I Made A Couple Of New Year’s Resolutions With My Kitchen

January 11, 2019

Like the average Nigerian man, I recognize that cooking is a lot of work and I absolutely refuse to do it. Unluckily for me, I’m a woman, so I don’t get to marry some unsuspecting woman who has to cook for me for the rest of our lives in the name of marriage.

Asides hating how to cook, I’m also broke. Which means spending the little I earn on eating out is going to have me living on the streets unable to pay my rent if I continue. In the spirit of new year new me, I decided to make a couple of resolutions with my kitchen that will save me from moving back into my parents’ house in disgrace before the end of the year.

atheist god forbid

Anything I jam in my freezer and fridge I must eat.

Whether it’s starting to smell funny o. Whether it’s been in my freezer for two months o. I must eat whatever I see before buying fresh food. And if it gives me diarrhoea for two days, well something must kill a man.

By fire, by force I must cook something every single day.

Ok let me not deceive myself, every other day. Even if it’s just to boil egg or water I must sha use my cooker.

Even when there is no rice at home, there is rice at home.

I made this into a poster and used it as my screensaver. So that whenever I pick up my phone to order food, I’ll remember that I don’t have money for TFC.

To make a big pot of stew once in at least two weeks.

See you really can’t go hungry with stew in your freezer. Even though it means I’ll be eating either white rice or spaghetti for two weeks straight when I could be eating fire Amala from Olaiya, at least I’m sha eating. Rice no dey kill person.

Cook like I’m Jesus trying to feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

Which means spending less on foodstuff and making it last longer. How to make this possible without eating 0-0-1 I sha haven’t figured out yet.

I’m going to keep it simple and not form Master Chef.

For someone who doesn’t like to cook, I don’t know why it’s on the rare occasion I cook that I decide to prove I’m Gordon Ramsay. Halfway through chopping carrots up for ‘Jambalaya rice’ I just give up. So I’ll be sticking to my rice and stew and Jollof rice.

Take my sweet time meal prepping.

Meal prepping might be the worst part of cooking so on days I want to cook I’ll just not do anything else. I’ll wake up in the morning chop onions, sleep wake up and blend the tomatoes.

You people should help me pray that I keep the same energy till at least April. What other resolutions have you guys been making?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

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