Nollywood has always depicted Nigerian society in different crazy ways, but nothing compares to how they depict exactly how Nigerian wives should behave. It’s amazing and highkey hilarious, honestly. Let me give you a few examples.
These people will just be making marriage to be fearing somebody. Where’s the nearest convent, abeg?
1. Marry as a virgin
But on your wedding night, bust several moves. Shey the knowledge comes with the ring, at least for women? Men have to get their knowledge the more… manual way, obviously.
2. Throw it down in the kitchen
Looking like this, no less. If you’re not Martha Stewart mixed with The Kitchen Butterfly, are you even worth marrying? You will just push your husband into the hands of the next woman that can cook! Shey, it’s food cooked by someone else he came to use his life to eat.
3. Get pregnant in the first few months.
In fact, if you don’t get pregnant on your wedding night there must be something wrong. To Nollywood, any good wife will birth a son first, so act accordingly. It’s simply common sense and a little biology. Also, don’t forget to keep having babies till your husband can no longer afford them, but never ever add weight, look tired or complain.
4. Never accuse your husband of cheating even if you catch him red handed.
And if it’s paining you too much that your husband fell into the orifices of another woman, you need to apologise for not being enough and performing your duties to satisfaction. If he should continue, get your Bible or Quran and pray because it must be jazz.
5. Be obedient.
If your husband says ‘jump’, you better pack your breasts and start jumping.
6. Always look good.
Even if you’re just leaving the delivery room. As soon as that baby drops, the weight should drop too. In fact, leave that place with your baby, makeup and heels. After all, you don’t want to push him into the hands of another woman.
7. Be more forgiving than Jesus.
If your husband slaps you, just grab his collar, call him by his name and say “you slapped me?!” Then go ahead and insist that he kill you without delay. And when he should get on his knees, shed two tears and insist that the devil made him do it, forgive him. You’re a good wife.
8. Clean the house like that’s what you were born to do.
A Nigerian husband can only survive in the cleanest of homes and environments, so of course, it is your duty as a good wife to make that happen. The house must always be sparkling!
9. Always always look sexy.
But only in the house! So you can titillate his senses as you bend down to perform every little task. You have to stay on top of that sexy game!
10. Don’t bother him unnecessarily. Even when you think it’s important, it’s not important to him.
Even if you also have a job, you must always remember that your husband has had a long day, so you must never ask him to help around the house, help with the children, or even inconvenience him by falling sick. Don’t make him look outside the home for complete laziness.
11. Respect his family. He doesn’t have to respect yours o but you must respect his family.
Even if his younger siblings are younger than the last born of your family, you must always call them ‘sister’ or ‘brother’. Show that you have home training if you don’t want to go back to your father’s house that they weren’t chasing you from in the first place.
12. You had better get out of bed first in the morning.
You must never let your husband wake up after you. What kind of wife are you?! You should have been doing “one or two things” before he opens his eyes. This includes but is not limited to cooking, cleaning, and preparing the kids for school. You get up before him on weekends even, to handwash his underwear.
13. Ensure food is always fresh and hot.
Whether you have a job or not, all food your husband eats must be fresh and hot. Don’t ask me how you’re supposed to do that – I’m not married to your husband with you.