The Hilarious Life of A Left Handed Nigerian

August 13, 2018

For all I know, the “being left-handed is bad” gist might just be an olden days version of those yeye Whatsapp broadcast messages that Nigerian parents always believe.

If you ask them who told them now, they’ll say it’s their great-aunt that told their grandmother’s cousin who told them.

I suffered a lot as a leftie, chai! I think my first official struggle was when they squeezed bitter leaf all over my left hand so I would suck on only the right.

When that one did not work, my people now followed bad advice and decided to bandage my left hand. Bandage o, imagine.

All because one woman opened her big mouth to tell them that it’s how she stopped her child from being a leftie.

My people tried all they could, but my left hand was just looking at them like:

Sha sha I learned my lesson eventually, and started rebelling small small.

One time, my uncle visited and as I was pouring juice for him he goes “my friend, will you use your right hand!”

I just continued filling the glass with my earpiece plugged in like:

When I finished he repeated, “I said don’t use your left hand!” Me, I was like:

My father just carried face from both of us. Master of unlooking.

Even in church, there was no peace. Sunday school teachers would be arguing on top my head and I’d just be there like:

One of them even had the mind to say “it’s a sin.”

Thank God for another teacher that saved me from the false prophet and opened Judges 3 vs 15 for us to read.

Defense from Baba God himself??? I just wrote down the verse and taped it to my door for anybody that wanted to form they knew more than God.

When I entered secondary school and started hearing “left handed people are meant to be smarter” I’d just look look at them like:

Fast forward to SS3 when I started having full-blown wings, supported by breasts.

I was just changing it for anybody that had anything negative to say about me being a leftie anyhow.

From pepper seller, to relative, to gateman, I was ready for EVERYBODY!

The first person that chopped my vex was one aunty that came to my house and started doing face, saying she was hungry.

Me, I even formed good girl and started serving her rice. Unfortunately for her, one evil spirit told her to she start shouting “who are you giving food with that left hand?”

Jah Jehovah, I just poured my rice back, locked the kitchen, and went to sleep. Aunty was there like:

They sha held family meeting on my head the next day because they didn’t have work, but wetin concern me?

The one that even chooked me was the cab man that refused to collect his money because I gave him with my left.

I just threw the money at him and walked away laughing and shaking my bum-bum. He was just there angrily shouting:

These days, I’ve started taking “you use your left?” as a call to war and my response is always:

Minus the annoying Nigerians, the left hand itself comes with its own wahala.

When I’m trying to open a car door or flush the toilet and I’m just there like:

Me, trying to wear a dress with the zipper on the left side:

When I’m trying to give a driver directions and I’m there trying to remember which way is left and which one is right.

Me, handling a knife with my right hand and trying not to cut my left off.

When I realized that most things in this world were designed with only right-handed people in mind.

Really, the ultimate test for every leftie is trying to use scissors. Chineke! It might as well be brain surgery.

To be honest, with the way my relatives really carried it on their heads, I’m surprised they didn’t change me. Well, I’m stubborn as hell so…

My aunty even came to the house recently, saw me eating and said “you still dey use this your left hand?”

“Iwo ati owo osi yi” was the mantra of the enemies of progress that tried and failed.

I sha love being left handed. #LeftHandsMatter.

It’s Left-Handers Day! Here are a few life hacks for my fellow lefties! You can also share this with the lefties in your life.
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