A Series Of Unfortunate Nigerian Events: June Edition


June 26, 2019

Like the streets of Lagos after the slightest tinkle of rain, the month of June in Nigeria has been one drawn-out series of unfortunate events after the other.

From a governor bearing arms, to helicopters landing on federal roads; we weren’t quite sure where parody ended and real life began. We bet you, if every single date in the month of June was Googled alongside Nigerian news, you were bound to see something to spur you reaching for your rosary, while simultaneously grabbing your visa bookies number from your phone book.

Here’s our attempt to make sense of the most hard-hitting, hard to believe unfortunate events that trailed Nigeria in June 2019.

JAMB Sliding Down The Score Bean Stalk.

Hammering the last bedazzled nail, round the coffin that is Nigeria’s Education sector, the Joint Admission Matriculation Board on June 11th, raised the cut-off mark from 140, to a bound feet-shuffling 160.

What this means is, rather than look into the cause of secondary school students wasting their adolescence on multiple JAMB examinations, the board took the easy way out, lowering the cut-off marks so multiple, unqualified students could learn the valuable life lesson to aim low, because the bar will one day, eventually lower to meet you.

Rochas ‘King Coon’ Okorocha.

Who needs inter-tribal hate, when you can get it hassle-free from your kinsman?

Serial statue erector and Nigerian senator – Rochas Okorocha, on June 13th, chose to air his views on the 2023 presidency, by being quite exclusionary to the Igbo people.

Rather than focus on qualifications, competence, vision, workable ideas, you know ⁠— the typical kind of thing to look out for in a President, he discounted Igbo chances of a victory in the 2023 elections, saying “an Igbo Presidency does not exist”.

Admittedly, he doubled down on this statement, saying : We may be talking about Nigeria’s president of Igbo extraction but that depends on what other geo-political zones think about the issue.

This means, good luck running for president if you tick all the boxes as an aspirational Igbo candidate, but the seven equally tepid performing geo-political zones, decide you’re not of a worthy tribe.

I’ve Got A Chopper On The Express.

Proving that there is no situation too hard for Nigerian pockets to soften, an unnamed VIP somehow got air traffic permission and bested law enforcement, road safety and just general human decency, by having a helicopter land to airlift him from hours of traffic on the Lagos-Benin expressway.

In saner climes, there would be heavy sanctions for this, but here? Endless retweets and aspire to perspire anecdotes. Lovely.

Rage Against The Visa Machine.

A Nigerian man, Hulk green with rage destroyed five Nigerian embassy cars in England on June 17th, 2019. His grouse was in not receiving his passport on time, while the embassy argued that he failed to produce a collection slip for the purpose.

Real classy.

Ibikunle ‘John Wick’ Amosun.

It appears former Governor Ibikunle Amosun got wind of an early end time battle the rest of the world wasn’t privy to, because we don’t uderstand why he was stockpiling an obscene amount of arms and ammunition during his time in office.

On June 24th, word got out that the former Ogun State governor surrendered at least four million rounds of ammunition, 1,000 units of AK47 assault rifles, 1,000 units of bulletproof vests and an armoured personnel carrier (APC) to the State Commissioner of Police, a few hours to the end of his tenure in office.

He explained that the arms were procured to “check the widespread insecurity in his state”  and were kept in the Government House Armoury to “ensure they were not allocated indiscriminately by security agencies.

Well…

Nigeria’s Plan To Fight Kidnapping … One Video Shoot At A Time.

Here lies the drone deliberately budgeted for and purchased by the Nigerian army for… checks notes, countering kidnapping in Ekiti State.

This glorified, levitiating selfie stick, launched ON ——-, was also purchased for Ondo State, as measures to alleviate the banditry and increased cases of kidnapping scourging the area.

This drone is for video shoots, the only thing this device should be covering is video vixens and rappers reproducing that bird man rub from 2005. Fix it Lord.

What was your favourite June disaster?

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