The game of politics has changed. Good luck winning anything if you want to start a political party in Nigeria and you’re not doing these things.

Get a dead name, then a catchy slogan

Your name needs to show that you’re not really here to do anything new. You’re just here for the national cake. Because what kind of name is People’s Alliance for National Redemption? Your name needs to spark zero joy and curiosity when they see it. But you want to be popular so you need to find a catchy slogan. Something that means nothing but gets the people going. Try “awa lo kan” and watch the party blow up.

Find the worst graphic designer available 

Your logo needs to look like the wickedness you’re going to show Nigerians when your party comes to power. That’s why you need to find the worst graphic designer around and make them create their shittiest work for you. Works wonders every time.

Then make sure you hire a badass photographer because your pictures must slap

As I said, the game has changed. Your campaign has left the TV screens and is now happening on social media. Your photographer needs to get all your angles right as you walk to your plane like the Abuja big boy that you are.

Make Aso Ebi with the logo

You need a subtle way of reminding people that you’re now in business. So the next thing to do is to make some clothes with your party logo on it. Give them out to a party loyalists and people in need of new clothes, so they serve as free public relations (PR) for your party.

You need members. So gather a bunch of old men 

You want to make sure you’re ignoring all these women when you’re accepting members. Who wants women to be leaders when you can pick a bunch of old men with questionable morals and zero shame?

Have plenty of money and be shameless yourself

After you’ve formed your party, you only need two things: money and shamelessness. Once you have these, the sky is your limit.

Throw shades at the current government

It doesn’t matter that the men you’ve gathered in your party are mostly from the government you’re throwing shades at. You know everyone will just unlook the hypocrisy and focus on the people you’re pointing fingers at.

Win something and become exactly like them

You need to win something big. You don’t want to win an LGA chairman election or State House of Assembly. Nobody remembers those ones. Nigerians like monarchy vibes so you really only have three options: presidency, governorship, and the senate. Once you get to power, turn around and become like the exact kind of people you once pointed fingers at. Congratulations, your work is done.

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