Sex Life: I Attended Sex Parties Every Weekend For 3 Years

November 28, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual man who went from attending sex parties every other weekend in America to going months without sex once he returned to Nigeria. 

What was your first-ever sexual experience?

My first experience wasn’t consensual. I don’t remember the exact age, but I know I was younger than 11. I was abused by four different domestic staff in my house — three were male and one was female. 

Both of my parents were working, so whenever I returned from school, it was just me and the help. They’d then grope and fondle me. There was a time my mum almost caught on, but I denied it. I still don’t know why I didn’t just tell her.

I’m really sorry. What was your first consensual experience?

I mean, I fooled around a bit with a few people, but I didn’t actually have full-on sex until I moved to America for university. I was 18, and it was with a guy who turned out to be married. 

Oh? Before we unpack that, when did you realise you were into guys?

I think I always knew, but it became very obvious to me in secondary school. There was this game we used to play, hide-and-seek in the dark. I always used that as an opportunity to fool around with the guys I liked.

While I started out liking girls a lot more, my attraction to guys has gotten more intense the older I’ve gotten. Right now, I’d say I’m a lot more attracted to men than women.

All right. Back to the married guy in America. What happened?

It was horrible. I went on Craigslist, a website for classified ads, and went to the “men seeking men” section. I had never done anything like that before, and I still don’t know what made me go there in the first place.

Anyway, I found this guy and decided to meet up with him. He was a little far from where I was, so I took a taxi, which was expensive. Then when I got there, I realised he was basically a catfish — his pictures were intentionally deceptive.

You didn’t leave once you realised?

After that expensive trip? Nah. In my head, I was like, “I’m already here.” We ended up having sex. It wasn’t until we’d finished that I noticed his wedding ring. I felt so dirty. I took a two-hour shower as soon as I got home and swore I’d never have sex again. 

I’m guessing that didn’t last long.

LMAO. After about two months, I was back on Craigslist. This time, I noticed a few parties that were being advertised. They looked pretty interesting, so I got an invite. I was shocked when I arrived.


It was a sex party, and at the time, I didn’t know those were a thing. The party was in a big, dark house, and people were having sex upstairs. I was so uncomfortable, I couldn’t bring myself to go up the stairs that first time. 

The first time? You went again?

Oh yeah. For the next three years, attending sex parties became my thing. Since I wasn’t ready to be open about my attraction to guys, I used this underground way to explore and come to terms with my sexuality. 

How often were you attending these parties?

At first, I was only going once a month, then after a while, it went up to almost every weekend. The parties started at 10 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays, then ran till 6 a.m. the next day.

I used to try and trick myself by sleeping early so I wouldn’t be awake to go. It never worked. Somehow, I always woke up around 11 p.m. and then I’d be like, “Shit! I guess I have to go.”

LMAO. What actually went down at these parties?

First of all, they weren’t free. It cost me around $15 every time. At the door, you’d get a bag with a number and a matching wristband. You then had to put your clothes and phone in the bag before entering. You could only get them back when you were leaving.

The whole thing was surprisingly structured and organised.

What happened when you entered?

You got drinks and condoms once you came in, and the TVs downstairs would always be blasting porn. There was also food, but I don’t who goes to a sex party to eat. Once you’re ready to get into it, you go upstairs.

Upstairs was like a blackout room — you couldn’t really see anyone. There were usually around 20 to 30 people just going at it in the bedrooms and the hallway. People just fucked wherever they found space.

So, you couldn’t see the faces of the people you had sex with?

Rarely. Sometimes, if I was vibing with someone, based on great sex and a nice body, I’d take them downstairs and check out their faces with the brightness from the porn TVs, but for the most part, no, I couldn’t see the people I slept with. 

You didn’t mind that? 

I particularly liked the darkness because I wasn’t very confident in my sexuality or how I looked, so that gave me a safe space to explore. It was also very close to my campus, so once I was done, I’d just head back.

Were you actually enjoying all the sex?

Yeah. They were all nice experiences. I really enjoyed them. 

All right. So, why did you stop going?

I came back to Lagos. There was never a period during my stay in America that I wasn’t attending sex parties. Maybe the frequency reduced sometimes, but I always went. Since I couldn’t date openly, this was my only outlet for sexual release. 

Honestly, the only reason I stopped was because I had to leave.

How did your sex life change once you returned?

Obviously the sex parties stopped. I mean, I have zero intention of attending one in Lagos. That is never going to happen. I also moved back in with my parents, so that limited the freedom I have. 

So, yeah, my sex life has been very inconsistent. There are times it gets pretty active, but for the most part, I often go for months without sex. I’m also not interested in hooking up with random people in Lagos.

Why not? 

I was cool with it in America because it was generally safer. While I haven’t had any bad experiences in Lagos, I’ve heard too many stories of queer people being robbed, extorted and blackmailed, so I try not to hook up with strangers.

I need to know you through a friend or at least have seen you around.

Fair. How have you adjusted to the drop in the frequency of sex?

It hasn’t been that difficult. This year was when I realised I could alternate between being very sexually active and simply watching Netflix. Honestly, I think Netlfix, food and sex are equally enjoyable to me.

As long as I can have one of those three, I’m good.

Since you’ve been back, what’s the longest you’ve gone without sex?

Six months — I was stuck at home with my parents during lockdown. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, I was still watching porn and masturbating, but I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. 

So, you don’t miss the sex parties?

LMAO. I miss it sometimes. I’m still on their mailing list, so I still get the invites, and that always makes me laugh. I feel like I’ve outgrown it, or maybe I’m just saying that because I haven’t had a chance to attend one in about five years. Who knows?

How is your relationship with your sexuality now?

There’s more clarity. When I was younger, I didn’t understand what I felt, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more confident in who I am and what I like. It’s a great feeling.

Do you still hook up with women?

The last time I hooked up with a woman was four years ago  — I met her at a party while I was still in America. I enjoyed it, but honestly, I don’t feel as connected to women as I used to.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

It’s been good recently, so I’ll give it an 8. It’ll probably go up to 10 once I leave this country.

You plan on leaving again?  

Yeah. In two or three years. I can’t live my best years in this place.

Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.


Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

May 20, 2020

While most of us typically have sex in the bedroom — nothing wrong with wanting to be as comfortable as possible — it’s not always an option, especially when you’re caught up in the moment. So, out of curiosity, we asked a bunch Nigerians to tell us the strangest place they’ve ever had sex. From […]


Now on Zikoko

May 7, 2021

Twitter went berserk this week after billionaire, Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, called off their 27-year-marriage. Although the divorce appears amicable, we know a Nigerian divorce between billionaires would have been chaotic.  So on this episode of #JustImagine, we created two fictional characters: Belu and Mide.  Belu’s Ikoyi Mansion. Belu is hiding in his […]

May 7, 2021

As told to Mariam I put a call out for women to tell me the things that affect their mental health most. In Ada’s* message, she said her parents found out she is queer. I was curious about how that played out and I asked more questions. Here’s what she told me: I am the […]

Recommended Quizzes

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

More from Sex Life

May 1, 2021

The subject of this week’s sex life is a 32-year heterosexual woman who is tired of having sex. She talks about her very sexually active 20s and how today, nothing about sex excites her especially sex with her husband. What was your first sexual experience? In secondary school, there was a guy that I would […]

April 17, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old gay man whose sexual addiction ruined his three-year relationship. He talks about how the end of his relationship made him realise he has […]

April 10, 2021

With almost two years of being in existence, Sex Life has grown while staying true to its goal of exploring the sex lives of Nigerians. In the last one year and five months since Sex Life was created, we’ve spoken to about eighty Nigerians who are at different places in their lives, with different orintentations, […]

March 27, 2021

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual Nigerian woman who recently got married. She talks about how rumours about her sex life and stereotypes about being a Muslim woman gave her more reasons to stay celibate until marriage, and also made her detest men.

March 12, 2021

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a heterosexual Nigerian woman in her early 40s. She talks about barely caring about sex when she got married in her 20s and how this is changing now that her children are grown up and away from home.

February 27, 2021

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual man who was celibate for almost a decade before he got married. He talks about his wild sexual past and how he thinks that might be stopping him from fully enjoying married sex.


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.