5 Responses That Can Kill Any Chat

May 27, 2019

The fun thing about this is that it works for two groups of people.

In today’s world, where the early stages of courting almost always happen over the internet, have you found yourself being constantly ghosted by potential significant others after chatting via text for a while?


Are you someone who keeps getting hit up (via chat) by people you don’t like but you can’t possibly bring yourself to let them know that you’d rather swallow a fistful of fish bones than go out with them so you keep responding to them nicely, even though you know that they’re taking your willingness to respond as a green light?

If your answer to either of those questions was yes, scream yippee-ki-yay because it’s your lucky day. Based on experience, I’ve made this list of chat responses/behaviours that are surefire conversation killers.

Of all the passive aggressive ways to express agreement or acceptance in written form, this is the absolute worst. Someone will propose something in as much as ten lines, expecting an enthusiastic response from you and the best you can do is respond with “k.”

Are you mad?

What does this even mean? How does one move on from here in a conversation? How is this a proper response to anything other when you’re being sexually stimulated? Someone once did this to me and after I was like “uh..wot?,” he said it meant “thinking.”

So, your head isn’t enough for your thoughts that you now have to think via text too?

Are you mad?

Do you understand how infuriating it is when you construct a joke YOU KNOW would’ve won you first place at Night at the Apollo and send it to someone and then after like five minutes, they reply with “Lol?”

Are you mad?!

A lot of brain power went into that joke. Show some respect and USE A FUCKING EMOJI!

Other Person: “I had a sandwich for lunch today.”

You: “Wow”

Other Person: “Work today was mad stressful.”

You: “Wow”

Other Person: “I punched my boss in the throat today because I was so stressed and he kept bitching about some shit so he waited for me in the parking lot after work and ran me over twice with his van. My right leg has been amputated and I’m currently on the wait list for a new kidney because both of mine ruptured in the accident.”

You: Wow.

Do you see what’s wrong here or should I keep going?

This one is more of an attitude than it is a response.

Sis (and I mean that in a gender-neutral way), you gotta show the other person that you’re interested in the conversation. Say shit. Contribute. I get that not everyone is spontaneous and that constantly thinking up interesting things to say can be hard. But here’s a trick I recently learned:

Pay close attention to what the other person is saying and ask good follow up questions. Here’s a thread on Twitter that explains this in detail.

Use all the information I just dispensed how ever you want.

You’re welcome.

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