I Don’t Know About You, But Growing Up Ruined Christmas

December 25, 2018

Back when I was little, it would have been a little hard to find anyone more excited for Christmas than me. You know how you can tell the owner of Shoprite is just obsessed with Christmas, because they always drop pre-Christmas vibes and put all their decorations up at the stroke of October? Well, that was exactly me, only with the adrenaline of a five-year old.

Christmas clothes- check.

Manipulating parents to put decorations up earlier than was reasonable- check.

Forcing everyone to watch Home Alone with me Christmas day, complete with our Christmas clothes to boot- check, check, check.

I even fought anyone that tried to open presents before Boxing Day. I never really won this one, but no one can say 5-year-old me didn’t put up a fight.

I was obsessed with Christmas, and I never asked it, but I’m pretty sure it was obsessed with me too. But then I turned 9.

Now, while I always knew Christmas was Jesus’ birthday, and there was always a family prayer come the 25th — that was the year I became all too aware that Christmas is hardly for celebration, and instead was ‘a day for sober reflection’ (direct quote from my daddy btw).

Instead of staying home and wasting time watching movies, Christmas should instead be spent at the retreat grounds, chilling with Jesus directly. What is a Home Alone?

So while Christmas mornings usually saw me wolfing down more jollof rice and chicken than a little human being should consume as a matter of health and well-being- by age 9, you could catch baby Boyin at the very front of the church auditorium, Christmas Day- firing and kabashing enemies trying to stand in the way of Common Entrance that year.

A few years down the line, my Christmas spirit had worsened and was at an all- time low. If anybody fired you banger at Deeper Life Camp Ground on Christmas day a number of years ago, sorrry! I was being very performative with my teenage angst, and wanted all the other bad kids at the campground to like me.

Don’t call the police on me, pls dear.

Anyway, after your girl had grown wings and didn’t have to spend Christmas at Church, Christmas rocks took over. And if I’m being honest, I might actually prefer the campgrounds.

These days, once I hear ‘Christmas’, my account balance does the sign of the cross and braces for impact.

Where formerly, our parents carried the full weight of Christmas on their chest, and all we had to do was exist and be cute. These days, I am all too aware of how much Christmas really costs.

Not only do we now have to buy presents for our family and friends, if you leave us in the single fold and jump in a relationship, that’s added gbese for you. Plus February 14th is just around the corner, and you know what that means.

If presents aren’t enough to run you down, the Christmas turn-ups and expenses that come with them are always unending. I’ve already sent a PSA to all my friends. I’m pulling a Daddy Boyin and using this Christmas period for sober reflection.

I still haven’t recovered from last year’s rockies, it’s not me you people will run down.

How do you spend Christmas these days? Do you miss being little and not having to cook the Christmas jollof rice everyone eats? We asked the cast of Nigerians Talk how they feel about the season and got hilarious responses. Watch all of them here:

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