How To Survive Driving In Lagos

March 5, 2019

Lagos is a madhouse.

 

When it comes to driving in Lagos, forget everything you think you know about driving, which includes everything you learned from your driving instructor. Lagos roads are where you get to practice the stunts you hope to one day perform when you eventually get a role in a car racing movie that goes on to have 18 sequels.

 

If you’re a newbie Lagos driver, there are some things you have to learn before you start tackling the truly perilous roads. Because a learner sign won’t save you.

1. Watch the entire Fast and Furious franchise.

Think of this as a training course on driving ethics in Lagos. I’m not even joking.

2. If anybody tries to cut in front of you, give them one of these looks:

Squeeze face (like monkey wey lick lime) for everybody. Be it an old woman or a 4-year-old. Let NO ONE outsmart you on these Lagos roads.

3. Perfect these gestures.

For when another driver inevitably does something stupid and dangerous.

4. Have a stash of stuff you can throw at other drivers who can’t stop (won’t stop) doing stupid and dangerous stuff.

Bricks, sachets of water, empty soda bottle of urine, that bowl of Jollof spaghetti from two weeks ago you forgot to eat, etc.

5. Never drag road with danfos.

It’s kinda like saying by Robin Williams that goes: Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They’ve got nothing to lose.

 

Danfo drivers don’t care about scratches. They don’t even care about dents. You on the other hand, with your brand new, second hand 2012 Toyota Corolla, do.

6. If you get the tiniest scratch on your car, promptly stop in the middle of the road (blocking everyone) and start arguing with the person who scratched you, causing a traffic jam that’ll somehow ripple across Lagos.

As per Lagos laws.

7. Grow thick skin as preparation for the many many insults you’ll receive (sometimes, for no reason).

Lagos drivers are brutal.

8. Keep an eye out for Lagos’ many craters potholes.

In other words, be ever ready to swerve abruptly. Refer to the first item on this list to learn how.

9. When stuck in traffic, remember to NEVER put your valuables in a visible place because thieves will punch a hole in your window with infinity gauntlet-style rings and rob you.

According to the stories I’ve heard, they won’t just rob you. They’ll slap and/or stab you for good measure.

 

STAY WOKE!

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

August 11, 2020

You’re Nigerian. Cheating is in your blood. You might try to fight it but eventually, your true nature will prevail. To make it easier for you, we are offering you this nice guide to help you manage your diverse portfolio of partners. Shh. Don’t let your partner know. 1. Call all of them “Babe, Honey” […]

November 5, 2019

Toothache is something that some people don’t have to deal with but the ones that experience it can swear on their life that it is worse than the pain of childbirth. If you’ve had toothaches before, you know it’s something you can never wish on your enemy because of the maddening and unbearable pain. Toothaches […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 27, 2019

Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are. Take and find out: 11 Quizzes For People Who Aren’t […]

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

More from Inside Life

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X