If you intend to run for a political office in your university, we have helpful tips for you. Follow them and watch how things will fall in place for you.
1. Start by dressing corporately.
This is the only way to prove your seriousness. It’s a thing of dressing the way you want to be addressed. While your course mates dress like pop stars and failed Nollywood starlets, you should rock suits and leather shoes with starched shirts. Don’t mind the heat. Your ambition comes first.
2. Choose a political name.
Go for something short and punchy: SERENDIPITY. ASTUTE. PROVIDENCE. PUNDIT. You can shorten your government name too. Funke to FUNKY, Kehinde to KENZO, Idowu to IDOWEST.
3. Display your admirable humility.
How do you display this? By greeting people. Greet 100 level students, 200 level students to final year students. Greet the traders and the security men. Go out of your way to shake hands and tell them IDOWEST is the name. Let them know you’re humble, that it was humility that followed you out of your mother’s womb, not placenta. When you get into office, you will show them pepper, but not now.
4. Organise tutorials.
Wahala for politician that does not know how to organise tutorials oh. Omo, it’s a give and take business. You need votes, they need knowledge. Demand meets supply. You don’t even need to know book. Just gather them together and confuse them with vocabulary and stories of how lecturers are evil. When you’re done, tell them, “Don’t forget to vote IDOWEST. IDOWEST is the name.”
5. Now, work on visibility.
How do you push yourself in people’s faces? How do you make your name their chewing stick? Odikwa very simple.
a) Pally with course reps and beg them to add you to their class group chats. When you’re there, kill them with motivational quotes. Eg: When you perspire to aspire, you rewire to refire and require to retire. IDOWEST wishes you a lovely day.
b) Print stickers and paste them everywhere: cafeteria, bus and taxi cabs, on trees, on buildings. IDOWEST welcomes you back on campus. IDOWEST wishes you a fulfilling second semester. IDOWEST says you should not choke on your food. IDOWEST cares for you.
6. Your manifesto should be something bogus.
Bogus = something you know you can’t achieve. Promise to renovate the university library. Promise that in your tenure, the dress code will be reviewed to allow students wear show-me-your-back and coloured attachments. 100 level picnic will be held at Eko Hotel. Nicki Minaj will be at the final year dinner. The idea is to dazzle them. Start with “Of the greatest gba-gba.” If they respond with “Gba!” then you’re on the right track.
7. Of course you will win.
And that’s when you will show them the true you. Who or what that “true you” is, it is up to you to decide. But we know you’re not a good person. No dey disguise for us.
Valentine’s Day is long past, but this one will make you laugh:
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