Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual man who’s slept with over 200 people. He talks about struggling to accept his sexuality and wanting to leave “the streets” for the right person.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was assaulted when I was 10. I went to the village for my grandmother’s burial and one of my aunt’s friends took an uncomfortable liking to me. She kept referring to me as her husband and everyone just laughed it off.
She would call me to sit on her lap and rub her hands through my hair. I wasn’t comfortable with the attention because I just wanted to go play football with my cousins. I really only tolerated it out of respect.
She eventually made me kiss her — that was my first-ever kiss. After that, she told me to come to her room. Luckily for me, I told my sister before I went. I think she was a little suspicious because she decided to go with me.
How old was your sister?
Just a year and a half older than me, but she was already in secondary school, so she was a bit more aware. I was completely oblivious to what was happening. Anyway, we got to her room and this woman was naked.
My sister just said, “Mummy is calling us” and dragged me out of there. My mum found out about everything and we left the village that same night. I guess she didn’t want to cause a scene because it was a burial.
Damn. Sorry about that. Do you remember your first consensual experience?
Yeah. I was in SS 1. I had a girlfriend and we used to make out. It was nothing serious; just basic secondary school romance. The first time I actually had sex was in university. I was 17 and she was 20.
How was it?
It was meh. I couldn’t believe that this was the sex everyone had been shouting about. Thankfully, it got better. The more we got to know each other, the more I enjoyed sleeping with her.
How long did that last?
We hooked up for about six more months. After that, it felt like a switch had been flipped in my head. I was just running through women with reckless abandon. All I really cared about was busting a nut.
Were you actually enjoying all the sex you were having?
I thought I was. At the time, I didn’t know sex could be better.
When did you realise it could be better?
I met someone and we instantly connected, both sexually and emotionally. We got to explore together. Basically, we would find new things and consult each other on what to try out.
I think it really helped that we also had an emotional connection. That’s when I realised that sex with someone you have that kind of bond with is top-tier. Everything else is just basic.
So, you only have sex with women you have that bond with?
Unfortunately not. Konji is a bastard. I’ve tried to form that connection, but I’m in Lagos and everyone wants to belong to the streets. I’m a big softie when I like someone — gifts, vacations and money — but Lagos has taught me that not everyone deserves that.
How do you mean?
I was dating this babe and paying her rent, but she still cheated on me. I was so depressed. I’d be washing plates and just start crying for no reason. Now, I’m trying to protect myself, but it goes against my nature.
Damn. So, what’s sex like for you without that connection?
I try to make sure the women enjoy themselves. My head game is A1 — I’ve not had a bad review so far — and when they’ve had their fill of orgasms, I just jerk myself off because penetrative sex ko le work without that connection.
I don’t tell them that I find it difficult to orgasm without that bond because they’ll see it as a challenge and become weird. So, most times, I just fake it. I still don’t count these experiences as bad because I legitimately enjoy giving pleasure.
Interesting. What’s your sex life like these days?
Almost non-existent. There’s someone I’m currently seeing who’s in an open relationship, but the sex is kinda mid. There’s one woman I thought I could have something special with, but she still wants to belong to the streets.
At this point, I’m not too picky. As long as I find you attractive and you have sense, we move. I’m a bit pickier with men though. There are just not a lot of men that I actually find attractive.
Oh? When did you realise you were attracted to men too?
I was in secondary school when I realised something was different. I tried to kiss one of my friends, but he brushed me off. We never discussed it. Years later, I met a man at a club in New York and we randomly made out in the bathroom.
I felt so alive.
Did you explore your sexuality after that?
I tried using dating apps to meet men, but everyone only seemed interested in having sex. I wasn’t ready for that. I’m still not. The most I’ve done with a guy is make out and get head.
Why do you think that is?
I haven’t yet let go of my inhibitions. If I’m being honest, I’m still a bit homophobic towards myself. The first time I had oral sex with a man, I had a shower and almost scrubbed off my skin.
I’m still a work in progress. Thankfully, I’ve made a few queer friends that have shown me I don’t have to rush anything. I mean, one of them came to terms with it in his 30s, so they’re insisting that I take my time.
That’s great. So, what exactly are you looking for right now?
Honestly, I’m tired of the streets. I’m ready to retire and focus my time and energy on just one person. Then both of us can explore and have as many sexual adventures as we want.
When you were on the streets, how often were you having sex?
It was basically every day. I stopped counting at around 200, and it went well beyond that. At a point, I was waking up with a different woman in my bed every day. So, yeah, I’ve been there, done that and I’m now tired.
Over 200? And this is just women?
Just women. If I count oral sex with men, then I’d have to multiply by like 1.5. I take my sexual health very seriously though, so I always go for a checkup every month. At this point, my doctor is my guy.
Good. So, you’re actively looking for “the one” now?
Yeah, but if I bust a nut along the way, then so be it. I have to enjoy the journey too.
Fair. Have you met anyone that has come close to filling that position for you?
There’s this older woman I had a thing with, but she’s moved away. It was so beautiful. I’m actually planning to go see her soon. She wants us to make a sex tape, and I’m glad because I’ll have something to watch and reminisce whenever I feel down.
Unfortunately, we’re both at different points in our lives and I don’t think we can be committed to each other, but for now, this suffices. I feel safe, myself and at peace whenever I’m with her. She’s the closest I’ve gotten to “the one”.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
A 4. I’m having okay sex, but the woman I really want to be sleeping with isn’t around. Who did I offend in my previous life to have issues like this? Just when I’m ready to leave the streets. This life no too balance.
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