We Created A Handy Guide To Spotting The Typical Nigerian Politician

February 12, 2020

Today, we’ll be observing the Nigerian politician in his natural habitat ⁠— an overpriced state house whose renovation, running into the millions of dollars is probably on the books for the state’s annual budget.

If you’ve never known what to look out for with a Nigerian politician, you’re in luck, we made a whole list of things to look out for:

How to spot a Nigerian politician by his leadership abilities.

Has a 16-year itch or perhaps a 5-year itch, depending on the political party they belong to.

Trust a Nigerian politician to heap blame at everyone but himself when his office faces shortcomings. Can’t fix a simple road? Blame the guys that had the job 16 years ago. No longer in power? Blame the guys that currently have the job for any drawbacks.

You might find the Nigerian politician unknowledgeable in the position they hold.

But don’t fret. The fate of millions/thousands isn’t such a serious affair that it can’t be learnt on the job. Get that stick out of your derriere.

If you’re a woman in Nigerian politics, excluding senatorial/ representative roles, you’ll probably be placed in a token position.

Women leader, deputy governor, chair lady of some committee etc. Options, options.

Physical features.

Will most likely have a potbelly. 

That’s what happens when you skip the daily cardio chasing the poor public transportation systems the citizens in your ward/state have to face. Being chauffeured everywhere will do that to you.

Any attempts at physical fitness will be televised.

It’s in the politician’s handbook.

You might spot them in ankara fabrics.

But that’s only during campaign szn.

That’s not to say they don’t kill it in local attire.

But they’ll probably switch it up for the gram and dress in westernised clothing abroad.

Health conditions.

The Nigerian politician suffers from so many conditions, we’re almost worried:

Suffers from a condition that causes him to go into a slumber after every election, only to be awakened by the smell of ankara fabrics with imprinted faces on them, 4 years after.

It’s a real medical condition, he will only awaken right before election season. Seek help early if this is you.

The politician is also prone to a serious fit of laughter whenever the president is near.

91 million Nigerians living in poverty must be hilarious.

If you think that’s bad, you should know about the case of arbitrariness most Nigerian politicians suffer from.

It’s what causes politicians to cast hardworking citizens out of their homes with little notice, and why the dissembling of markets if fair game to them as well.

But perhaps the worst is the yearly dementia Nigerian politicians face.

This is what prevents him from planing ahead for cyclical issues affecting his state/local government like say flooding, erosion, collapsed buildings, fires etc.

What did we miss? Let us know.

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