How To Be A Police Man In Nigeria

April 25, 2019

So you’re a Nigerian who has decided to join the Nigerian police.

Yay.

I’m going to ignore the brain damage that most likely caused you to make this decision and just move on to the list of things you need to know before you join the force.

Things like:

Your uniform must be badly-tailored:

If you’re on the heavy side with a pot belly, your shirt and trousers must be tight so it looks like your buttons could give way at any second and fly in all directions like bullets. If you’re skinny, your shirt and trousers must be at least 3 sizes too big so whenever you move, it looks like floating clothes on a hanger.

Plant yourself on strange roads so you can stop cars and harass the people in them for money.

Of course, you won’t just say “Give me money!” like that. Start by asking them for obscure car documents you know they won’t be with. If they happen to have these documents, break the ice with a terrible joke and ask them to give you something for the weekend.

If they don’t have the documents, ask them to drop money to get themselves out of “trouble.” If they call you out on your bullshit (which, make no mistake, you are full of), refer to the image above for your next line of action.

Do what ever it takes to get that egunje.

It’s usually never more than ₦200 but that shouldn’t stop you from doing whatever you can to get it. Even if that means shooting up a bus full of innocent people.

Plant yourself at strange corners so you can stop and harass random (young) people.

You could use the usual criteria (dreads, piercings, expensive laptop and/or phone, etc) or you can just look in their eyes and see the guilt in them
using the telepathic abilities they gave you in training school. Also, abuse your power even further by going through their personal belongings e.g. phones, computers, bags etc.

Freak the fuck out when anybody speaks anything to you that isn’t pidgin English.

According to your enabler, Yomi Shogunle.

Sit in a corner close to your station and drink insane amounts of hot cheap beer, ensuring that no one can tell the difference between your station and a kidnapper’s den.

Not that there’s a difference.

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