Nigerian Teenagers Don’t Know How Good They Have It These Days.

March 20, 2019

As a recently involuntarily retired teen (ignore what my birth certificate says), it pains me to no end that my excitable parents refused to wait a year or ten before deciding they needed an extra bundle of joy in 1993.

This is because teens of nowadays, those lucky bastards that didn’t have to suffer the indignities of triple-tapping their phones in the middle of Economics class to produce one letter, or having to wait a turn on the family computer, only spend 30 minutes on the WorldWideWeb before getting bounced — well, they’re living the life us geriatrics were very rudely deprived of.

My fellow oldies might be unaware of just how well these guys have it, so I decided to do the Lord’s work and put my jealousy on display. For your viewing pleasure and disdain, here’s a list of all the ways Nigerian teenagers have it so much better than their older forebears:

This isn’t a Nigerian home staple anymore.

Teenagers are getting punished with time-outs and rational discussions on the consequences of their actions. If I wasn’t so impressed with the emotional progress Nigerian parents are making, I would throw arms with whoever didn’t think to educate Nigerian parents in the early aughts, on the goodness of being rational.

They don’t need lesson teachers anymore.

While I had to grapple with the fact that three times a week, my relaxed afternoons of K-Time and Mr Biggs ads would be ruined with the appearance of my perpetually upset lesson teacher, these children don’t necessarily have to go through the same injustice.

Why? Because they have Google and Alexa to ask questions, just look at this child:

Kid Asks Alexa Answer To Maths Homework

This kid is living in the year 3018 😂😂

Posted by UNILAD on Friday, December 21, 2018

Together with step by step Youtube tutorials on everything from Pythagoras Theorem to how to get the perfect woodwork boxes. Where were these tools when I was paying a carpenter to do my intro-tech assignments?

They can check their JAMB score in peace.

Do these children know how good they have it? They won’t have to hide their shame when the cyber-cafe attendant shouts their double digit JAMB score in a crowded room, just imagine.

Now, they can battle with their God and the HB pencil they blessed at mass, in the comfort of their bedrooms when checking their scores.

Must be nice.

Many of these children didn’t get the bicep cardio that came with rewinding video-tapes and it shows.

These days they have Netflix and Hulu to keep them company. I’m not salty, you are.

They probably don’t know what Starcomms is.

Can you imagine a world where you don’t have to wait till 6pm Saturdays and Sundays to give your friends all the gist you’ll repeat on Monday morning anyway?

You don’t have to think too far, these bratty teens with their Whatsapp and their Google Docs give each other head-prefects gist in real time, what is this life?

They don’t know why this was absolutely necessary:

While the game of yesteryear needed a little spittle to get things going, these lucky children don’t even need cartridges, CDs and now even game consoles to get their game fixes. If there’s any justice in the world, us older adults have been severally denied it.

Ask them what this is, and they’ll probably say an illuminated lime or something just as rude.

A whole Patron Saint of the young Nigerian pirate. Our most reliable fix to the elusive world of Anime and HBO that year. These days, these children have dime a dozen torrent sites and Hulu to keep them satisfied. But the true veterans know the stress we went through to know how Naruto went on his quest to be Hokage.

They have Ubers and Taxify. They have options.

These spoilt children will never experience the terror of Nigerian parents dropping them far off from home and having them maneuver their way with public transportation.

Try that and they can just order an Uber or Taxify to take them home safely. Plus, if your parents never did this, please consider yourself lucky, and if they did, I can send my online therapist’s number. 20% discount for the first 3 months.

Boyin Plumptre

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

June 5, 2021

By Doyin Olagunju By now, you must have heard the news. In fact, by now, you shouldn’t be able to access Twitter —  the popular social media app —  through any of the licensed telecoms operators in Nigeria like MTN or Airtel, except if you’re browsing through a you-know-what. In a statement released on Friday, […]

July 15, 2021

What do you do before you breakup with someone? Well, you should try out any of these seven things. 1) Eat A hungry man is an angry man. So sometimes the reason you want to break up with your partner is because you’ve not had some good food in a while. Before you type that […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

August 5, 2021

When it comes to games night ideas you can play with friends, it is best to consider the people you’ll be inviting so you can choose games that each person will enjoy. Not every time truth or dare, or never have I ever. Here are 8 game night ideas you can play with your friends. […]

August 5, 2021

You need to pass a message with the hairstyle you wear on a first date. Just like your accessories, your hairstyle also speaks volumes. These hairstyle options are strictly for women who date men. 1. The Machine hairstyle I am not sure if it is a jet, or a bicycle or an aeroplane. The point […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

More from Citizen

July 30, 2021

The subject of today’s Abroad life is a 35-year-old man who has lived many lives. He talks about being rejected three times by the US embassy, the bad state of the Nigerian education system, and how freelancing paid for his japa.  When did you decide that you wanted to leave Nigeria? I’d always passively wanted […]

July 25, 2021

From time to time, I see tweets about how living abroad as a Nigerian is tough because it gets lonely. In the past, whenever I saw those tweets, I thought, “I’d rather be lonely abroad than suffering in Nigeria.” But then I spoke with these five people on Abroad Life and their stories made me […]

July 23, 2021

On Saturday, July 24, 2021, the Lagos State Independent Electoral Commission (LASIEC) will conduct an election to elect the next chairman and councillors in the 20 local government areas and the 37 local council development areas in the state.  Why should you care about this? Provisions in the 1999 constitution and the Electoral Act of […]

July 23, 2021

You probably haven’t heard about the country on today’s Abroad Life. It’s Curaçao— a small island in the Caribbean. Today’s subject moved there in 2019, and talks about the country, its people, and why she thinks it’s very similar to Nigeria. When did you decide that you wanted to leave Nigeria? This isn’t the first […]

July 2, 2021

From intriguing stories about fraudsters in Malaysia to heartbreaking stories about child slavery, I’ve shared some brilliant stories worth documenting about Nigerians and their unique experiences abroad. Because we’ve just passed the half year mark, I’m deciding to share the most-read Abroad Life stories from this year. Enjoy. 1. “I Went From Earning ₦20,000 to […]

July 2, 2021

Today’s subject on Abroad Life is a 24-year-old woman who moved to the UK last year after getting ghosted by someone she just met. She talks about quitting her frustrating job in Nigeria, meeting a guy and leaving the country because he suddenly stopped talking to her.  When did you decide that you wanted to […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X