27 Things Men Do In Bed That Women ABSOLUTELY Hate

August 6, 2015

Hello there!

And to all the men who have been gravely misled by Esquire magazine, welcome to your roast.

We all know guys have strong opinions, seriously tough ones, about women’s sexual performance, but we have news for you. Women have got some – not at all nice – things to say about you men, too.

Yesterday, a blessed soul made a Twitter call for women to air your dirty laundry and boy, did it stink!

This is women not-subtly-at-all telling you to stop doing all the annoying stuff you think they enjoying (They do NOT).

So guys, here are 27 things you need to learn about sex with women:

1. It’s not a jar of candy, stop trying to put your whole hand inside.

What are you waving at? Are you the queen of England?

2. Orgasms are not charity. Put your back into the work.

Go on, lick!

3. All women are not the same.

I feel like that goes without saying.

4. Not dishes, stop scrubbing.

LMAO! No chewing. Why do I even have to tell you this?

5. Down there? Not a red wine stain. Gently please.


6. You’re not going to strike gold, please stop hammering.

Are you trying to break ground?

7. It’s not a kettle you rub for magical favours.

Some action required.

8. Who messed you up?

Answer’s probably no, but please ask.

9. This isn’t a board game.


10. It’s not football, no commentary needed.


11. LMAO! No Lizard flicks.


12. When women say “just like that”, they actually mean “just like that”.

Not faster, not slower, JUST LIKE THAT!

13. Let me just go buy batteries, my friend.

Why are you now here?

14. Make a sound if you’re still alive – or enjoying it. Ugh!

Don’t throw your girl into a state of confusion.

15. This is not a drainage, you garbage person!

Yes, we know it will get there anyway. Just don’t spit.

16. No “trial and error” before I backhand you.

You’re going to have to get the “okay” first before you put it in the back.

17. You’re not Leonardo Di Caprio. Get your head back down.

Warm up session’s not over.

18. Remember the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it”?

Well, yeah. No one screams for vanilla.

19. You’re not Barney Stinson.

I repeat, you’re not Barney Stin… never mind.

20. And it’s not Shawarma.

Don’t go swallowing someone’s pride.

21. Just… NO.

That would feel like being nudged by a dog. Not sexual at all. In case you were wondering.

22. This is not okay.

You literally came and left through the back.

23. There are no stress balls on a woman’s body.

Also your mouth is not a fan.

24. Not a musical instrument.


25. Come on, leave it as you met it.

It’s the least you can do.

26. Ridiculous.

I can’t.

27. Go hard or go home.


All puns intended.



The women have spoken. No need for mock outrage or feelings of guilt, guys. Just do better.

So please tell us… what are the very worst thing men have done to you in bed?

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