Sex Life: I’m A Gay Man Who Isn’t Into Penetrative Sex

May 15, 2021


Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old gay man who recently discovered he is a side — a gay man who isn’t interested in penetrative sex. He talks about how this affects his sexual and romantic life and how he hopes to meet someone open-minded enough to know it’s not all about penetrative sex.

What was your first sexual experience?

It wasn’t consensual actually. We had a house help who would rub our genitals together and hump on me. I was nine and it went on for about two years before one of my aunties noticed that something wasn’t right. She immediately raised an alarm and the girl was sent packing. That was how I finally came to know peace.

That’s fucked up. I’m so sorry. 

It’s fine. My first proper consensual sexual experience was when I was fourteen. It was with a guy I liked in secondary school. He was a year above me. One time, I went over to his and we kissed. That was when I had my first proper kiss. He was my first boyfriend.

Do you remember how it ended?

He went on to uni, then my family relocated. It made me sad that we didn’t keep in touch but I’m over it now. This was around the time I discovered masturbation.

Oh?

I think I was a late bloomer regarding masturbation. I didn’t know of it or start doing it till my mid-teens. I think other kids discovered it earlier.

Do you know why it took you longer?

I’m a very ‘mental person’. I exist largely in my head so it’s harder for me to do or connect with physical things like most people.

When you say you are a ‘mental person’ what does that exactly mean to you?

My relationships with people are very mental. I don’t know how to physically be present and enjoy or even really feel things. I exist in my head. I grew up alone and the only other person who was around me and that I would have connected with was the house help and because of the abuse, I couldn’t connect with her and had to close myself off from her. Now I don’t know how to leave my head and be physically present. With things like masturbation and even sex, it’s like I can’t turn my brain off long enough to get into them or enjoy them. So when it happened with masturbation, I was ecstatic.

Can you remember how it happened with masturbation?

I came across the word ‘masturbation’ and I was curious about it. Then I discovered porn and it kind of clicked. When I finally allowed myself to come, I was like ‘wow’.

Finally?

When I started masturbating, I never let myself climax. I just played with my genitals then stopped. One day, I went all the way off and it was magic.

LMAO. Fair enough. Do you remember any other memorable first time?

The first time I tried penetrative sex. 

Oh? When was this?

When I was eighteen, I think. So I met this guy I had been texting on Facebook. The sex was not what I expected.

How so?

It was awkward. It didn’t help that the guy didn’t have a great technique and it was my first time. Before then, I had never had sex and all I knew about sex, especially sex between men, was from books, movies and porn. Let me tell you, it’s not at all the same.

I kept waiting for the moment I would enjoy it to hit, it never did.

Wow.

Yeah. I told my friends and they told me it was probably because it was my first time. I thought the same too for a while.

For a while?

I tried having sex a few times after that, and it didn’t quite hit. It bothered me for a while because I would get attracted to a person, flirt, go on dates sometimes, make out and even fool around. And I’d enjoy all of it. However when it came to penetrative sex? It never hit.

Did you have any partners around this time? How did they take it?

I dated two people. The first didn’t know — it was a short relationship — and I just pretended to enjoy it. I told the second one but he didn’t quite understand and that eventually led to the end of the relationship.

Damn, I’m so sorry.

Yeah. I stopped dating for a while because it felt pointless. It was around this point that I realised I was a side.

What’s a side?

Essentially, a side is a queer man who is not interested in penetrative sex. 

Has it been easier since you made this discovery? 

Yes and no. It’s great knowing that I am ‘normal” and that there are other people like me. However, being a side affects your chances of dating, having a serious or even a non-serious relationship. Sex — penetrative sex — is a huge part of dating and when that’s not on the table, your dating pool becomes almost none existent.

What’s your sex life like?

I don’t know if I have one. I’m trying to figure it out myself, I don’t know anyone who’s like me so it’s me trying to find guys who are open-minded enough to want to date someone who isn’t into penetrative sex. 

These days, I don’t bother committing. I mess around, make out and sometimes have oral sex then just stop before they ask for more. People probably think I’m a player but in reality, I just don’t want to have to deal with rejection.

Have you wondered if this has anything to do with you always being in your head like you said?

I think it’s all connected but at the end of the day, these are things that make me the person that I am. I can’t change these things any more than I can change my sexuality. I do think I’m too in my head to be present to enjoy penetrative sex like most people but I don’t know for sure, what I do know is that this is me, this is who I am.

What do you think you need for your sex life to get to where you want it to?

To meet more people, even just one guy sef, who is open-minded enough to realise that sex doesn’t begin and end with penetrative sex.

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your sex life?

Definitely a 1. It’s so unfortunate and trash to be honest.

Desmond

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

June 17, 2021

While smart investing is a sure way to build and retain wealth, it can be a daunting prospect for beginners. In the same vein, it is a lot easier when you understand the various options in which you can invest and ultimately grow your wealth. Here are some options you can consider when taking the […]

June 17, 2021

The BBNaija Lockdown Reunion (2020’s edition of Big Brother Naija) show will air on the 17th of June 2021. Keeping with the tradition of the show, the reunion will be hosted by Ebuka Obi Uchendu and will feature some of the BBN: Lockdown housemates talking about memorable moments from their season while also hashing out […]

June 17, 2021

Union Bank has announced a nationwide campaign to give away 55 Million Naira to new and existing customers in its ‘Save & Win Palli’ promo. This is another way the Bank is offering Nigerians some relief (a.k.a. ‘palliative’) from the economic hardship brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic and other issues. During the promo period […]

June 17, 2021

Everyone has those small, seemingly minor things that turn them off people, commonly called an “ick”. We spoke to seven men about what their unforgivable, weirdest ick is and they had some hilarious answers. Dave People who are too eager are my biggest icks. Maybe it’s my fear of commitment, but the more someone makes […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

More from Sex Life

June 12, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a heterosexual 25-year-old man who became obsessed with penises when he realised his penis was small. He talks about how having a small penis affects his […]

June 9, 2021

Since heaven is the goal, but your body is not firewood, here are some of the best sex positions that won’t ruin your heavenly race. 1) Missionary The people that named this sex position knew what they were doing. It is simple, straight forward and as old as time. People that have sex like this […]

June 5, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year gay man who has a reputation for being a player. He talks about how his reputation for sleeping around is affecting his sex life and […]

May 29, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who finds sex triggering and struggles to maintain romantic and sexual relationships due to past horrible and violent sexual experiences. She talks […]

May 22, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman who discovers she isn’t attracted to only men relatively late. She talks about finding out about her sexuality, how her husband helped her […]

May 15, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old gay man who recently discovered he is a side — a gay man who isn’t interested in penetrative sex. He talks about how this affects […]

May 7, 2021

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 32-year-old woman who decided to stop having sex after she turned 30. She talks her toxic sex life in her 20s and how this decision has helped her improve the quality of her life, relationship and friendships.

May 1, 2021

The subject of this week’s sex life is a 32-year heterosexual woman who is tired of having sex. She talks about her very sexually active 20s and how today, nothing about sex excites her especially sex with her husband. What was your first sexual experience? In secondary school, there was a guy that I would […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X