Zikoko’s Guide to Becoming a Typical Nigerian Politician

January 11, 2023

So you’ve decided you’re tired of being a regular citizen and want to go into politics. Read this guide, go forth and prosper.

Start by being an activist

Insult politicians 24/7, on every platform you can think of. Make it known that you’d rather chew sand than become one of them.  

But have exactly zero plans for the country

What’s your business with the issues the country is facing? You have your own personal issues, so that’s none of your business.

Once you’re popular, secure an appointment with the same people you’ve been shading

You can always tell the people you’re trying to change things from the inside this time around. Even though you know the only thing that’ll change is the size of your pocket.

Prepare your three-letter acronym

What will people call you? You want something that’s sweet to pronounce and can easily be remembered. So what’s it going to be? GTB? CNN? Just make sure you arrange the letters well, so you don’t end up with ODE.

Be good with words (or lies)

It’s not good enough to just tell lies, you need to believe your own lies too. So if anyone wakes you at 2 a.m. to ask a question, you’d give the same devious answer you gave on TV during the day.

Find a godfather

You think you can do this thing without a sponsor? Find a godfather and become his apprentice.

Run for office

Start with the senate so you can collect enough money to last you forever, in case you don’t win another election.

Remember to make promises you can’t keep

If you have transferable skills from your days as a Yoruba demon or Lagos babe, use them here. 

Hire a music band

People will insult you anyway, so why not hire a band to sing your praises everywhere you go?

Steal

What’s the point of your entire political career if you don’t do this?


NEXT READ: Nigerians Should Stop Doing These Weird Things for Politicians


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