Most Nigerians have been in situations where they have to house a friend or stranger for an extended period of time. During which, they have to play host. Sometimes, this experience ends up being anything but pleasant. From guests who don’t like to flush to those with no personal boundaries, these 7 Nigerians share their worst hosting experience with squatters.
During my undergrad days, my friend took in a squatter based on the recommendation of a mutual friend. The agreement was that she would stay a few days. WEEKS later, the chick had already made herself at home with no signs of leaving. She wrecked the kitchen and invited a random guy to the house. To top it off, she sent my friend and me out of the apartment so she could knack. I strongly blame my friend’s mother Theresa complex for this incident.
We were at university. This guy had his own room but insisted on staying in ours. He never attended classes, I’d go for lectures and come back and he’d be in the same spot playing GTA. People got curious about his department but the story changes every time. At first, it was Med/Surg, then he started saying he had a problem with his WAEC g and that it was actually Radiology he had gotten. Then eventually it changed to Geology. The problem was he never attended classes. The only day I saw this guy with a book was when he tore out some pages to take a shit. This isn’t an exaggeration at all. There was a unanimous consensus to evict him. He resisted at first until we threatened him with school security.
Last year, a friend’s friend stayed at my place for 2 weeks. She was very disorganised, never kept things back in their place. As per visitor, I never complained. One day, she left the house and forgot to lock the door. I came back to meet my door open. I was super mad at her. After that incident, she stopped talking to me and started eating out. She eventually left without saying anything to me.
In school, a friend and I got an apartment together. When moving in, a former roommate of ours complained about having accommodation issues. She said she just needed a place to stay until she can sort things out. Apparently, she was having issues with the person she was currently staying with. I don’t know why we ignored this huge red flag. We left a spare key with her, worst mistake. Every time we went out and came back, we saw more of her belongings. This wasn’t the plan at all.
Eventually, she had her things littered everywhere in small black bags. It didn’t help that she had poor hygiene. The stench from her clothes was very corpse-like. When we couldn’t take, we asked her to leave. She made a scene, crying and trying to guilt us. Even if we wanted to keep her, the smell from her clothes and herself was unbearable. She eventually left without her things. We had to find a place outside to keep them for her. When we graduated, we heard she came back for her things.
Because she had a spare key, she moved her stuff back into the empty house (the landlord had not yet locked the house) until the landlord chased her out.
I once housed a “friend” she didn’t believe in flushing the toilet after taking a dump. She would shit and full everywhere and leave it there for someone to witness. It was absolutely disgusting. Ended up leaving the house for her until she sorted out her issue and moved. Didn’t want to deal with all that shit, literally.
All through school, my bunkmate brought squatters to the room. I was always up bunk so at night when I had to jump down to use the ladies room, I’d end up stepping on someone. One particular bunkmate brought in a squatter and it was hell. Both of them would get drunk in the afternoon and do weird shit like piercing their tongues or lock someone in her room and beat her up. They were even taken to school prison but they came back yelling that they were now ex-convicts. They even had gist about prison life and inmates. One day, I got really stressed out and yelled at them. They threatened to poison my water and “Spoil my fine girl”. I was so afraid that I had to call my mom and give her their names and reg numbers.
I have so many squatters tales. Is it the time that someone was squatting with me and using my personal items. I’m not a big fan, cause I use my stuff judiciously and I’m quite big on boundaries, but I grew up among siblings, so I tolerate it to a reasonable extent.
That wasn’t the main problem. My babe at the time got me some items as a birthday gift. A shirt & a pair of shoes.
The next day, This guy who was fond of using my things without my permission tears the label off the new shirt and shoes. It rained that day and he was soaked. I came back home and met the suede loafers in bad condition. They weren’t built for that kind of weather. My new shirt was also worn out and wet. Kept thinking why did this guy launch my gifts before me? I was too weak to do anything else but rant. Oga then told me I was overreacting. “Boys will be boys” was how we settled it. Toxic piece of shit. Whoever made up that phrase needs to die.
Bonus: Larry, Male
There was another one that brought a babe to my house and when I got home, she refused to leave. I had to wait like a fugitive in one corner until I slept off. I just wanted to freshen up after a long day. Another that brought babe to my house and told her that I am the squatter.
For more stories like this, read How I quit working with the Canadian government to do community service in Nigeria.