5 Nollywood Movies We Still Can’t Believe Got Made


April 23, 2019

As much crap as we give Nollywood for making so much crap, they have delivered some epic “so bad it’s good” movies that can only be described as the fever dreams of “screenwriters” that were under the influence of cheap drugs.

Movies like:

  1. Beyonce and Rihanna:

This movie is the epitome of the saying “Wheeeew chile…the ghetto!“. So here’s the storyline: Nadia Buhari and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde play Beyonce and Rihanna respectively (I shit you not), pop superstar divas who are in a rivalry so intense it makes Nicki Minaj Vs Cardi B look like child’s play. They also happen to have eyes for the same man, a music producer who goes by the name “Jay.”

If it feels like you’ve heard this story before, it’s because you have. This was the narrative of the alleged beef going on between the real Beyonce and Rihanna in the mid-2000s.

I remember watching this and being hella amused by things like all the cheap wigs perched on the heads of these characters that were supposed to be rich, Jim Iyke’s terrible Jay Z impression, and all the lip-synching that made the movie feel like a Beyonce and Rihanna greatest hits compilation. The best part comes at the end of part 2 when both characters are set to perform in a competition against each other (lol) but Beyonce passes out on stage because she overdosed on energy drinks.

Then they tell you to watch out for part 3 & 4!

2. Blackberry Babes:

At the height of its popularity, the Blackberry brand inspired a ton of knock-off stuff. However, the one thing that stood out was this movie franchise named Blackberry Babes. You can probably already guess the premise: a group of young women doing everything possible to get their hands on the latest blackberry phones because their social statuses depend on it. Then again, it did come from the producers of Beyonce and Rihanna so expecting anything different was my mistake.

In one of the many sequels, there was this one scene where a girl is with a rich old sugar daddy in his expensive car when all of a sudden, the girl uses jazz to turn the man into a Bold 5 and then runs off with it, leaving the super expensive car behind!

3. Stolen Bible:

The only movie on this list that I insist you watch, Stolen Bible is hilarious AF. Kate Henshaw plays Apolonia, a girl who steals a bible for some reason from an old woman and gets cursed by the old woman with the spirit of Kleptomania.

The rest of the movie is a string of hilarious hijinks caused by her inability to stop stealing. (She steals seven of her room mate’s underwear at one point by wearing all of them at the same time and waddling uncomfortably out of the room.) After her mother ships her off to a convent to get help, Apolonia, with the help of a few friends, somehow ends up stealing a briefcase full of money from a babalawo’s shrine.

He curses them with elephantiasis and cancer. That’s when the movie gets super gross.

4. Chidinma and the Cucumber:

Despite being titled like a children’s book about a happy go lucky village pre-teen named Chidinma and a wise but whimsical anthropomorphic cucumber she meets during her adventures, this movie is actually loosely based on the story of the former beauty queen in Anambra state, Chidinma Okeke, whose sex tape (in which she used a cucumber as a sex toy) was leaked.

So rude.

5. White Hunters:

Sadly, this movie isn’t about a group of women hunting white men for sport. It’s about a group of girls who have made it their life’s mission to shack up with rich white men so they never have to work another day in their lives. I remember it being marketed with the cringey tag line, We have broken into Hollywood! and watching the movie because of this, only to see terrible Phillipino and Lebanese actors scattered in it.

This movie kick-started my trust issues.

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