6 Very Annoying Things That Happen Every Time You Have To Enter A Bank

1. The insanely long queues

If you ever need to go into a banking hall to do whatever, be sure to cancel all your plans for the rest of that day because for some reason, it's impossible to go into a banking hall and not meet at least 5000 men (excluding women and children). With the crowd, you'd think Jesus was about to show up to start sharing bread and fish.

2. The nausea-inducing combination of heat and body odour.

Banks like to do this thing where they turn most of the air conditioners off when the banking hall is chock full of people, forcing everyone present to inhale the combined stench of all the people there who decided to not shower that morning before leaving their homes. Because I'm paranoid, I believe they do this to mess with us. I imagine a stereotypical mustache-twirling villain sitting in a dark room with the air conditioner controls being like:

One day I'll prove it.

3. Those people that do this:

You lend someone your pen so they can fill their teller or whatever and the next thing you know, they're gone. Vanished. With your pen! Pens are like N20! If you have a bank account then you definitely have more than N20 so WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU FUCKING KLEPTOMANIAC?! DO YOU WANT ME TO SWEAR FOR YOU?!!!

4. All those people that come up to you on the queue and are like:

So I get that people like to keep spaces in the queue as soon as they come in. It saves time. But if you're one of those people that keeps a space on the queue and then goes to sit down until it gets to your turn, you're mad. If you've had no one to tell you before, I'm here now. If you're not sick, disabled or pregnant, don't do this. You're not the only one that's tired. Nonsense.

5. The occasional terrible customer service.

After spending what seems like the better part of your youth standing in line, you'll then get to the cashier/customer care person and get a fuck ton of attitude thrown in your face. It's either the person is doing things in slow motion (like Nick, the DMV sloth in Zootopia) or they're answering your questions as if you're disturbing them. Right then you just feel like shouting:

"Listen, Miss. Chioma. I'm not here to toast you. Stop doing face like monkey wey lick lime and fix my dispense error problem abeg!"

6. Those stupid automatic doors.

Let me tell you a short story. A couple of months ago, I'd just started working out. This friend of mine told me that she could already see results and I'd lost a ton of weight so naturally, I started feeling myself. I sent out a broadcast message to everybody on my Whatsapp contact list that was basically just a collection of my shirtless selfies (because why the hell not?) and started wearing fitted t-shirts (LOL!) You know what took this new found confidence from me?

Automated bank doors.

I got to my bank and on my way in, the stupid voice that comes from the stupid doors started screaming, "ONLY ONE PASSENGER AT A TIME!!!" All the people around stared at me in pity like I was the Michelin tyre man as those damn doors turned me back 4 times, all the while still screaming "ONLY ONE PASSENGER AT A TIME!!!". A security guard had to go in and open it for me manually.

Banks need to deal with these body shaming doors. Allow people to be plus-sized in peace. Na fat I fat. I no kill person. 😒

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