You’re going for your cousin’s wedding in Osogbo and you need a ride, but your uncle’s car is full. You decide to use public transportation so you go to a park and enter “Osun by Car”. It’s the best you can find. Here’s a list of all the people you’ll meet on that ride.
1. The Preacher
With his loud voice, he’ll pop out of nowhere and stand outside the car to scare you about hell and the fact that anyone can die at anytime (especially on long bus rides). Then he’ll pray for you not to die. You can see that he’s bullshitting but since everyone is saying “amen” you have have to join so they won’t think you’re the devil
Oh…and what’s church without offering?
2. The Driver
Now that the bus is full, he’ll give you a form to fill with the details of your next of kin in case something bad happens. He’s smiling and gisting with his friends. He seems friendly until he starts collecting money and can’t find change. He’ll tries to kill you multiple times with his driving and when anyone complains, he’ll tell them to come and collect the steering from him since they know how to drive.
3. The Sleeper
He’ll sit by the window, and will start sleeping first with his head leaning against the window, but if you’re unlucky, on your shoulder. Once you’re out of the park, he’s gone. Till you reach your destination (or he nods himself awake, looks round and continues sleeping).
4. The Buyer
This person will buy everything they see on the road; slippers, mouse catcher, USB cable, anything. After some time, they’ll mutter the reason they’re buying it to themselves, only slightly loud enough for the person sitting beside them to hear, just to avoid judgement.
5. The Eater
This journey is a picnic for this person. He will eat such a wide range of foods, you’ll begin to wonder how healthy it is to eat all of that on the same stomach. He’ll start with LaCasera and Gala and you’ll think everything is normal until 30 minutes he whips out a cooler of amala and ewedu to eat with the snail meat he just bought from traffic.
If you smell anything foul, it’s them.
6. The Baby
He looks cute but you know the evil he can cause. Once he gets hungry or uncomfortable that’s the end of peace in that bus. Even his mother is tired. She’ll try to get you to carry him by saying something like “Aunty please help me hold your brother small let me check something from my bag”
You’ll be holding that child for the next hour.
7. The Pessimist
This person will relate every problem they see to something bigger in Nigeria. They know all the coded gist about why that billboard in the middle of nowhere is bent because the government stole all the money and plan to kill us if we talk about it.
8. The Movie Guy
He’ll whip out his android device, plug in his earphones (hopefully) and begin to watch Chinese movies. He’s a chill guy, he doesn’t disturb anybody.
9. The Caller
This guy is steady making and receiving calls. Someone is always checking on him to find out where he is and he’s always asking the driver “where we don reach?” and the other person he’s constantly talking to is a family member who is on his side of the family drama which you now know all the details of.