All The Times You Could Have Killed Your Mother

October 2, 2019

I was listening to Nicki Minaj’s “All things go” the other day and the “this life is a movie, but there will never be a sequel” line hit; it’s true, this life no get part two. I’m not writing about our mortality or where we rank in the grand scheme of things; no morbid thoughts this week.

We have been handed our scripts with the plots, story arcs, and all, ready to have the performance of a lifetime.

Nigerian mothers are one of the most colourful characters in this packaged entertainment. Their lines are freaking perfect too; with one-liners, you can’t help but admire. Now that I think about it, it is not so much about the lines, but the delivery.

You must have heard this line, in different variations while growing up:

I DID NOT KILL MY MOTHER, YOU WILL NOT KILL ME.

– All Nigerian Mothers ever.

Flashbacks are effective storytelling techniques in movies, so why don’t we take a stroll to all the probable times you might have heard those recurring lines.

The Time You Broke A Dish

In this movie, mistakes don’t happen, especially not from a kid. You were supposed to get yourself together. And who better to remind you of this, than your mother?

So, all the times you broke a dish or anything, really, you knew your mother was not going to let it go, and for the most part you were right.

But after the series of reprimands, she would slowed down her roll. And she would say the classic lines, “I did not kill my mother, you will not kill me.” She would ask you if you cut yourself later, but you had to think about what you’d done first.

The Time You Lost A Younger Sibling

Your younger siblings came, and your life wasn’t the same anymore. For starters, you became the standard of which their actions were judged. Everything they did was a reflection of your actions. You tried to keep them in control, but they had been given a mischievous character to play, to your chagrin.

Your job description included keeping both eyes on them and tracking every bit of their movement. God help you if you fail in this task. But you did fail on some occasions and you had to admit that you didn’t know where they were.

Of course, your mother didn’t find it amusing and out came the verbal onslaught. When your sibling eventually returned home and after she’d confirmed that they were unhurt, she would cast you one of those looks, followed by the lines you may or may not have been anticipating; I did not kill my mother, you will not kill me.

Ah, this is Timeless: The Time You Let Your Grades Slip

You were an investment; you had to always bring your A-Game everywhere. They could compromise on others, but when it was about your academics, you had to be at your best. Well, there was this time your grades didn’t fit into their idea of excellence.

Your father (another colourful character) didn’t understand how you could let it happen, not when he had an impeccable academic track record . Your mother couldn’t understand it, either, but she wasn’t going to stress herself about it this time. If you didn’t get the memo, she didn’t kill her mother, and there was no way in hell that she was going to let you kill her.

You'll like this

June 21, 2019

What happened this week? Did you finally start that diet? Did you tell your boss to stick it like you’ve been planning for the past 5 months? Did you lose a little weight? Well, I’m sure you have positives to all of these questions and your week had a fair share of doldrum and crazy, […]

December 10, 2019

Being the last child in a family comes with its perks and frustrations. And it also comes with a lot of condescending statements from people who try to define the life of the last child even though they have no idea how it is. Here are some of the things every last born in the […]

June 8, 2016

You focus exclusively on your own composing. You actually need to figure out in the event your manuscript works. The option of theme may guide the following measure that is write essay for me to select your dissertation chairperson. Should be five or more sentences long (1 section ). Writing a document may be a […]

Toheeb

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

October 14, 2019

Pete Edochie, Patience Ozokwor, Chinwetalu Agu, and Segun Arinze are some of the best villains Nollywood have gifted us. These actors mastered the art of playing the bad guys that it would be hella weird if they played anything else. Now, you might just be the one fit to fill their shoes and continue where […]

More from General

June 15, 2020

Schools are pretty much all about lectures, tests, exams, and assignments. Of course, students have a love-hate (mostly) relationships with all of them. Let’s talk about assignments, we will come to the others later. When students have to deal with a new assignment, their thoughts go something like this: 1. This lecturer own is too […]

May 29, 2020

You know, for people who have the hardest time permitting their children to attend sleepovers, inter-state excursions and any program not designed for the church or mosque, Nigerian parents are awfully trusting when their children decide an education abroad is what they want to spend a few years of their lives pursuing. And when it […]

April 24, 2020

The rise of new Nollywood has brought with it a host of exciting new stars like Adesua Etomi, Enyinna Nwigwe and many more. However, one star who never seems to get the due they deserve is the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge. Vey few Nollywood performers are as relentless and as hard-working as the bridge, who, without any […]

April 21, 2020

They say you can’t miss what you never had. (Un) Fortunately for us single pringles, while everyone is collectively worrying about issues like oil prices, practising safe social distancing and lockdown etiquette, we’re excused from worrying about another matter. One of the heart — being apart from your significant other while the coronavirus is contained. […]

April 1, 2020

Brymo — “Strippers + White Lines” Brymo, one of Nigeria’s most acclaimed singer-songwriters, just released his seventh studio album, Yellow, and “Strippers + White Lines” is its astounding lead single. On the Mikkyme Joses-produced track, Brymo sings about his struggles with depression, his unhealthy coping mechanisms and fighting to find the light amidst all the […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X