A Series Of Unfortunate Nigerian Events: June Edition

June 26, 2019

Like the streets of Lagos after the slightest tinkle of rain, the month of June in Nigeria has been one drawn-out series of unfortunate events after the other.

From a governor bearing arms, to helicopters landing on federal roads; we weren’t quite sure where parody ended and real life began. We bet you, if every single date in the month of June was Googled alongside Nigerian news, you were bound to see something to spur you reaching for your rosary, while simultaneously grabbing your visa bookies number from your phone book.

Here’s our attempt to make sense of the most hard-hitting, hard to believe unfortunate events that trailed Nigeria in June 2019.

JAMB Sliding Down The Score Bean Stalk.

Hammering the last bedazzled nail, round the coffin that is Nigeria’s Education sector, the Joint Admission Matriculation Board on June 11th, raised the cut-off mark from 140, to a bound feet-shuffling 160.

What this means is, rather than look into the cause of secondary school students wasting their adolescence on multiple JAMB examinations, the board took the easy way out, lowering the cut-off marks so multiple, unqualified students could learn the valuable life lesson to aim low, because the bar will one day, eventually lower to meet you.

Rochas ‘King Coon’ Okorocha.

Who needs inter-tribal hate, when you can get it hassle-free from your kinsman?

Serial statue erector and Nigerian senator – Rochas Okorocha, on June 13th, chose to air his views on the 2023 presidency, by being quite exclusionary to the Igbo people.

Rather than focus on qualifications, competence, vision, workable ideas, you know ⁠— the typical kind of thing to look out for in a President, he discounted Igbo chances of a victory in the 2023 elections, saying “an Igbo Presidency does not exist”.

Admittedly, he doubled down on this statement, saying : We may be talking about Nigeria’s president of Igbo extraction but that depends on what other geo-political zones think about the issue.

This means, good luck running for president if you tick all the boxes as an aspirational Igbo candidate, but the seven equally tepid performing geo-political zones, decide you’re not of a worthy tribe.

I’ve Got A Chopper On The Express.

Proving that there is no situation too hard for Nigerian pockets to soften, an unnamed VIP somehow got air traffic permission and bested law enforcement, road safety and just general human decency, by having a helicopter land to airlift him from hours of traffic on the Lagos-Benin expressway.

In saner climes, there would be heavy sanctions for this, but here? Endless retweets and aspire to perspire anecdotes. Lovely.

Rage Against The Visa Machine.

A Nigerian man, Hulk green with rage destroyed five Nigerian embassy cars in England on June 17th, 2019. His grouse was in not receiving his passport on time, while the embassy argued that he failed to produce a collection slip for the purpose.

Real classy.

Ibikunle ‘John Wick’ Amosun.

It appears former Governor Ibikunle Amosun got wind of an early end time battle the rest of the world wasn’t privy to, because we don’t uderstand why he was stockpiling an obscene amount of arms and ammunition during his time in office.

On June 24th, word got out that the former Ogun State governor surrendered at least four million rounds of ammunition, 1,000 units of AK47 assault rifles, 1,000 units of bulletproof vests and an armoured personnel carrier (APC) to the State Commissioner of Police, a few hours to the end of his tenure in office.

He explained that the arms were procured to “check the widespread insecurity in his state”  and were kept in the Government House Armoury to “ensure they were not allocated indiscriminately by security agencies.

Well…

Nigeria’s Plan To Fight Kidnapping … One Video Shoot At A Time.

Here lies the drone deliberately budgeted for and purchased by the Nigerian army for… checks notes, countering kidnapping in Ekiti State.

This glorified, levitiating selfie stick, launched ON ——-, was also purchased for Ondo State, as measures to alleviate the banditry and increased cases of kidnapping scourging the area.

This drone is for video shoots, the only thing this device should be covering is video vixens and rappers reproducing that bird man rub from 2005. Fix it Lord.

What was your favourite June disaster?

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

September 15, 2020

1. So, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has a new regulation. The SEC, in a statement on its website yesterday, stated that it will regulate crypto-token or crypto-coin investments when these investments qualify as ‘securities transactions’. 2. Chile, what does this mean? A ‘Securities transactions’ occurs whenever there has been a sale or purchase […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

May 21, 2022

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.

Recommended Quizzes

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

More from Citizen

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X