Everybody Returning To Their Work Spouse, We See You!

May 5, 2020

Any other day, we’d cuss you out for not grabbing life by the balls and making your work spouse into your real-life S.O, but it’s May 5th, the second day of the corona purge and we’re really all for everyone ticking bucket list items and doing all that makes them happy before our inevitable end comes around.

Only a few hours before, you got reunited with the only person from work whose emails you don’t ignore. That one person you checked in with every day for the last 30 whatever days, making sure they’re doing okay with the kids and all; you know how rowdy their three-year-old gets… The fourth really was with you.

Because we’re ones to let our imaginations run wild, we’ve been super keen, picturing how your reuniting went. We’re so sure we plotted it right, we made a list of events as they played out step by step:

When you land at the car park in the morning and do a quick scan for their car.

When you land at the car park in the morning and do a quick scan for their car.

They’re not at work yet, you hope he isn’t stuck in too much traffic.

You get upstairs and scan across to her cubicle to see if she’s around somehow. “Maybe she took the staff bus” you hope.

Ugh. How long will she take? You don’t want your shirt to catch a crease before she arrives.

How you look across the elevator to see if he’s the one stepping off.

‘Not him’, ‘not him’, ‘ah thank God Chidinma finally took out those braids oh’.

Your heart skipping a beat when you catch her with the side of your eye, exiting the elevator.

You quickly look down when you notice she’s walking towards you.

How you fake shock when he finally makes it to your seat. He takes out your earphones, his hands lingering a little on your earlobe.

‘Ooh, did you just come in? I didn’t even see You’

She explains she was catching up with Joy in HR to see how she liked the online church yesterday.

You nod, she looks just as cute as did on facetime last night.

You both plan to have lunch together

You both pretend you haven’t been looking forward to this moment since the start of the lockdown.

Almost closing time and you go to ‘check on’ Damilola. His seat happens to be adjacent to hers.

After two and a half seconds at his seat, you slide to the vacant seat she always manages to keep waiting for you.

You talk a little. He tells you about having only noodles to eat for later today. You can’t believe the injustice

‘I could bring you lunch tomorrow.’ ‘I hope your girlfriend won’t beat me sha.’

But you both know there’s no girlfriend, it’s just a little game you both play. Little nasty asses.

Boyin Plumptre

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