How To Be A Nigerian Landlord

May 11, 2016

1. Build a house big enough so you can torture more than one tenant at once.

Face-me-I-face you is great for maximum evil.

2. And build the house wherever, even if it means the house will be under water when it rains.

It’s just water.

3. Look for cheap building materials, you’re not living in the house.

The house is the tenants’ problem now.

4. Only do the barest minimum to make the house livable.

I’ve sha put toilet and kitchen..even if they’re right beside each other.

5. Make sure the block of flats you build has absolutely no parking space.

Why do they even have cars?

6. Just so that people will not abuse you, put light and water in the house.

Small geepee tank though, and the cheapest PHCN phase.

7. Put the house on the market for twice its proper value.

And lie a lot!

8. Then ask for two years in advance plus damages.

Oga, if you want the house, come and rent.

9. When they negotiate and beg you, be ‘merciful’ and reduce the price a little.

Or be a mad man and rent it to someone else.

10. When they ask you about the house and the area, be as vague as possible or just outrightly lie.

Safe – you won’t die Near the main road – you’ll walk for 10 minutes You’ll get bus to anywhere – No you will not

11. When they move in to the house, wish them success and good luck.

God knows they’ll need it.

12. Be excited when you see them fixing up the house. Higher rent, baby!

Fix it!

13. If they come to complain to you about inheriting the former tenant’s bills.

What’s my own?

14. When they’re fighting with their neighbours, see but don’t talk.

Hian!

15. When something spoils in the house and they come to you.

Do I live there?

16. After a year has passed, increase the rent without notice.

Come and beat me.

17. When they finally decide to move out, increase the price again and put it on the market.

Repeat from step 6.

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