What She Said: My Ex-Boyfriend Stalked Me For Three Years

| Her
January 6, 2021

Dating as a woman in any part of the world can be a wild range of experiences. For the 29-year-old Nigerian woman in this story, the dating wasn’t the weird part. It was everything from the breakup — from stalking to threatening her with her nudes. In today’s What She Said, she tells us about that experience.

So how did you two meet?

It’s not a big, fancy story. We met while I was still in university. I was 17 years old and he was 24. I went for a party, we talked and became friends. It’s not like we had much in common; he was just very interesting to talk to and it felt like we had similar views. We started dating when I turned 18. He said he wanted me to be “legal” before we started dating. 

Was he also in the university? 

No. He finished his master’s the year before we met. He was working when we met. .

So what was the relationship like? 

It was great, I guess. We didn’t have a lot of fights and we saw each other quite often. He would take me out, take my friends out, send me pocket money, etc. It was quite one-sided in the beginning. He used to spend a lot on me, and I couldn’t always reciprocate in that way. However, after I finished university, that changed. 

How long did you date for? 

I think six years. We broke up when I found out that he had another girlfriend — his best friend who knew me and was sort of friends with me. I found out a few days after they got engaged. He told me quite casually that he wanted to move on and something about me not being marriage material. Apparently, for about the length of time we were together, he was also dating her. He didn’t see it as a big deal. I don’t know why I didn’t notice because, in hindsight, they were pretty close. He often slept over at her place in the name of “it’s close to my office”, and she took him out a lot. I didn’t suspect because “best friends”. I have a best friend too, and I know how close we are. 

Wow. That’s horrible. What did he mean you weren’t marriage material though? 

You know, I’m not exactly sure. I think it was just an excuse to break up with me. One thing I’d add is that we never talked about marriage while we were dating, so him saying I wasn’t marriage material was a bit of shock. Also maybe because I didn’t use to cook for him whenever he came over to my house. I dunno sha. 

How did you handle the breakup? 

I was heartbroken and was hiding it from everyone at first, but it appeared that everyone knew they were dating. A mutual friend actually came to me and said, “Ahn, but we thought you knew. We thought you guys were in some sort of polyamorous relationship.” Even some of my friends knew but didn’t know how to tell me. That for me was more heartbreaking. 

I’m sorry. So when did the stalking start or when did you notice? 

It started a few months after we broke up. I think three months. I had just started dating someone new and was quite enthused about the relationship. This time, we had a lot more in common and were in the same age range. 

The day I posted a picture of me and my new boyfriend online, I noticed that some random account on Twitter was favouriting all my photos. Not just the recently posted ones. The account went as far back as a year. I ignored it because I assumed it was all those random bots. Then I started getting DMs from another anonymous account who said that they had my nudes and would deal with me. I didn’t used to take/send any nudes back then. I was pretty much a prude, haha. I actually humoured him because in my head, I didn’t have any nudes. I kept calling his bluff. Then one day, he sent me a picture of the nude, and it was me! That was when I knew it was my ex. 

Wait, what? How? 

Pictures he must have taken while I was asleep or while we were together and I didn’t know. All I know is I didn’t consent to having any of those pictures taken. That was just how I knew he was the one. I hadn’t been with anyone else, so it had to be him. I tried reaching out to him, but he wouldn’t pick my calls or respond to my texts. One of my friends told me to block the account. I was skeptical at first, but it was causing a lot of grief and affecting my relationship and work. I blocked him. I was shocked every day I woke up and my nudes were not on the TL. 

But wasn’t he married? Why was he doing this? Did he want anything from you? 

He never said. For a bit I didn’t hear from him again. Then I started getting DMs from random Twitter accounts and random questions on ask.fm, which is what curious cat is now, saying that they wanted to fuck me or “after all I did for you, how dare you betray me”. He kept finding ways to infiltrate my Twitter. I had to close my Twitter account when it became too much. I made some of my other social accounts private and stopped posting my information online. But that didn’t stop him. 

What happened next? 

For a few months, nothing. Then he became quite brazen. I would see him in public places. There was a time I noticed him at a party I went to. I left the party with my partner without saying a word. At this point, I was afraid of what he’d do if we ever, somehow, were alone. For some time, I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t live alone, I couldn’t go home alone. I was constantly afraid he was following me. However, I wanted to know why he was stalking me. 

Did you ever find out why? 

I have a theory that he wasn’t happy I moved on quickly after he broke up with me. He felt like he owned me. Some of the messages he sent me were framed that way. 

Did you receive any support? 

Support wetin? In the middle of all of this, the boyfriend I dated right after the stalker broke up with me — for separate reasons — so I was alone. I tried to talk to a police uncle and he laughed and said it’s a free world, anyone could go anywhere they wanted to go and could type anything they wanted online. At that point, I knew it was no use talking to anyone, especially mutual friends, about it. They’d say it was a coincidence. 

That sucks. How did it end? 

I don’t know I just know that I haven’t seen him or gotten any weird threats from him in a while. 

How does that feel? 

I won’t say relieved because I’m still always on the lookout, always watching my back. It’s incredibly stressful. 

As this in any way affected your relationships? 

I’m basically afraid to date, but even more afraid to break up because I’m scared that they’ll stalk me. Eventually though, I know this will pass and I will have the guts to face my ex and ask him why or maybe deal with him. I don’t know. 

For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Sexual Harassment Nigeria
March 5, 2020

We don’t talk enough about workplace sexual harassment, and because we don’t talk about it, we don’t know what to do when it happens. It’s important to be properly armed with knowledge as a working woman in Nigeria. That’s why we’re sharing some tips on what to do when you face workplace sexual harassment. Get […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

December 5, 2022

After two months of back and forth, we’re pleased to announce the presidential candidate of the Labour Party (LP), Peter Obi, has finally released his manifesto! The manifesto has attracted mixed reactions from fans and haters alike since Obi announced the 72-page document on December 4, 2022. But, what exactly is the content of this […]

Recommended Quizzes

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

More from Her

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X