7 Nigerians Talk Navigating Sex In A New Country

May 13, 2020

Moving to a new country can be both exciting and terrifying. There are a ton of articles on the internet that tell you what to expect in terms of housing and getting work, but very few mention anything about the sexual culture shock you’re likely to experience.

So, we decided to find out what that experience has been like for Nigerians who’ve relocated to Canada, Germany, America and the UK. From struggling with a host of dating apps to exploring their sexuality, their answers are quite illuminating.

Mary, 27/Female/Straight

I relocated to London just a few months ago. While I was still living in Lagos, my sex life was pretty fun. I’m used to Nigerian men and the madness they come with. I’d never say this out loud, but I actually kind of love their madness. It’s exciting.

Since the move, my sex life has been non-existent. Right now, I can blame the lockdown, but if I’m being honest, I wasn’t seeing any action before it. I’ve been on dates and I’ve tried numerous apps, but the men I’ve met so far have been dead.

I find a general disconnect in the banter — they’re just not funny — and in all honesty, I haven’t found anyone particularly pleasant to look at. It’s wild because there are so many beautiful women here. So, why are all the men I’m meeting so damn unappealing?

David, 25/Male/Gay

I relocated to Germany about a year ago. In Nigeria, my sex life wasn’t exactly memorable, but it was active and occasionally fun. I was hoping that once I moved abroad and was able to live openly as a gay man, it would vastly improve. That has not been the case at all.

I’ve only had sex twice since I moved. I downloaded a few dating apps when I first arrived, but I’ve deleted all of them. People were barely interacting with me, and I still can’t tell if it’s because I’m black or just not conventionally attractive enough, but my self-esteem hasn’t recovered.

Chinny, 26/Female/Queer

I relocated to Canada a year ago. Before I moved, I was in a relationship, so my sex life was pretty active — my girlfriend and I were having sex at least 3 times a week. When I first got to Canada, it took me a while to find my bearings, so my sex life took a hit.

That’s not to say it was completely dead. I was having occasional sex with a woman I knew from Nigeria who had also moved here. Then there were a few women I met on Tinder and at the club. But my sex life didn’t properly pick up until I met my girlfriend. 

So, now that I’m in this new relationship, it’s back to being quite active — probably even more so than before. Since I have a lot more freedom than I ever did when I lived in Nigeria, my girlfriend and I are having sex at least six times a week. It’s great.

John, 24/Male/Straight

I moved to England almost two years ago. While I was in Nigeria, I usually had sex with partners or friends. I was in a relationship right before I left, but we were both very busy, so the sex was sporadic. I still enjoyed it though, and we were open to trying different things.

When I moved, I was initially consumed with my masters. Then when I decided to try meeting women, I alternated between Tinder and clubs. I had nice encounters with a few white women, but I remember running when one of them couldn’t stop talking about how much she loves black guys.

Now, I just have casual sex with some friends and from babes I meet on Tinder, but not nearly as much as I’d like because of classes and just life in general. It’s actually been a bit underwhelming. I assumed I’d be having a lot more sex once I got here.

Folake, 26/Female/Straight

I am a nomad. I move around a lot and haven’t been stable at any one place for more than 3 years. When I still lived in Lagos, I had a very active and fun sex life. I literally used to have sex every single day, except when I was on my period. 

I moved to England and I suddenly had no sex life for two years — from every day to nothing at all. I noticed that with every new country I move to, my sex life suddenly becomes non-existent. However, every time I go back to Nigeria, that’s all I do until I am out.

I think it stems from the fear of getting involved with someone new and having to move again. Then I’d have to start from scratch. In Nigeria, it’s so much easier because I mostly just sleep with people I have been talking to for a while.

Tobi, 31/Male/Bisexual

I relocated to New York about 3 years ago. When I still lived in Nigeria, my sex life was good, but I was certainly holding back a lot. For instance, I’d known I was bisexual for a long time, but I was never brave enough to have sex with a man until I left the country.

I’m a completely different person in New York — more adventurous and expressive. One of my sexual highlights so far has been getting to attend an underground sex party. I honestly don’t think I would have been able to fully explore this side of myself if I’d remained in Nigeria.

Ella, 21/Female/Queer

I moved to America five months ago. When I was in Nigeria, I had easier access to people, so my sex life was alright. Right now, it’s dead. I mostly just masturbate and swipe right on people I fail to have any kind of emotional connection with.

I’m really picky with lovers. I have to connect with someone emotionally before I can sleep with them. So, even though I’m capable of liking multiple people — I’m polyamorous — I only ever want to sleep with 30% of the people I like.

I actually got on dating apps to make friends here. I just didn’t know how queer people in America connected. The Nigerian LGBT community is so different. So, since I don’t want just sex, the apps haven’t been working out. I’ve accepted that I’ll probably have to keep masturbating for a while.

If you would like to read more Sex Life stories, you can click right here.

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