All The Times You Could Have Killed Your Mother

October 2, 2019

I was listening to Nicki Minaj’s “All things go” the other day and the “this life is a movie, but there will never be a sequel” line hit; it’s true, this life no get part two. I’m not writing about our mortality or where we rank in the grand scheme of things; no morbid thoughts this week.

We have been handed our scripts with the plots, story arcs, and all, ready to have the performance of a lifetime.

Nigerian mothers are one of the most colourful characters in this packaged entertainment. Their lines are freaking perfect too; with one-liners, you can’t help but admire. Now that I think about it, it is not so much about the lines, but the delivery.

You must have heard this line, in different variations while growing up:

I DID NOT KILL MY MOTHER, YOU WILL NOT KILL ME.

– All Nigerian Mothers ever.

Flashbacks are effective storytelling techniques in movies, so why don’t we take a stroll to all the probable times you might have heard those recurring lines.

The Time You Broke A Dish

In this movie, mistakes don’t happen, especially not from a kid. You were supposed to get yourself together. And who better to remind you of this, than your mother?

So, all the times you broke a dish or anything, really, you knew your mother was not going to let it go, and for the most part you were right.

But after the series of reprimands, she would slowed down her roll. And she would say the classic lines, “I did not kill my mother, you will not kill me.” She would ask you if you cut yourself later, but you had to think about what you’d done first.

The Time You Lost A Younger Sibling

Your younger siblings came, and your life wasn’t the same anymore. For starters, you became the standard of which their actions were judged. Everything they did was a reflection of your actions. You tried to keep them in control, but they had been given a mischievous character to play, to your chagrin.

Your job description included keeping both eyes on them and tracking every bit of their movement. God help you if you fail in this task. But you did fail on some occasions and you had to admit that you didn’t know where they were.

Of course, your mother didn’t find it amusing and out came the verbal onslaught. When your sibling eventually returned home and after she’d confirmed that they were unhurt, she would cast you one of those looks, followed by the lines you may or may not have been anticipating; I did not kill my mother, you will not kill me.

Ah, this is Timeless: The Time You Let Your Grades Slip

You were an investment; you had to always bring your A-Game everywhere. They could compromise on others, but when it was about your academics, you had to be at your best. Well, there was this time your grades didn’t fit into their idea of excellence.

Your father (another colourful character) didn’t understand how you could let it happen, not when he had an impeccable academic track record . Your mother couldn’t understand it, either, but she wasn’t going to stress herself about it this time. If you didn’t get the memo, she didn’t kill her mother, and there was no way in hell that she was going to let you kill her.

Toheeb Lanlehin

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

October 25, 2018

As we all know, there has been a long standing battle between ajebutters and ajepakos Now, while the jury is still out on just what makes you butter or pako; like where exactly do you belong if anointing oil doubles as your body cream, or which place do we put you if you see a […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

April 10, 2021

With almost two years of being in existence, Sex Life has grown while staying true to its goal of exploring the sex lives of Nigerians. In the last one year and five months since Sex Life was created, we’ve spoken to about eighty Nigerians who are at different places in their lives, with different orintentations, […]

prayer house
April 10, 2021

As told to Mariam I travelled to Ilorin for an exam last week and on the bus, I rode in, I met Yoma*. Somehow the conversation of faith came up, and she told me she didn’t subscribe to the Christianity practised in churches. When I asked why, this is what she told me: I grew […]

April 9, 2021

You’re at a job interview, answering all the questions and feeling yourself when the one person that hasn’t spoken throughout the meeting suddenly asks, “Why should we hire you?” If you’ve ever been in this situation and you didn’t know what to say, we’re sorry we didn’t write this earlier. Here are some of the […]

April 9, 2021

If you have ever considered getting into spoken word poetry and you did not know how to go about it, we are here for you. Just remember us when you blow. 1) Use burial music There is no spoken word performance without proper burial music. You might try to switch it up and use church […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

More from General

February 19, 2021

Last weekend was truly a celebration of love as Union Bank x BellaNaija Weddings made dreams come true with a free surprise proposal for one couple and an all-expenses-paid wedding for another couple!  And just like that. Notey Akpotive and Obiora Chibuzor are now onestep closer to their happily ever after, thanks to Union Bank x BellaNaija Weddings […]

December 1, 2020

December 1st is World AIDS Day. It is a day to raise awareness about AIDS. We spoke to Doctor Opeyemi, to tell us some facts about the disease, common misconceptions and how to care for people living with AIDS. 1) AIDS AIDS (Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome) is the late stage manifestation of the viral infection […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X