6 Things You Do As A Nigerian That Proves You Are Paranoid

December 3, 2019

Nigerians are a paranoid group and our minds have been conditioned to be on high alert all the time because anything can go wrong at any time. If you are not sure you qualify as a Nigerian anymore, take a look at this list and see if they sound strange to you.

You find money on the floor and think someone is planning to turn you into a food item or an animal

You will never be caught taking a naira note you find in your path. A part of your mind is telling you what the money will do for you, but another part is screaming about how someone is lurking in the shadows, waiting for you to pick the money so you can turn into a yam or a goat. It’s actually not your fault; we blame Nollywood.

You eat in a dream and you think your village people are out to get you

As far as you’re concerned, this is a testament to the fact that your village people are working overtime to send some tribulation your way. The first thing you check is if your stomach is still in the normal circumference and if the food you ate isn’t beginning to choke you.

You never collect change from beggars

Not Today Satan GIF by TV Guide - Find & Share on GIPHY

You don’t collect change from beggars, not because you have the purest of minds. You don’t do this because you’re not sure what kind of money the beggar has in their bowl.

You see a black cat or bird at night and go on an emotional overdrive

For starters, you think all cats and some species of birds are evil. They are evil shapeshifters on a mission wreak havoc in people’s lives. You can barely handle the sight of them during the day. Now, if you see them at night or worse, if they find their ways into your house, something is definitely wrong and you need the blood of Jesus to fight them.

When someone brushes past you in a market and doesn’t turn back to apologise

Black Man Confused GIF by ScooterMagruder - Find & Share on GIPHY

Ah, this reeks of danger if you’re a guy. The person could be on a mission to gather penises for a grand sacrifice. So you grab your crotch while the person is still in full view to confirm you haven’t lost this ‘vital’ part of yourself. You know it’s stupid but better to be safe than sorry.

The driver of the bus takes another route and you wonder if you’re being transported to a kidnapper’s den

You begin to glance furtively around the bus. You see that everyone is chilled out, but this doesn’t calm you; they are probably part of the kidnapping ring and you may very well be on your way to a den. You let Google Maps calm you down a little as you wait for the driver to make another “wrong turn” before you scream your lungs out for help.

Toheeb Lanlehin

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