Sometimes, it’s hard to let things to. Closure can mean different things for different people. No matter what you’re seeking closure from, it’s usually an emotional experience.
We asked Nigerians what they think about getting closure. Here’s what they had to say:
I think getting closure is necessary. The way I am, I need to settle scores. If I don’t get closure, no matter how little, I won’t be at peace and I won’t be able to get into another relationship. Even if I somehow got into another relationship, my mind wouldn’t be there fully because my emotions are still tied to being with another person. To me, that relationship has not ended. No matter how a relationship ends, closure is absolutely necessary.
Closure is a double-edged sword with no handle, so no matter how you grab it, you’ll get hurt. The way I like to approach it is with the question: Why am I going back to the person who broke my heart to explain why they broke my heart? Find your healing somewhere else, not from the person who put you in that situation in the first place?
The only way I’d advice people to get closure is through sex. If you can have one last dance with the person and move on, you’ll be fine. Better still though, sleep with someone who is better in bed than them. You will be utterly disgusted you let emotions lie to you about their sexual prowess.
Getting closure is overrated. What if you let out all that you feel your ex should have done to help make the relationship work, and all they say is “Hmmmmm”? What if your ex refuses to hear you out because they don’t care about your mental health? What if you want to move on after the closure but all you get is them making you feel guilty for all they think you did wrong in the relationship?
I think it’s best to move on after a breakup. Just evaluate all that happened in the past relationship and promise yourself to do better.
Getting closure helps you move on easily and also work on becoming better. If you realize you were a nag in the relationship, it helps you work on that aspect of your life and become better. It also helps you see from the other person’s point of view.
When I as in university, I had a boyfriend. I was so in love with him. He was everything wonderful. He called me every time and he listened to me, but all of a sudden, after 6 months he started to give me an attitude. I was heartbroken for nineteen months because I’d never felt that way about anyone since my high school crush. I’d wake up with a sunken heart because I was used to getting calls and texts from him.
So I spoke to him and decided that I wanted to know what went wrong. He spoke to me in an unkind manner but I was able to understand what happened.
I got to understand that I asked a lot of questions and he didn’t like it. I wanted to talk to him every time and so he felt like I was nagging and controlling. I was only trying to be a good girlfriend. So getting to find out these were the reasons made me change my approach to life. Moving on didn’t come easily initially, but it came, and when it did, it came with a lot of emotional intelligence.
After some time, he sent me an invite to his wedding. He’d been dating the person he was getting married to for the past 10 years.
I firmly do not believe in closure. Humans will disappoint you.
Closure is important because it helps you move on, but it’s not necessary because sometimes no matter how hard you try, you don’t get it. And you have to find a way to move on regardless, even though the healing time would be significantly longer.
I still don’t think you can really move on without closure. You can just try your best to forget. I still find myself going back to things that happened almost 5-7 years ago, wishing I could talk to the other person but I can’t.
I think people overestimate the need for closure from other people. I believe closure is putting an end to a situation and closing that chapter. Everyone should be able to give themselves closure.
I know that sometimes we want to have answers, to know why the situation didn’t work out and the other person can answer that. But what if they don’t want to? What if they are dead?
We shouldn’t require somebody else to give us closure. No one else should have the power to close that chapter for you. It is your life and only you should be able to say, “I’m done with this situation”.
Even apart from in romantic relationships, it’s important to get closure on any important aspect of your life you need to move on from. Closure is about getting answers. Sometimes, it’s a profound answer. Sometimes, it’s as simple as “It is what it is”.
Sometimes, closure can also be dangerous because the information you get can hurt you. Imagine finding out that the reason a good aspect of your life has to come to an end is because of some really stupid shit you did that you shouldn’t have. It just adds to the pain until you’re able to come to the “It is what it is” point.
Closure is important, but it’s not necessary. Sometimes, “It is what it is” is enough.
Names have been changed for anonymity.