While some Nigerians have been able to successfully free themselves of the ingrained idea that sex is bad, there are a lot of us that still find anything regarding that topic immensely stressful, especially when it comes time to buy condoms — a blatant indication that you are, in fact, having sex.
If you belong to the latter category, this article is for you.
You instantly reject any assistance
It doesn’t matter if you’re having the hardest time spotting the condoms in the pharmacy you just snuck into, the moment someone offers you any kind of assistance, you start aggressively shaking your head. It’s not from your mouth that they are going to hear: “I’m looking for condoms”.
You buy other things you don’t need
Once you finally do find the condoms, you start looking for other inconsequential things to buy, so you can mask your main reason for coming: fornication prep. This is when the most senseless purchases – like a new lip balm or an inhaler when you’re not even asthmatic – tend to happen.
You wait for every adult at the counter to leave
Before heading to the counter, you check to make sure no judgmental-looking adult is there buying their arthritis medication. You know all Nigerian adults are basically in the same Whatsapp group, and you can’t risk meeting one that could potentially snitch to your folks, who still think you’re a virgin at 28.
You aggressively avoid eye contact
When you finally reach the counter, you begin to avoid eye contact like a thief. You look at everything else but the person in front of you, hoping that they will just sell you the condoms and allow you to go in peace. This is really not the time to be asking if someone wants to check their blood pressure, abeg.
You make sure the bag isn’t even remotely transparent
After collecting your bag of condoms and useless add-ons you’ll probably throw away before you even get home, what next? Well, you spend the next couple of seconds trying to ensure that the bag isn’t even a little bit see-through. Can’t have your neighbour, Mama Nkechi knowing your business.
You avoid buying from the same place too much
Now that you’ve gotten your condoms and, in your overactive imagination, being tagged a sinner by every single person in that pharmacy, you know you can never return. It’s time to find another place to go embarrass yourself, and you’re going to keep doing that until you have to start travelling for it.