You Have Five Stars, How Would You Rate Nigeria?


March 13, 2019

If I’m being honest, they haven’t invented the metric system to quantify how very little I rate Nigeria. Just FYI, I’m female, so you can understand.

This got me wondering how different groups living in Nigeria would rate the country. So I decided to make a little game out of it.

Straight from my POV, here’s how I imagine a Nigerian man, woman, child, pastor and politician would rate Nigeria using 5 stars at their disposal:

Nigerian Man – 2.5 stars

I’d say 2 and a half stars.

First, I am constantly moving around with a metaphorical target on my back.

Nigerian policemen see me and immediately want to know if I have something for the boys. Personally, I could do with a something- supplier myself.

Then there’s that pressure to be the head of the home, whatever that means. But on the plus side, the Nigerian society allows me a wife who tends to my every need and bidding. She’s also conditioned by the Nigerian society to forgive my every indiscretion, so that’s pretty sweet.

Actually, so sweet, I’m bumping that rating to 3 stars; just fix up with the shakedowns and I’m good really.

Nigerian woman,- 0 stars

I’d give Nigeria 0 stars. If there’s a negative ranking, I’d pick that instead.

Hear me out, first of all, according to Nigeria, I have an expiry date, the day I turn 30 to be precise. And God forbid I’m not married and sprouting children at that point, it’s all over for me.

But, if you enjoy being cat-called and dragged everytime you take a trip to the clothes market, then by all means, Nigeria is for you.

Same if you’d love your growing years to be one long tirade on how you should act in your husband’s house.

Personally, it’s a no for me, I would not recommend. Escape while you can.

Politician- 5 stars

Look, Nigeria is a wonderful country to live in. Ask my daughter who is completing her university education in the UK and she’ll tell you. Same thing with my wife who is currently on a Euro-tour because she got a little bored at home. And even yours truly. Soon as I’m done getting my bi-weekly temperature checked and teeth-cleaned in my favourite Swiss hospital, I’ll be back in Nigeria to live my best life.

Pastor – 5 stars

I don’t know what the fuss is about, Nigeria makes for a great business, sorry I meant country. I’d give it 5 stars. 10/10 would strongly recommend.

Churches pay no tax, I get to fly private without too many questions asked, least of all from my largely middle-class congregation and people don’t look too closely at the actors you bring on stage. What’s not to love? Unless you have a better market for me, then let me hear it, plis and thanks.

Child – 2 stars

Even though my vocabulary is stunted and I have only the most rudimentary understanding of numbers, I’d say 2 stars. And that’s only because Nigerian aunties are pretty doting when you’re still cute. But my mates get beaten up by teachers if parents fail to pay fees, and a lot of my mates still get classes under trees with slates as writing materials.

Terrible!

How many stars would you give Nigeria?

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