We Had To Go Off On A Few People, Just In Case This Social Media Bill Gets Passed

November 27, 2019

Would it be a Nigerian end of year if the government doesn’t threaten us with something sure to ruin Christman, New Years and most parts of the new year? Fuel price hikes, POS charges, social media bills …

Particularly annoying in the year of our Lord 2019 is the Social Media Bill which is as vague as it is oppressive. Promising to prevent and punish the spread of ‘falsehoods’ on social media, the bill looks to imprison for a period of 3 years or to impose a maximum fine of ₦300,000 on persons found guilty. Only thing is, these falsehoods can be any and everything the government wants them to be. See how this can be problematic?

So we decided to get away with a little something-something before it literally becomes illegal to speak against the Führer and the people within his government.

First off, we will be going in on Abacha civilian lite – Yahaya Bello.

Can somebody please tell Mr. Bello he looks gaddem ridiculous wearing aviators 24/7? I mean yes, the drip is forever but even the Lord rested Yahaya.

How about you channel all that slaying energy into something more deserving, like say paying the teachers in Kogi State their outstanding 39-month salary arrears?

Mr Pres. You know what would go fantastic with your snazzy Bottegas? Guess first.

A working economy. 

Elisha Abbo. Little man, when are you getting that prison number?

 We picked out your prison uniform and everything from the children’s section since July. Tick-tock.

Also, how is this satyr still speaking on the floor of the senate foggosake?

Now speaking of the Senate, we have craters with a hint of bitumen passing for roads. We have the highest number of poor people in the world, beating out India which has 5 times out population. A severely overcompensated Senate, juxtaposed with a working population unable to receive 30,000 as minimum wage.

We have a democracy that requires blood as libation. A raving mad police system where citizens feel more ease in the hands of touts, than t policemen. A crowdfunding industry for our health care ministry. A financial crimes commission too afraid to go after the real big dogs, and somehow a social media bill is winning 400m relay race to a second reading?

Hope all is well?

Now we’re not selfish, if you have anyone in government you’d like to tell a little something-something too, feel free to go off in the comments.

You'll like this

October 28, 2019

You’ve tried to like them, or at least, you’ve tried to be comfortable around them, but something about what many people think are cute pets puts you on an automatic lets-know-what-we’re-doing mode. I get this, which is why I decided to write about your (probable) experience with the so-called man best friend. The first question […]

January 27, 2020

2020 plis… In 2020, we’ve had an earthquake, a horrifying wildfire, the threat of a third World War, a plane crash, the loss of a legend and his prodigious daughter (RIP Kobe and Gigi) and now, we have to deal with the coronavirus. It’s only been the first month. What is a Coronavirus? Coronaviruses refer […]

Boyin Plumptre

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.


Now on Zikoko

September 26, 2020

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a lesbian in her early 20s who, after many trysts with boys, discovered her sexuality when she got to university. . After one traumatic sexual experience though, she’s now terrified of sleeping with women.

Recommended Quizzes

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already.

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

More from General

September 2, 2020

Just tired of staying in the same place? Want to explore? We compile 5 of the best things we have heard about Calabar. 1. Richness in Culture Calabar culture is one of the richest cultures in Nigeria, varying from food, to dances to festivals and carnivals. You should give the city a visit. 2. The […]

August 31, 2020

I had a conversation with a 24-year-old who suspects that her husband cheated on her with his cousin while they were still dating. She talks about the age difference between them, the disrespect she had to endure while dating him and the choice she had to make. There are so many decisions I have made […]

August 31, 2020

1. Time To Go And Meet Your Favorite Lecturer You, yes you. You have had peace of mind for the last 6 months. But in the next three weeks you will try to submit your assignment after the deadline and someone will shout “Will you get out of my office?!” Why? Because the Governor of […]

August 28, 2020

At some point, Nigeria will have to declare a national emergency on the crime of defilement. For starters, I actually thought “defilement” was just another sensational term used on newspaper headlines, but it actually is a criminal offence. Section 137 of the Lagos Criminal Law (2015), for instance, prescribes an imprisonment for life for anyone […]

August 27, 2020

The general reaction when we think or talk about cockroaches is disgust. However, meeting a flying roach in person is a whole different ball game. Ladies, this is what a man’s reaction to a flying cockroach says about him in bed. Don’t try to understand the inference, I am about to drop some nuggets so […]


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.