Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who had a heart attack when he was 24. From erectile issues to fainting spells, he talks about how his weak heart has affected his sex life.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
I was eight when I first found my father’s collection of porn magazines. I would lock myself in a room and just flip through the pages for hours. I didn’t fully understand what they were, but I knew I liked what I felt when I looked at the pictures.
This continued for about a year until the magazines mysteriously disappeared from my hiding spot. I still don’t know who took them. Then when I turned 11, I found my father’s second, even larger stash of porn — comics, laserdiscs and more magazines.
Yup. I blame that man for my porn addiction. I mean, it was A LOT.
So, you were just casually consuming porn?
At first, yes. Then a friend in school taught me about masturbation. We were gisting in class and he announced that he’d slept with a pornstar the night before. I was so confused, but then he explained that I could have sex with anyone by wanking to them.
He told me that I could use a fleshlight to do it, but my dumb ass thought he meant flashlight. So, I took a flashlight, removed the batteries and just put it on my dick. Obviously, nothing happened.
LMAO. Don’t kill me.
I went back the next day and he explained the whole thing a bit better. He told me to just rub my dick until something happened, and that was a real game-changer. I started masturbating all the time — multiple times a day. It was almost like I had a timetable.
When did you have your first sexual experience with another person?
I mean, I kissed a few babes, but I didn’t do anything sexual with them. I was afraid that I’d become a sex addict. Growing up, one of the constants in my life was infidelity — my father was always cheating on my mother. He was like an addict.
So, it’s not that I didn’t want to have sex or be sexual; I was just scared. My greatest fear in this life is becoming my father. When someone told me I walked like him, I started walking differently. That’s how bad it is for me.
It made me run away from women who liked me. If I noticed that a babe wanted to get intimate, I would immediately ghost her. I didn’t have the energy to explain that I didn’t want to have sex.
Oh wow. Did you ever get over that fear?
Yeah, but it was for a ridiculous reason. There was this babe I liked in uni who treated me like shit, and that made me decide to be a ‘fuck boy’. Thankfully, I was terrible at it. It was around that time I finally decided to just have sex.
How was your first time?
It was a complete mess. I was 20 and it happened in a hotel. It’s a long story, but my friend accidentally barged into the room while we were going at it. The babe was horrified and ran into the bathroom. She thought I had planned it.
We never finished, so I’m not sure if that still counts as losing my virginity.
Did you guys try again?
No. I never brought it up again. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.
Fair. So, once you crossed that bridge, what was your sex life like?
It alternated between good and bad for a few years. It wasn’t very consistent at first, mostly because I was living with my parents and had a horrible job with shit pay. So, I couldn’t afford to book hotels.
Then after a year, I got a better job and a consistent fuck buddy.
How was sex with the fuck buddy?
It was actually good until I fainted in front of her.
Wait. Are you serious? What happened?
Basically, I had a heart attack when I was 24. I went in for surgery, and a drug I was given stopped my heart on the operating table. When it started back up, it shot up to a dangerous 200 beats per minute. I was still awake and I felt like my heart was going to pop
It was an expensive hospital, but they were useless. Everyone in the room seemed genuinely confused and afraid. After about five minutes of fighting for my life, my heart rate finally settled down, but the damage was already done.
Fuck. That sounds awful.
It was very traumatising. To this day, I can’t enter a hospital without feeling anxious. Right after my heart attack, I struggled to accept the fact that my body was now different, so I decided to just ignore it.
Even though my blood pressure was very high and my heart rate would randomly drop and rise to dangerous levels, I was still in denial. So, of course, I went to meet woman. I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I was still the same.
How did that go?
In the middle of sex, I was breathing heavily and sweating a lot more than normal. After we were done, my entire body was tingling and I felt light-headed, so I knew something was off.
I went into the bathroom to wash my face, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up on the floor with the babe panicking over my body. Luckily, I had an afro at the time, so it helped break my fall when I hit my head on the tiles.
Damn. How did she react to all this?
I didn’t tell her about my heart issue, so I’m sure she still thinks her pussy was so good it knocked me out. I mean, it was good, but it definitely wasn’t good enough to make me pass out.
LMAO. So, what happened after?
I was terrified to have sex for a while because I was sure I would die on top of someone’s child. I could picture my naked body being carried out, and my parents finding out how I died. I mean, I’d already be in hell, but it would still be embarrassing.
Then, on top of that, my heart started affecting my penis. For about a year, it wasn’t pumping the blood needed for me to sustain an erection. The whole thing was just so embarrassing.
I’m sorry. Is that still the case now?
It’s better. I mean, I still have bad periods when my heart issues are serious, but it’s definitely better. Granted, I’m not currently having a lot of sex, but that’s not only because of my heart.
What’s the other reason?
Honestly, I’m tired of sleeping with people I don’t have an emotional connection with.
Oh? Is this a recent development?
Yeah. Made the realisation late last year. Had sex with this babe I had no connection with and it was just awkward. We didn’t even talk after we were done. That’s the moment I decided I no longer want to have sex just for the sake of it.
It’s pointless and numbing. So, no, I can’t do it anymore.
So, what do you do when you get horny?
I feel like my libido has halved, so I don’t get horny a lot. But when I do, I watch porn and masturbate. I no longer watch as much porn as I used to when I was younger. That feels just as numbing as meaningless sex.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a 1. It’s basically non-existent at this point, and this insane year hasn’t helped.
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