As a recently involuntarily retired teen (ignore what my birth certificate says), it pains me to no end that my excitable parents refused to wait a year or ten before deciding they needed an extra bundle of joy in 1993.
This is because teens of nowadays, those lucky bastards that didn’t have to suffer the indignities of triple-tapping their phones in the middle of Economics class to produce one letter, or having to wait a turn on the family computer, only spend 30 minutes on the WorldWideWeb before getting bounced — well, they’re living the life us geriatrics were very rudely deprived of.
My fellow oldies might be unaware of just how well these guys have it, so I decided to do the Lord’s work and put my jealousy on display. For your viewing pleasure and disdain, here’s a list of all the ways Nigerian teenagers have it so much better than their older forebears:
This isn’t a Nigerian home staple anymore.
Teenagers are getting punished with time-outs and rational discussions on the consequences of their actions. If I wasn’t so impressed with the emotional progress Nigerian parents are making, I would throw arms with whoever didn’t think to educate Nigerian parents in the early aughts, on the goodness of being rational.
They don’t need lesson teachers anymore.
While I had to grapple with the fact that three times a week, my relaxed afternoons of K-Time and Mr Biggs ads would be ruined with the appearance of my perpetually upset lesson teacher, these children don’t necessarily have to go through the same injustice.
Why? Because they have Google and Alexa to ask questions, just look at this child:
Together with step by step Youtube tutorials on everything from Pythagoras Theorem to how to get the perfect woodwork boxes. Where were these tools when I was paying a carpenter to do my intro-tech assignments?
They can check their JAMB score in peace.
Do these children know how good they have it? They won’t have to hide their shame when the cyber-cafe attendant shouts their double digit JAMB score in a crowded room, just imagine.
Now, they can battle with their God and the HB pencil they blessed at mass, in the comfort of their bedrooms when checking their scores.
Must be nice.
Many of these children didn’t get the bicep cardio that came with rewinding video-tapes and it shows.
These days they have Netflix and Hulu to keep them company. I’m not salty, you are.
They probably don’t know what Starcomms is.
Can you imagine a world where you don’t have to wait till 6pm Saturdays and Sundays to give your friends all the gist you’ll repeat on Monday morning anyway?
You don’t have to think too far, these bratty teens with their Whatsapp and their Google Docs give each other head-prefects gist in real time, what is this life?
They don’t know why this was absolutely necessary:
While the game of yesteryear needed a little spittle to get things going, these lucky children don’t even need cartridges, CDs and now even game consoles to get their game fixes. If there’s any justice in the world, us older adults have been severally denied it.
Ask them what this is, and they’ll probably say an illuminated lime or something just as rude.
A whole Patron Saint of the young Nigerian pirate. Our most reliable fix to the elusive world of Anime and HBO that year. These days, these children have dime a dozen torrent sites and Hulu to keep them satisfied. But the true veterans know the stress we went through to know how Naruto went on his quest to be Hokage.
They have Ubers and Taxify. They have options.
These spoilt children will never experience the terror of Nigerian parents dropping them far off from home and having them maneuver their way with public transportation.
Try that and they can just order an Uber or Taxify to take them home safely. Plus, if your parents never did this, please consider yourself lucky, and if they did, I can send my online therapist’s number. 20% discount for the first 3 months.