Capitalism Wrapped: How’s Your Work Life Been This Year?

December 7, 2022

Capitalism has had all of us in a chokehold for decades, but in 2022, it was finally ready to kill us. Or is it just me? This year was one hell of a stressful year in terms of work, and I’m glad we survived it.

If we were to do a capitalism version of Spotify wrapped, this is what your work year most likely looked like.

Let’s break down the metrics:

You fake called in sick 700 times 

Only you has had cancer, laringitis, HPV, tuberculosis, flu, migraines and morning sickness all in one year. My prayer for you is that you don’t get any of these sicknesses in real life.

You spent 618,000 minutes engaging in office gossip 

No office gist passed you by this year. It’s you who knew the real reason Emeka got fired and that Awele used client money to buy wig. If only you were this invested in your work. 

You ignored your colleagues on Slack 435 times

This year, you became best in airing. Anytime someone mentioned you or sent an email, you ignored them with your full chest.

You spent 870,000 minutes crying in the bathroom 

Work really showed you shege this year because you cried your eyes out. All those times work wanted to choke you, when your boss forgot you’re a human being with one head and two hands just like them, you’d run to your special bathroom stall and shed tears of frustration.   

You registered for four professional courses and took none 

You told yourself you wanted to advance in your career, so you decided to register for professional courses related to your field. This was in February. End of the year has come, and you’ve not started one lesson. Career advancement in the mud; we try again next year. 

Your top moment was when they told everyone to work from home 

That one special day Nigeria was being Nigeria through fuel scarcity, your boss told everyone to avoid the awful traffic and work from home. You got an extra hour of sleep that day. How magical. 

You spent 50,000 minutes thinking about your work crush 

Instead of focusing on your work, you were busy breaking office rules and flirting with your office crush. That’s how you ended up doing work that doesn’t concern you. Later, you’ll say it’s your village people that stopped you from moving forward in life. 

You wanted to cuss out your boss 32,000 times 

Too many times this year have you wanted to cuss out your boss in very colourful language. But you had to bite your tongue instead of biting the fingers that fed you. 

You threatened to quit your job 600 times 

At every inconvenience or stress, your go-to line was, “Abeg, I’m tired. I’m not doing again. I quit”, until you remembered that outside is expensive and job hunting is a bitch in this country. 

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