Valentine’s day is almost here and once again, you’ll be spending it alone. You’ll have to endure happy couples rubbing their joy in your face by holding hands and swapping saliva everywhere you go.
Well, your boy is here for you with ways you can make it through this disgustingly cute holiday. Even though at this rate, you’ll most likely die alone at the age of 89 surrounded by the 600 cockroaches in your apartment.
1. First things first:
Call in sick to work so you can stay home. Go shopping. Eat an entire cake (icing included) while watching every rom-com you can find on Netflix. Is it cliché? Yes. Will it feel good? Yes. Will all that cake icing and excessive spending set you up for mega diabetes and crushing debt in old age?
2. Think of all the money you won’t have to spend.
At least you don’t have to buy flowers and gifts and edible underwear and handcuffs…
3. Detoxify your space. And by that I mean block anybody who uploads boo’d up pictures on your timeline.
Because, how fucking dare they?
4. Do this.
Self love, am I right?
5. Be happy within yourself knowing that your relationship status doesn’t define you.
Then immediately realize that that Cosmopolitan article was full of shit.
6. Go out and ruin people’s relationships
Go to a restaurant and walk up to a couple having dinner. Then do this:
“So this is the reason you couldn’t spend today with me?! You’ll meet me and the kids at home!”
Then storm off, leaving chaos in the air.
7. Try your luck with Tinder
8. Hit up your spiritual wife/husband.
Demons need love too.
9. Take solace in the fact that every happy couple’s Valentine’s day sex is going to suck and that all the unmarried ones will be hit with unwanted pregnancies.
You’re not evil, you’re just bitter. There’s a difference.