Nigerian Teenagers Don’t Know How Good They Have It These Days.

March 20, 2019

As a recently involuntarily retired teen (ignore what my birth certificate says), it pains me to no end that my excitable parents refused to wait a year or ten before deciding they needed an extra bundle of joy in 1993.

This is because teens of nowadays, those lucky bastards that didn’t have to suffer the indignities of triple-tapping their phones in the middle of Economics class to produce one letter, or having to wait a turn on the family computer, only spend 30 minutes on the WorldWideWeb before getting bounced — well, they’re living the life us geriatrics were very rudely deprived of.

My fellow oldies might be unaware of just how well these guys have it, so I decided to do the Lord’s work and put my jealousy on display. For your viewing pleasure and disdain, here’s a list of all the ways Nigerian teenagers have it so much better than their older forebears:

This isn’t a Nigerian home staple anymore.

Teenagers are getting punished with time-outs and rational discussions on the consequences of their actions. If I wasn’t so impressed with the emotional progress Nigerian parents are making, I would throw arms with whoever didn’t think to educate Nigerian parents in the early aughts, on the goodness of being rational.

They don’t need lesson teachers anymore.

While I had to grapple with the fact that three times a week, my relaxed afternoons of K-Time and Mr Biggs ads would be ruined with the appearance of my perpetually upset lesson teacher, these children don’t necessarily have to go through the same injustice.

Why? Because they have Google and Alexa to ask questions, just look at this child:

Kid Asks Alexa Answer To Maths Homework

This kid is living in the year 3018 😂😂

Posted by UNILAD on Friday, December 21, 2018

Together with step by step Youtube tutorials on everything from Pythagoras Theorem to how to get the perfect woodwork boxes. Where were these tools when I was paying a carpenter to do my intro-tech assignments?

They can check their JAMB score in peace.

Do these children know how good they have it? They won’t have to hide their shame when the cyber-cafe attendant shouts their double digit JAMB score in a crowded room, just imagine.

Now, they can battle with their God and the HB pencil they blessed at mass, in the comfort of their bedrooms when checking their scores.

Must be nice.

Many of these children didn’t get the bicep cardio that came with rewinding video-tapes and it shows.

These days they have Netflix and Hulu to keep them company. I’m not salty, you are.

They probably don’t know what Starcomms is.

Can you imagine a world where you don’t have to wait till 6pm Saturdays and Sundays to give your friends all the gist you’ll repeat on Monday morning anyway?

You don’t have to think too far, these bratty teens with their Whatsapp and their Google Docs give each other head-prefects gist in real time, what is this life?

They don’t know why this was absolutely necessary:

While the game of yesteryear needed a little spittle to get things going, these lucky children don’t even need cartridges, CDs and now even game consoles to get their game fixes. If there’s any justice in the world, us older adults have been severally denied it.

Ask them what this is, and they’ll probably say an illuminated lime or something just as rude.

A whole Patron Saint of the young Nigerian pirate. Our most reliable fix to the elusive world of Anime and HBO that year. These days, these children have dime a dozen torrent sites and Hulu to keep them satisfied. But the true veterans know the stress we went through to know how Naruto went on his quest to be Hokage.

They have Ubers and Taxify. They have options.

These spoilt children will never experience the terror of Nigerian parents dropping them far off from home and having them maneuver their way with public transportation.

Try that and they can just order an Uber or Taxify to take them home safely. Plus, if your parents never did this, please consider yourself lucky, and if they did, I can send my online therapist’s number. 20% discount for the first 3 months.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 7, 2020

“Congratulations, you got the job.” comes with its own brand of anxiety. That’s when imposter syndrome from your village people comes out to visit, asking questions like: “can you perform? how long before they discover that you are a fraud?” There are also other problems more work-related with a new 9-5, especially in Nigeria. So, […]

October 22, 2020

Let’s start here: On the 20th of October, 2020, armed men of the Nigerian army allegedly shot at peaceful protesters in the recent #EndSars movement. It is estimated that at least twelve people were killed in Lagos, and hundred more were injured around Nigeria. In light of this unfortunate and avoidable incident, we decided to […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

May 21, 2022

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.

Recommended Quizzes

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

More from Citizen

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X