyline when the main villain is in-between evil schemes. And they’re always super attractive so your mind can trick you into accepting them when they eventually have a change of heart two episodes before the series finale.

7) A shit ton of tragedy:

Have the female lead character have her baby stolen immediately after giving birth and then have her have a mental breakdown which will lead to her losing her memory. Have the male lead be arrested and spend 15 years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. When the ageing patriarch is being buried, have the show’s villain blow up the church.

The key is to have fun with it.

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