Lagos is a madhouse.
When it comes to driving in Lagos, forget everything you think you know about driving, which includes everything you learned from your driving instructor. Lagos roads are where you get to practice the stunts you hope to one day perform when you eventually get a role in a car racing movie that goes on to have 18 sequels.
If you’re a newbie Lagos driver, there are some things you have to learn before you start tackling the truly perilous roads. Because a learner sign won’t save you.
1. Watch the entire Fast and Furious franchise.
Think of this as a training course on driving ethics in Lagos. I’m not even joking.
2. If anybody tries to cut in front of you, give them one of these looks:
Squeeze face (like monkey wey lick lime) for everybody. Be it an old woman or a 4-year-old. Let NO ONE outsmart you on these Lagos roads.
3. Perfect these gestures.
For when another driver inevitably does something stupid and dangerous.
4. Have a stash of stuff you can throw at other drivers who can’t stop (won’t stop) doing stupid and dangerous stuff.
Bricks, sachets of water, empty soda bottle of urine, that bowl of Jollof spaghetti from two weeks ago you forgot to eat, etc.
5. Never drag road with danfos.
It’s kinda like saying by Robin Williams that goes: Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They’ve got nothing to lose.
Danfo drivers don’t care about scratches. They don’t even care about dents. You on the other hand, with your brand new, second hand 2012 Toyota Corolla, do.
6. If you get the tiniest scratch on your car, promptly stop in the middle of the road (blocking everyone) and start arguing with the person who scratched you, causing a traffic jam that’ll somehow ripple across Lagos.
As per Lagos laws.
7. Grow thick skin as preparation for the many many insults you’ll receive (sometimes, for no reason).
Lagos drivers are brutal.
8. Keep an eye out for Lagos’ many
In other words, be ever ready to swerve abruptly. Refer to the first item on this list to learn how.
9. When stuck in traffic, remember to NEVER put your valuables in a visible place because thieves will punch a hole in your window with infinity gauntlet-style rings and rob you.
According to the stories I’ve heard, they won’t just rob you. They’ll slap and/or stab you for good measure.