Adichie says hair is political. Yup. Afro, dreads, just let it grow and blossom baby. Must attend: that dreads convention each year. Must follow: Blogs, Instagrams, Tweeters about natural hair. Must do: Tell everyone just how great their hair is and welcome them to the other side.
2. Stop wearing a bra
Bras were invented by men to hold you back from freedom. Ditch bras. When people stare at you, hold them tits high by arching your back. Dazeet.
3. Attend Afropolitan vibes
Ignore all the western music and think about the live band bruh. That live band is lit. Don’t forget to tweet about how the bottled Palmwine isn’t fresh enough for you.
4. Visit Terrakulture at least once a month
You haven’t gone to an art gallery? How are you living without the appreciation of art? Rele also holds a couple of events.
5. Tell us how awful international food is
Can we just ban Domino’s? How dare you call chicken suya a pizza variant? *rolling eye emoji*
6. Bogobiri on Thursdays
Nigerian music is trash except when you’re bumping and grinding to it at Vapours on Friday. Bogobiri’s open Mic night is what authentic music should sound like — with proper content and etc.
7. Complain about politics but don’t vote
Tweet about how much light you’re not getting and how the roads in VI are bad. Don’t forget it took you 6 months to register your non-profitable business. But don’t vote. How can you vote in an election that’s already rigged?
8. Tell us how Lagos is the most expensive city ever
“Lagos is the most expensive city I’ve ever lived in”. Thank you Ms. Art internship in Monaco, we had no idea.
9. Complain about the things Nigerians do
This one is really important. Nigerians don’t give personal space. Nigerians eat too loud. Nigerians are too loud on the phone. Nigerians like to talk too much and any other thing you think only Nigerians are capable of doing.
10. Complain about Ubers
Nigeria just doesn’t have enough Ubers bruh. It’s always in surge pricing bruh. There are no trains in Lagos bruh. How are there no trains in Lagos?
11. Be a writer
Write sad poems. More importantly, write “African fiction” and attempt to describe the smell of Lagos. Argue about writing. Compare and contrast Adichie to Achebe and give yourself 10 marks for spotting the differences. Get into a creative writing workshop. Blame your singleness on the fact that nobody can love writers because they’re always sad.
12. Start a blog
Lagosdosgbe.wordpress.com or a URL with a Nigerian slang will be your collection of woes, p settings and the weird thing you bought in traffic. Tell your friends about it every time you have lunch with them.
13. Be proud of your melanin
Black is beautiful. That’s all I have to say. Tag every picture with #Melanin and #Slay. Ugh. Slay is so important. Never forget to slay.
14. Patch everything with Ankara
How else will you define yourself and your Africanness if you don’t have a lirru bit of Ankara and Dashiki pieces everywhere? Put them on your pockets, chest, forehead. Wear an Ankara bikini.
15. Join the fitfam crew
Sign up for Truppr and get on that Lekkoyi bridge. We’re not trying to accept our bodies anymore. That’s so 2012–2014. You must change that body and be fit and have enough Buffality. Dazz rai. Don’t forget to autopost your Endomondo, Runkeeper and Nike+ workouts. Everybody must know.