Most Nigerian parent-child relationships are pretty straightforward. Here’s a typical conversation in the average Nigerian home between a parent and a child:
Parent: Do what I say.
Because the child doesn’t want to get thrown out of the house.
But variety, they say, is the spice of life. Sometimes, things need to be shaken up. As a child in a Nigerian home, it is your responsibility to challenge the status quo and keep things exciting by subtly giving your parents the middle finger. Here are a few ways you can do that.
1) Get a tattoo
Get one really large tattoo or a lot of small tattoos that cover so much exposed surface area that they know your chances of getting employed are close to zero.
2) Tell them you’re dropping out of school to follow your passion.
Make it even better by declaring that your passion is something wildly unorthodox (at least by Nigerian standards) or terribly cliche like rapper or porn star.
3) Tell them you’re gay.
4) Tell them you don’t plan on getting married.
“Because hoe is life, Mother!”
5) Tell them you don’t plan on having kids.
“Something is REALLY wrong with you! YOU BETTER GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN!!”
6) Spike the family dinner with weed.
Or replace the cooking salt with cocaine and record the hilarious hijinks that’ll ensue after consumption.
7) Tell them you’re now an atheist.
“My child is going to hell!”
8) Tell them you want to change your last name because it sounds like the noise a blender makes.
“So Gbajimiamila is suddenly too hard to pronounce abi? Get out of my house!”
9) Tell them you got someone pregnant.
“Because I ain’t raising no babies!